It's been two weeks since I last posted.
Yes, I am still alive. But so much has happened in these last two weeks; some good, a lot bad.
Yes, I am still alive. But so much has happened in these last two weeks; some good, a lot bad.
My time away has taught me a lot. It's given me some more independence, but at the same time it's made me realise how strong my eating disorder still is.
I haven't, in fact, lost any weight. On the contrary, I've gained some. But that is where the problem lies.
I know I have talked about this before, and I didn't think so much of it back then. Now, however, I've been shown just how much of a problem it really is.
I have been binge eating. Every day.
Regardless of how well I eat during the day, I come home, eat dinner, then eat everything in sight. It's happened every single day for two whole weeks - I am out of control. No one I have told - my therapist and dietitian especially - think it's an issue. BUT IT IS. If it wasn't bothering me so much, I wouldn't be crying about it every night and every morning.
Regardless of how well I eat during the day, I come home, eat dinner, then eat everything in sight. It's happened every single day for two whole weeks - I am out of control. No one I have told - my therapist and dietitian especially - think it's an issue. BUT IT IS. If it wasn't bothering me so much, I wouldn't be crying about it every night and every morning.
I don't know what to do about it. I think being at home will ease some stress a little bit, but these problems were happening at home, too. I hate food, and I hate the amount I'm eating - I'm not even hungry when I'm doing it. I just do it to DO it, and that is not healthy.
I'm lost, girls. I'm lost in this spiral of extreme self-loathing and hatred right now. My body image issuess have hit an all-time high, and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and stop eating altogether. I know that's not an option, but the conflicting thoughts in my head are driving me insane. One side is telling me to EATEATEAT, and the other side is telling me to RESTRITRESTRICTRESTRICT. I don't know what to do.
I just want all of this to go away.
I don't need another eating disorder.
21 comments:
Eleanor,
I am so dreadfully sorry that you are struggling so much right now. It breaks my heart to read that you are so conflicted. I don't have any history with binge eating, so I can't really offer you experienced advice. I can however say that it sounds to me like your body is just at its breaking point; After such long restriction, its crying out for food so loudly that you feel like its completely out of your physical control.
I'm not saying that it isn't a problem - because it obviously is - but I am saying that perhaps this is a phase that you just need to go through until you are ready to fully let go of the control and start eating normally. I know gaining weight is scary, especially when you feel like you can't stop it, but you and I both know that your body needs a little extra.
I am thinking of you my dear, and if you ever need ANYTHING at all, you have my e-mail.
Love you always,
Tat
Babe, I am so so sorry that you are going through this binge eating episode. Do you think possibly your definition of a binge is not what your therapist/dietician would consider a binge? A lot of times our ED lies to us and maybe your body is screaming out that you need this food?
I hate this word- mindful but that has helped me a lot. When I want to just reach for food or run to the bathroom- I sit and think about it for a while- and sometimes I do fail and end up with symptoms... but some successes are better than none. Hang in there babe. i can understand not wanting another ED but ED is a fucking bitch and with it- EVERY GOD DAMN symptom of every diagnosis i think sneaks into our lives at one point in time.
You can do this.
Love,
-Lisa
towards the end of my ED, i binge ate, EVERYDAY. i don't know why, or what was happeneing, but i did. i never had the urge to get rid of it, but i always wanted to hate myself afterwards. i remember one day coming home and eating multiple sandwiches, a keylime pie, and a whole bag of pretzels. i know exactly where you are, and maybe, like me, it means you're towards the end of this shit.
my therapist told me i did it because, now that i was gaining weight and wasn't in starvation mode, my body was simply crying out for food. my metabolism was on fire. also, since you're starting to allow yourself more once-restricted foods, you're simply enjoying what you've made yourself avoid for so long. it's such a weird and tricky situation, but eventually, you learn a balance. it's seemingly unending, but i promise you that you're smart and strong enough to get through it. hell, if i did, ANYONE can. you're in my thoughts, girl. i love you and stay strong!
listen to your body, not your brain.
<3
darling girl,
don't fight this. sometimes the pull is too strong so we must step up our own strenght-- by asking for help. it doesnt make us look weak or vulnerable... it's worth it.
you know i'm always here to chat
Hi :)
*Hugs* I definitely agree with Lindsey; I think that if you can find a balance then that would be good. It's tough because like you said, you're facing conflictions of both ends of the spectrum. Try not to give in to the side that says restrict, no matter how tough it is; because you do need to eat :) But just try and find a balance. I was exactly where you are now and unfortunately it spiraled out of control so I'm sending prayers so that does not happen to you!
From what I've recently read of your blog (I'm a little new here), you're such a strong person who can and will definitely keep fighting ED and I believe that you can do it! Stay strong! You're in my thoughts <3
Like others have suggested, I don't think it's as big of an issue as you think. Your disorder made you deprive yourself for a long time, and I know from experience, that once you get to nurish your body again, it can be like waking up from a dream and wanting to experience everything you made yourself miss out on.
You're ENJOYING food again. It may feel like you're "out of control", but that's okay! You don't have to be as in control as you once were. I have faith that this is a phase in recovery and it will eventually even out.
I still have those days, where I feel like I"m binging, but really I think it's just our hunger cues are out of whack and we're not sure what we need to be full, or to be "normal" eaters again. Just keep eating, and keep providing your body with enough fuel. It will get your mind through this!
<3 Tori
I love you, Eleanor! I know you can do this. It's all about finding that Goldilocks balance.
When your body has been through a roller coaster of emotions and has had it's operations completely changed it's bound to get confused. Our bodies have to learn what is right, just as we do.
<3
xoxoxoxo
I agree, I think that because you have deprived your body for so long, it's crying for food. I think too that your definition of a binge may not be as accurate as you think because you're used to restricting and if you asked someone if you were bingeing they'd say no. I did exactly the same thing at the end of my eating disorder and it felt bad, really bad, but I can eat whatever I want to now and I don't feel bad. My ED is pretty much gone. I am so happy about that. I even had the restriction/eating thoghts as well as you and I was torn back and forward. One minute I was restricting and the next I was bingeing. I hope you can get through this and I am thinking of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor,
I know things are tough right now but don't let this beat you. Try your hardest to see it as yet another challenge that life is throwing your way. It seems scary now but you will NOT keep binging and you will NOT become overweight. I promise. This freaky binging is happening because of all the restricting you've done and your body is taking over and leaving your brain in the dust. Also remember that any weight you're gaining now is most likely weight that your body desperately wants and needs. Most importantly, BREATHE. Slow down, sit down, lay down, close your eyes.. and breathe. Your thoughts are probably racing and bursting with stress so do whatever you can to just let a moment of peace and clarity enter your mind. The binging WILL stop. I've gone through HORRIBLE binging episodes and as horrible as it seems at the time.. I've never became overweight. Not even close.
Breathe, Eleanor. <3
Eleanor. My dear, strong and beautiful Eleanor.
I want you to hold my hand, to hear me say that everything will be allright. To try to ease your pain, reduce your tension and anxiety. To take away your guilt and darkness.
Why?
Because I do feel secure that things will be brighter and work out for you. I know that is so hard to believe at the moment, when you feel like your relationship with food has gone from one extreme to another. But let us face it : neither of us have a normal relationship with food. What we do have though, is bodies STARVING for nutrition. They're not satisfied untill we've reached a happy and healthy weight. I eat snacks and meals, but I can still notice my body craving more and more.
Your body is weak and has a dream of once again become strong. The desire to eat can feel so intense that it is almost out of your control. That was how it was for me when I binged after around two years of severe restriction. I had to have food, and as I ate the desire to become healthy and living grew stronger and stronger. Yes, the guilt was there, but so was hope. A hope that it would benefit me and make me gain weight faster. As my weight increased the desire to binge was reduced untill it no longer existed. My body felt more relaxed, satisfied - it was not as scared as it used to be. My relationship with food on the other hand was not as positive, bingeing " healed" me physically, but not mentally. That lead to a new round of restriction and brought me close to death last winter.
This time around my weight gain happens slower, hopefully allowing me to heal my relationship with food on the way. But ( I realize now that I am writing a whole book here ), what I wanted to tell you was : don't fear eating what your mind tells you is "too much". It will make you gain weight, and your disorder tells you that is dangerous, frightening, negative. That it makes you a dirty and bad person. But, try to ask Eleanor. What does she think about gaining weight? About becoming stronger physically? Does she find that negative?
You are not alone, Eleanor. You have support here, and people around you who hold you close to their hearts. Once your body feels more secure and protected, you'll find it easier to heal your relationship with food. To figure out how to eat to make you feel your best, and live the life you deserve.
Love you - know that you can allways reach out to me.
<3
Dear Eleanor,
I'd love to say it's easy. Because it isn't. I've been through the same thing, and actually twice. On the first time ED hit me, my recovery was based on binges. And it wasn't easy to break free from them. Everything was so new and delicious to me, I started eating brownies, fried stuff and all kinds of sweet everyday for a year. Which lead me to an ED for the second time, while trying to loose the weight I had put on.
But please, I'm not telling you my story to say you're going to get overweight. Not at all!
All I want to say is that these binges are pretty normal when you're starting. After restricting so much, you're body is probably asking for more and more food! Just don't feel guilty.
I'm pretty sure that, after a while, you'll get used to eating what you want to. To not being afraid of eating certain foods.
And your body and mind will rest.
Just try not to restrict. Think that these binges might be "good" for you - in a way that you might be refueling. Don't even consider skipping meals as an option. Maybe eating more starchy and calorie-dense foods would help?
I'm praying for you, girl.
E-mail me anytime, I'd love to share my story and "experiences" with you.
Reach me at froyoloverblog@gmail.com
Wish you luck, love!
XOXO
Eleanor - i totally understand what you are going through and i know how hard this is for you but remember how far you have come and what great strides you have taken!!!! You are so much stronger than you think - do not feel guilty - you indeed are feeding your body exactly what it needs. I totally agree with all of the above comments that this is "part of recovery" as we try and get used to "normal eating"
You are NOT alone and we are all here for you lovely Eleanor!!!! I believe in you !!!!! Keep smiling and hang in there!!!! xoxo aimee
eleanor
i'm so sorry that you are going through this pain.
please please ask for help. if you're in pain, you deserve love and help to let you get through it.
please be nice to yoruself. sometimes the way to get through a time like that is jsut to stop judging it, stop judging yourself, and give yourself what you want. usually after that (for a while) the bingeing will stop. hang in there. if you need advice or just someone to talk to please please dont hesitate to contact me directly. i care about you, you lovely girl! HUGS.
Eleanor- it's been a long time since I last heard from you! I'm sad to see you've been struggling these past two weeks.
As some of the lovely girls have said, this is probably due to your body catching up with everything it was deprived of for all that time. Just make sure you don't restrict and that you're eating everything you're eating after dinner because you want to or you have to because it's part of a previously set meal plan. I too went through something similar towards the end of recovery- it's normal! I always ate things just for the sake of it, and it was a while before I learned to listen to hunger cues and whatnot.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts; hold on tight honey!
xoxo
Oh Eleanor, I want to give you the biggest hug right now. I sooo know how you're feeling. Right before seeking treatment for my ed I binged nearly every night too. If it's of any comfort, looking back now at what I considered a binge then, I can see that I wasn't actually binging. It just felt like it to me because I was used to such miniscule portions.
That being said, your feelings regarding what is going on are NOT wrong or faulty in any way! My therapist always tells me that I can't ever "feel wrong" and it's the truth...there's no such thing as having a wrong feeling. Don't beat yourself up for being so hard on yourself...just try and give yourself some slack in all areas of your life.
I am so proud of you love. You have come so far and you're such a beautiful person! There is a balance between eating nothing and over eating...you can find it love, I know you can! Look inside yourself and call on that incredible strength I know you have within you. You are so much more than your eating disorder...SO SO SO much more!
You have my e-mail if you need it hun, I'm always here : ).
(((hugs!)))
Sarah
we are in the same boat, girl . i haven't found anything to stop myself either -- except when you look outside yourself . if you don't want to binge eat, think of the most important thing outside of you, like maybe your mother, and do it for her . be strong for her, you know?
you can beat this eating disorder , don't give up ! :)
hey lovie,
I just want to hug you <3
I am so sorry things have been so hard and that you are in such pain over this issue.
I have no personal experience with binging, yet i know that it is Very common for girls who struggle with AN to start to develop binging, and i can totally understand why...it's the opposite extreme, yes...but your body's hunger signs are messed up and over the years of restricting your body is still starving.
There must be a balance-a balance of eating ENOUGH to sustain yourself, LIVE happily & enjoy life while giving yourself what you need and Deserve And want! you only deserve the very best in life, you don't deserve to cry over this and be in agony and despair.
i love you so much girly, and I KNOW You CAN get there.
YOU have the control! It's so much easier said than done, but perhaps really expressing to your therapist and dietitian and really emphasize how much of a problem this is now for you, then you can beat this with their support and understanding, and the sooner you kick this new ed the better, i don't want you to have to suffer each day anymore.
always here for you beautiful girl.
xx
eliza
I'd like to comment because my experience with anorexia involved binges and also I still struggle. a lot of what I want to say echoes the previous comments.
First of all ask yourself if what you are doing is REALLY bingeing.
It could also be what I experience a lot.
After dinner...I'm full but still HUNGRY....all I can think about is food. I usually focus one one thing, too. Like "protein, protein" or "carbs, carbs" and you know what? It is my body's way of demanding what it needs. So yeah, my belly is full but my body is hungry!
This usually happens when my meals aren't balanced enough during the day....um. Lets get real. They never are. I am trying to work on eating bigger, more often, suring the day so I can avoid this late night craziness.
Another reason I eat more at night is because that has always been my "safe" time to eat, after restricting all day. So at night I'm more relaxed.
~Missy
Beautiful Girl, Please understand that the bingeing is just your bodies response to food. I have been there. And it hurts.
I read this once on a caloriecount.com forum and it helped me a lot. I hope it has the same affect for you :)
Many, many anorexics get stressed about "bingeing". Their eating disorder generates a lot of anxiety about "what if I just keep going and become obese?"
Anorexia is on the restriction eating disorder spectrum (REDS) that includes: anorexia, restrict/binge, bulimia, orthorexia (extreme focus on healthy foods, percentages etc.) and anorexia athletica (over exercise).
Binge eating disorder is not related to REDS at all. Different genotypes, different onset and is not the opposite end of the REDS spectrum.
Your issue is and will always be: restriction, or what is called compensatory behaviors regarding food intake and weight gain.
You are eating because you are in danger of dying if you don't. The more you take in (without any restriction) the faster you recover. 2500 calories (bare minimum), 3500 calories (good) 4500 calories or more? (excellent). As long as you don't restrict, you are recovering.
Another thing that anorexics don't know is what normal eating looks like for women.
Between the ages of about 16-25, young women 'binge' naturally about once a week. That means they take in two to three times their maintenance amount in that day. This does not result in weight gain. The energy is used for skeletal, neurological and hormonal development.
After age 25, about 2/3 of all women binge once a month, in parallel with their menstrual cycles. Often the binge is fat, sugar or salt and carbohydrate heavy. This too does not result in weight gain as their is a corresponding dip in appetite afterwards. It's surmised that the binge has some benefit to serotonin modulation in the brain. We don't know.
You are aiming for a BMI of 21-25 to provide you with a complete and permanent recovery. Until you get there, you eat as much as you can.
Also, once you get there, your metabolism will take over and you will not just keep gaining and gaining. You have to trust your body has got a better handle on this at the moment than your eating-disordered skewed neurotransmitters in your brain that generate all those anxieties and compulsions to restrict.
Best of luck.
!! Love yourself!
Beautiful Girl, Please understand that the bingeing is just your bodies response to food. I have been there. And it hurts.
I read this once on a caloriecount.com forum and it helped me a lot. I hope it has the same affect for you :)
http://caloriecount.about.com/sometimes-cant-stop-ft175549
Love yourself, beautiful!!!
-Kaity
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
seriously keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing you the best. 2011 presents hope, hang in there love <3
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