I'm going home tomorrow morning.
That sentence has so many emotions attached to it, of varying degrees. I'm full of excitement, anticipation, hope and happiness. But I'm also full of fear, anxiety, nervousness and complete horror. There's no way I could be in hospital for much longer before going insane, but the prospect of gaining more weight is… Well, weighing my emotions down. I know that it's necessary, but what's waiting for me at home is a family that is just as scared as me about having to deal with the Eating Disorder. It's still strong. Nowhere near as strong as it used to be, granted. But it's still strong, and it will still try to make my life a living Hell. It will try to work against me, it will try to work against my family, my dietician, my therapist. It will try to work against everything I've worked for, and it will try to work against everyone that's working with me.
I'm scared.
I've wanted to go home ever since I got in here, but I never really thought about what it's going to be like at home. I knew that I just wanted to be away from the hospital environment. Were my intentions pure, positive and healthy? Or were there underlying reasons that my eating disordered thoughts tried to sneak in? I can't know that, and maybe I never will, but I now know what is waiting for me at home.
What's waiting for me at home is a family that will do everything they can to get me to a better place in my life.
What's waiting for me at home is a treatment team that will, also, help me to reach a better platform.
What's waiting for me at home is the chance to better my life, myself, for me and for my future.
That's nothing to be afraid of. But I am afraid of hurting my parents. Or rather, I'm afraid that my eating disorder will hurt my parents. I'm afraid of giving up control of food, I'm afraid of food in general. That alone is proof I'm not at a healthy enough place to look after myself.
I just have to accept that.
I have to accept that things will be hard.
I have to accept the help I'm being given.
I have to accept that things will get easier.
I have to accept that it's hard because it.is.worth.it.
I'm going home. And I'm going to make it.
love, love, love.
22 comments:
Best of luck for tomorrow hun (or will that be today by now?). Don't forget that you've achieved alot over the past few weeks, which shows you do have strength, and you do have it in you to beat this. Sure it's not going to be easy, but you have the ability to continue your recovery.
Make use of all the support, be honest when you struggle, and most of all, never give up.
Hugs
Sarah x
Don't be scared Eleanor, just do it.
xo
This will be hard, I won't lie to you, but take every single hour at a time. Take it minute by minute if you have to. Just to get by. You can so this and it will be scary as hell, but I think you have the detemination to beat this. Geez, it is so hard to have to put weight on when you are already scared of what you weigh now. Trust me I know only too well. But you also know that you will think better. You will feel better and you will embark on a life that will be awesome. That is what is waiting for you at home. And also, we are here to help, or to listen to you vent if you need that. You will make it hun. I know you will!
*hugs*
Sarah
So so so proud of you and happy that you are coming home - especially to a loving family a supportive treatment team and of course your new puppy!!!! We are all here for you and i know that you will succeed!!!! Keep fighting because recovery is worth it!!!!! I believe in you and admire your honesty and inner strength to keep going each and every day!!!
xoxo aimee
Best wishes, my dear. I know it's a scary prospect (I've "been there, done that" so-to-speak), but you CAN do this. And you WILL get through all of ED's lies. Trust your parents and your treatment team; they love you and want you to be happy and healthy. ED, on the other hand, only wants to harm you. You're absolutely right: things will get easier in time, and the struggle to get there is more than worth it. xoxo
ED may be "still strong", but it's nowhere near as strong as you, Eleanor! Don't let anything make you think you can't kick its ass! And I don't think you should get suspicious of your desire to leave the hospital - if you were an inpatient for any other (non-ED) disease, you'd still want to get home and be with your friends and family in the comfort of your own house! Maybe you shouldn't worry so much about what it's going to be like at home? Sometimes looking ahead can drive you crazy - you imagine that ED is going to do X or you're going to feel Y, and then when you get around to it, it's easier than you expected. Anyway, just take it one day or meal at a time, and I'm sure you can do it.
Dont be afraid, we are alll here for you. I know gaining weight it one of the hardest things i've ever done but I did it. IM SO much happier. Dont let your ED tell you that you will just be miserable because it's not true. Yeah, its hard to accept in the beginning but it gets better. You can learn to love your body at any size. Imagine all the pressure that would relive? Keep fighting, we are all here for you. This time is going to be different for you.I just know it!!
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com
Good luck, Eleanor! You are stronger than your ED - I know you can do it!!! :)
xxxXXXxxx
Congrats Eleanor :) I know it all seems scary, but try not to overthink it too much. If you're finding it difficult, think about the mental state you were in in hopsital. Think about how badly you wanted to go home, and how inspired you were to do this all on your own :)
I know you've got it in you :)
<3 Tat
Good Luck!! You can make it!! Keep on fighting because like what you say "It's all worth it"
It's definitely much easier for ED's voice to influence you when you're at home and making more decisions for yourself, but let that empower you to be stronger against him than you've ever been. Don't let ED think for a second that he can get you back. You have other plans for your future, and ED is not invited. You're strong, girl!
-Emily
My great Eleanor,
this is scary, nobody is to try tell you differently.
There is no way to tell what will happen, when your disorder will attack you, trying to seduce you again. But what we do know is that you are aware of the risks, you are prepared to fight. Your family are prepared to help you, to hold you tight when the disorder is trying to pull you down.
Find strength in what you have managed to fight through, feel confident and proud about this. With every fight you win you increase your strength and health, you start to truely believe that recovery is possible. And it is worth it. When you start to taste life you will want more, you will find it safer and much better than breathing eating disorder.
I have faith in you, Eleanor. I have always had, and I will always have. You are important to me, I will think of you, sending you all my support and love.
<3
Eleanor:
I'm so happy you're finally going home! You're already taking another step in the right direction.
I can totally understand you're anxieties, but I'm sure you know they're normal. You're doing so great! Just keep your head held up high and trust yourself. It's great having a family that will do anything to help you get better. I can't wait to hear all about your experience at home!
Stay strong!
Paola <3
Love, the simple fact that you're feeling anxious about going home shows that there is a strong desire in you to get better. Eleanor wants to get better, and Eleanor is an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman that will get better. You have so much more strength in you than you give yourself credit for, hun.
Yes, it may be more difficult to continue recovery at home by yourself, but you have an amazing team of people surrounding you to help you when you feel weak, and you have all of us cheering you on and walking the journey with you.
ED is strong, but SO. ARE. YOU, and your ED is not stronger than you when you've got your game face on. You can do this, hun. Recovery is hard, but it's possible, and it feels wonderful. I never thought I would be in the place I am now, happy with a higher weight than I've been in years. But it honestly feels amazing. The life, the energy, the passion... I wouldn't give it up for anything, and especially not to once again be barely able to live my life...
<3
Hi :) my latest post really relates to this. Recovery is scary. But life with Ed is hell. Food is medicine, and as long as you take your medicine, you will make it. I believe in you. Recovery is so worth it :)
Yes you ARE going to make it! I think the best thing you can do is be honest. You're right, ED's going to be strong, but you don't want to slip back into deception. If ED's going to be strong it's important that it doesn't go unnoticed so that you can get all the help you need. So proud of you! You're inspiring. <3
I'm SO incredibly proud of you Eleanor. You are such a strong young woman and you CAN do this. You are stronger than you realize. I'm so happy you're going home! You're going to learn so much about yourself on the road to recovery! Hope you have a wonderful first day back home! Embrace life cause you only get one! Love you girl!
xoxo
Megan
So proud of you! Being in the hospital for a month takes a lot of courage. I am glad that you are in a better place than you were going in. That is so good! And yes, at home, things will be different and hard, but you are such a strong person Eleanor. You have what it takes to combat ED and live the happy life that you deserve
xoxo
i think its healthy and smart of you to be scared. it shows that you have a sense of reality-- a sense of your strengths AND your weaknesses.
you know i'm here for you. you know i've got your back. and you KNOW that youre not alone.
i relate you to you so, SO much.. and often read the email you sent me. love love love you girl <3
I love this post. It's full of hope. It WILL be hard, but I am living proof that it gets so so so much easier the further along you get.
I'm going to follow your blog, I love it! Please come check out my blog at lifewithcurves.blogspot.com
I love this post. It's full of hope. It WILL be hard, but I am living proof that it gets so so so much easier the further along you get.
I'm going to follow your blog, I love it! Please come check out my blog at lifewithcurves.blogspot.com
you are a really brave girl!
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