With the coming of my new puppy, I have accumulated my own pre-pubescent new puppy fat on my tummy. My once [unhealthily] flat stomach has now got a layer of protection, and then some. Fat protects the organs. You know, those things in your body that KEEP YOU ALIVE? My organs were exposed to damage, and the weight gain has sent the new fat to the parts of my body that need it most.
(I'm sure you're all well aware of this fact; I am merely repeating it to myself so it is easier for me to believe. Repeating positive mantras allows me to believe these things with ease.)
I feel out of proportion, out of shape, untoned, and all the rest, don't get me wrong. But as a wise male friend once said to me: "Guys dig girls with some meat
on their bones!"
My body is soaking up all the nourishment it's getting and doing with it what it needs to in order for me to function properly and healthily. At the moment, there is no point in me worrying about how I look, where the weight is accumulating, etc., etc. At the moment, none of that matters, because I'm not at a healthy place.
It's taken a 3 week hospitalisation for me to realise this. It's taken 3 weeks of absolute HELL to realise that I have a life beyond an eating disorder.
I've gained a little over 4 kilos in 3 weeks, and have not had any physical activity. My body is aching, I am incredibly tired, I'm suffering from caffeine withdrawals, but I'm getting healthier.
(I'm sure you're all well aware of this fact; I am merely repeating it to myself so it is easier for me to believe. Repeating positive mantras allows me to believe these things with ease.)
I feel out of proportion, out of shape, untoned, and all the rest, don't get me wrong. But as a wise male friend once said to me: "Guys dig girls with some meat
on their bones!"
My body is soaking up all the nourishment it's getting and doing with it what it needs to in order for me to function properly and healthily. At the moment, there is no point in me worrying about how I look, where the weight is accumulating, etc., etc. At the moment, none of that matters, because I'm not at a healthy place.
It's taken a 3 week hospitalisation for me to realise this. It's taken 3 weeks of absolute HELL to realise that I have a life beyond an eating disorder.
I've gained a little over 4 kilos in 3 weeks, and have not had any physical activity. My body is aching, I am incredibly tired, I'm suffering from caffeine withdrawals, but I'm getting healthier.
My Dad said something to me yesterday that made a lot of sense to me."You're growing back into yourself again."
I'm becoming Eleanor again.
Yes, I may have some puppy fat, but I can now at least share that with my pudgy little pup (that I will be able to see in a week!).
I am being discharged from hospital next Thursday.
And, I am going to continue moving onwards and upwards, growing back into myself.
I am being discharged from hospital next Thursday.
And, I am going to continue moving onwards and upwards, growing back into myself.
love, love, love.
P.S. The photo of that puppy isn't of my pup, I stole it from the internet. BUT, he will look much like that!
Thank you all so much for the beautiful words. They mean the world to me. You all make me so proud; proud of you and proud of myself.
Thank you.
x
P.S. The photo of that puppy isn't of my pup, I stole it from the internet. BUT, he will look much like that!
Thank you all so much for the beautiful words. They mean the world to me. You all make me so proud; proud of you and proud of myself.
Thank you.
x
14 comments:
Eleanor!
Your post made me smile from ear to ear. I am so glad that you are feeling healthy and feeling like Eleanor. I'm sure you feel like your body is going through changes, but they are all good changes. ED is the only one who will tell you that they are bad changes, and we don't listen to him anymore.
You are a fighter, and you are going to have so much energy and strength for your new puppy! Just remember that you are beautiful, and it shines through the most when you are healthy. So proud of you!
-Emily
sooooo proud of you babygirl!
and don't worry, the weight WILL redistribute.
plus, my boyfriend says he LOVES my thighs/butt. The part of my body that I feel most self-conscious about. Go figure.
so glad you're getting out hun!
so so so proud of you! you make me smile sooo much! do you notice how much your attitude has changed since you started this blog? it's wonderful. (and yes, i promise it will redistribute.) love you so much!
lucie
Good for you! You are an absolute star, and long may the good work continue. Every kg is one step closer to being able to reach happiness and a better future. Over the last few weeks I have noticed a marked change in your outlook, and it has been lovely to see. You are blossoming Eleanor into a beautiful flower, and all this hard work in hospital is the start of something amazing for you.
Sarah x
Eleanor,
oh... ELEANOR! You are amazing, you really are. You call me an inspiration, but know that you are one yourself. You are beautiful, wonderful, great, brave.
To recover is to take control of our own mind, as well as grow into our skin again. To grow into a body with healthy organs - to acchieve a living body, not one close to death. It is great that you repeat these mantras to yourself, I do so too. No matter how obvious the truth is, our disorded parts are still talented at making us blind to them. To say it out loud or write it down help us once again open up our eyes, and feel peace in that we are doing the right thing.
You are on your way to be able to give yourself life, Eleanor. With the fat your body, as well as your mind get protection.
The weight helps you activate your passion for life and all the beauty that comes with it.
You are showing a unique determination and courage, my friend. You fill me with joy, you deserve this - you have the right to live and grow, no matter what the disorded voices try to convince you of.
My heart smiles and feels pride for you, beautiful Eleanor. My hands are yours to hold in good and bad times,
Hedda.
This is such a beautiful post, Eleanor! I know you feel like you've spent forever in the hospital, but really, three weeks is such a short amount of time to realize that you have a life beyond your ED. It took me about a year and a half to come to the same conclusion! You're making so much progress so quickly, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for it. Keep repeating those mantras to yourself and soon ED will be history. Much love! x
Elanor! I have to agree with Emily. *smiles*
& What a coincidence, I'll get two baby kittens (see blog) when I'm being discharged on the 22nd.
& The puppy needs a HEALTHY Mommy. In order to take care of him/her you HAVE TO get better.
(Thats the same thing I told myself for the kittens.)
-Kat
I am so proud of you!
Its unfortunate that the program/hospital has bee hell for you, but im glad you've realized how you can help yourself to recover.
I hope everything goes well at home, and you can enjoy life again.
Eleanor!
You have every reason to be proud of yourself. I am so impressed with how much progress you have made, and how far you have come. You are going to have such an amazing time with your new pup!
Can I also just say that I can tell how much healthier you are simply through your words? You are writing more eloquently and positivly... It's apparent to me, and I;m sure everyone else, that your brain is thanking you for all the nourishment in the last few weeks. You are, in fact, growing back into yourself. Your growing back into the Eleanor that has a passion for words, for life.. for love.
You are a shining star!!
<3 Tat
You are so incredibly beautiful, i love the puppy picture, i hope one day while walking my golden labby, i will see you (looking healthy and beautiful) walking yours
Congratulations! I'm glad you are in so much of a better place now, and have so much to look forward to with getting home, meeting your new friend, and feeling like yourself again! You should be so proud of yourself for pushing through all of this. Not many people could hold their nose and jump in the deep end because they knew it was the right thing to do, but you did, and you sound like you're starting to reap the rewards :)
This post is lovely
Oh, Eleanor! I am so, so proud of you! It's important that you gain some weight because it's vital for your basic functioning and overall well-being; but I'm even more thrilled about the realizations and acceptance that you've come to! The courage and belief in yourself is what will get you through this and help you continue in recovery. Best wishes for the rest of your time there! You've done marvelously well--keep your chin up and focus on all the GREAT things that await you!
Don't worry about the weight gain so much; soon enough it will proportion correctly. That was a big concern for me but trust me it does even out eventually :}.
I'm glad to hear you're motivated for recovery. Don't let yourself forget why you're doing this even when your weight begans to plateau.
I send you my love and strength! Take as much as you can from your hospital stay until you get discharged! Love love love.
<3 Cassidy
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