She can talk the talk, but can she walk the walk?

Her eyes scanned the menu board, looking for something safe. She knew what she wanted, and what she wanted wasn't enough. She knew that, too. She scanned and scanned, looking from menu board to food bar, then shook her head. Deep down, she knew that she could have opted for an extreme skimpy, poor excuse of a lunch: "I'll have the salad without the dressing, the cheese, and the croutons, please". But she didn't. She also could have gotten an extremely scary, unfamiliar and uncomfortable bowl of food. Yes, she didn't. Instead, her and her mother went off to another possible place to lunch. Equally as scary were those foods, but her eyes met with a food item that she could simply not resist. Carby? Yes. Fatty? Most definitely. Scary? Like you wouldn't believe. But her desire for this slice of fear-on-a-plate made her tummy grumble. And so, Eleanor nodded her head this time and that was that. Lunch was ordered, eaten and most of all, enjoyed.

***

I'm not saying that I don't regret ordering what I did, because a part of me does regret ordering that Zucchini Slice. Floury and pastry filled, oily, egg-y, fatty… Those were only some of the thoughts going through my head as my knife and fork entered the spongy slice. It's safe to say that it was the least safe option. I could've had a sandwich, minus the butter and cheese, or I could've had a wrap, without the mayo, but I didn't. I got exactly what I wanted, and yes, I was overcome with dread, but I ate it. It's in my tummy now, where it belongs.

It's been a long, long time since I've eaten out in my town. The last time I did that, it was a fruit salad, and I tried to tell everyone (as well as myself) that it was a suitable lunch, while everyone else was eating burgers and foot-long subs from Subway. Oh, how times have changed. Today, I went out to lunch with my Mum, after being told countless times by everyone that I need to – excuse the language – pull my finger out of my ass and just do it.

For as long as I can remember I have been floating along, not getting better, but not getting worse. I've just been treading water. But that got me thinking: I'm using all of my energy staying stagnant, in a miserable and unfulfilling place in my life, when I could be using that energy to better myself, my health and my life. Why would I choose to settle for less than what I truly deserve? Hence the advice to pull my finger out.

My therapist has given my many, many methods of coping, of dealing, of moving forward, but I haven't taken any of that advice. I nod my head, I agree, I say "I can do that" – but I never do. I'm a bullshit artist, to put it mildly. I can't fool anyone. I can't fool myself. I'm sick of being in a constant state of fear, and the only way to get rid of that overwhelming feeling is to actually face those fears and eradicate them. Granted, that is easier said than done, but it's not impossible. My therapist herself is proof that there's life beyond an eating disorder and the disordered 'fantasy world'.

I admit it. I'm going to be cocky and egotistical. I did a brave thing today.
and damnit am I proud.