…Enough said.
***
Hospital has been taxing, in every aspect.
My muscles are screaming out in agony; they want to be stretched and used like they're meant to.
My mind is being torn in two directions constantly; plagued by a voice that isn't my own, and plagued with a voice that is my own.
My emotions are all over the place; crying has become second nature.
I am in here for at least another two weeks, from what the doctors have said.
I am sick of being in here for many reasons.
No coffee!?
It is too hard to explain everything that's been going on. I gained a lot of weight in 3 days, which spun me out of control for a while. Not outwardly, but it was an internal battle in my mind. I have my Dad here this whole week supporting me and spending time with me, which has made the whole ordeal a little easier to bear with. Being so far away from home has had an immense effect on me, and having Dad here is like a home away from home; he offers comfort, and he offers reason. He talks me out of me emotional hell-holes and brings me back into my logical, rational mind, where I belong.
I don't want to have to be in here anymore.
I can do this at home, and I will to this at home.
There's no 'trying' or 'attempting'. There's no 'wanting' and 'wishing'.
There is only doing.
I will do this.
Once and for all.
love, love, love.
20 comments:
Hi Eleanor,
I'm so glad that your dad is with you this week and that it makes you feel more at home, even though it isn't home. I remember being in treatment and feeling like, 'I want to do this at home my way, with my food, with my loved ones.' I hated how I couldn't exercise when I knew that exercise was what my body wanted in order to feel alive. As I look back now, I feel like what I toughed through in treatment not only prepared me for living on my own but also made me really appreciate my home and my many food options.
Keep doing what your doing for the next two weeks, and then reflect upon what was valuable and what you want to change as you adapt to life back at home. You are strong!
-Emily
My friend,
you are incredible. You are so amazingly strong and fight like a terrier (trust me-that is a compliment)
To gain weight is scary, it brings forward a lot of conflicting voices. You stand there, feeling like you should be happy, but inside of you you are one big mess. " Is this really good? If so, why is it paining me as much as it does? "
Gaining weight is one of the most important arenaes where your healthy side and your disorded side clash and battle each other.
Strengthen the living forces in you, Eleanor. TRust the voice that says YES, it is right to gain weight. Yes, it is scary, but that does not make it any less right.
You are doing amazing, you are being YOU in this process, not pretending to be anything or anyone else. It makes me glad to read that your father is with you, and that you find support and life in him. "Use" him to strengthen your desire to live, hold on to the hands he reaches out.
You are my star. Every night I whisper some words out in the Norwegian night for you, sending love and support your way.
<3
Your dad is a sweetie. At least you have some support. I know it must be so hard, I've been there, and it makes you appreciate your freedom and independence so much afterwards. Gaining weight is so important in recovery...I know people say 'it isn't about the weight' but in the early stages it really is. You need the weight restoration to restore your other functions, including thinking, and to help get your mind ready to work on the mental side.
Keep up the good work, and never lose hope - you can get alot from this experience.
Hugs
Sarah x
Eleanor - you truly are amazing - you are like a little soldier in battle fighting and WINNING!!!! I know right now is so difficult - im happy that you have your dad to support you and be with you
Keep trusting yourself and believing in ELeanor - i know you can do this - you are winning each and every day. Keep strong lovie - you truly are an inspiration to us all.
xoxo aimee
That sounds so so SO much like me.
( I have been in hospital since APRIL.)
I miss my coffee with actual coffein in it. I miss my apartment. My friends. I miss being at home.
But I will have to stay for another 3 weeks. And I will try my very best.
Take this ED.
They won't let you have coffee? That would be torture for me too! I know you think that you would be able to recover more if you were at home, but I hope you take as much advantage of the push you're getting now. Sometimes I feel like since I'm doing it by myself, I'm not able to stay as focused and motivated. If I were in a hospital setting, there wouldn't be a choice one way or another, I would just be getting healthier. You have to ask yourself though if you really think this time would be different if you went home. If you have really tried your hardest to recover on your own, then there is no shame in taking the help that you're offered.
<3 Tori
Eleanor!
I am so happy that you have the love and support of your daddy by your side this week - that must be lovely :) I am also so proud of you, for everything. Fighting this fight is not easy, and allowing others to help you is even harder. I have so much confidence that you will be able to do this on your own, with your beloved coffee :)
Thinking of you, always!
Tat
I'm glad you have your Dad supporting you and encouraging you every step of the way. I can only sympathise with what you're going through right now. When I was in i/p, I didn't struggle as much because I knew that the control was totally out of my hands. But in terms of the weight gain, I'd get nightmares and wake up close to tears. You are being so strong and so resilient Eleanor. And I am so proud that you have stuck to your decision to get well.
Just a little word of advice:
When you leave hospital, that's when the real challenges begin so take this time to further strengthen your mind so that you will be able to fight even harder once you're out.
Love you so much hun! You will do this!!
xoxo
WHat?!?! No coffee?!?!! Sorry hun! But think about how much better it will taste when you come home now!
Gaining weight is scary, no doubt about that. But you are making the right choice by doing it and kicking ED where it counts!
So glad that your dad is with you this week. I hate being away from too. I am such a home body and get home sick soo easily! But hang in there! You are such a strong person and I have faith that you can get through this!
xoxo
The first few weeks in treatment are always the worst; I remember feeling awfully homesick. You're just lucky you have your parents and contact with the world!
Weight gain can be frustrating, painful, and distressing. But when you stabilize your body, it's easier to focus on the work you need to do mentally. Getting back to a healthy weight is just one of the milestones you achieve in treatment.
I remember the feeling of wanting to do it at home as well but it takes a LOT of effort and time from many people to help you overcome an eating disorder. It took 6 therapists, 2 nutritionists, 2 psychiatrists, 5 doctors, and the staff at the treatment facilities and the hospital I stayed at for my recovery. You simply can't do this alone; give yourself permission to ask for help. I know it's hard giving up control, but once you do it, it will be such a relief. You alone can't tackle this on your own. Be compassionate; don't let the ED tell you that you're not deserving because you are.
I send my love! xoxo
http://bisousmonamourrevised.blogspot.com/
You are so blessed to have such a great dad and such determination. I love how you end the post with "doing."
"Action is the foundational key to all success." - Pablo Picasso
I feel your pain!
no coffee is brutal, but the hospital im at has a starbucks in it, so when we take our walk breaks, we go get our caffeine fix. I must say i probably go twice a day, but hey give a girl a break.
It sounds like you are very motivating, and reading that helps me keep it up too, so thank you.
We can get through this, and everyone suffering, we can<3
I feel your pain!
no coffee is brutal, but the hospital im at has a starbucks in it, so when we take our walk breaks, we go get our caffeine fix. I must say i probably go twice a day, but hey give a girl a break.
It sounds like you are very motivating, and reading that helps me keep it up too, so thank you.
We can get through this, and everyone suffering, we can<3
I feel your pain!
no coffee is brutal, but the hospital im at has a starbucks in it, so when we take our walk breaks, we go get our caffeine fix. I must say i probably go twice a day, but hey give a girl a break.
It sounds like you are very motivating, and reading that helps me keep it up too, so thank you.
We can get through this, and everyone suffering, we can<3
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