Being stuck in this room is killing me.
I need out, I need out.
I need something to occupy my mind, or something to make me smile. Anything to make me smile.
What can I do to entertain myself?
To keep my mind from wandering too far into the future, into the depths of the unknown - that darkness that I fear entering, the darkness that is nearing.
The weight-gain, the reintroduction of food.
The thoughts of food. Eating. Consuming. Gaining.
They disgust me. Terrify my. Petrify me.
I need something to keep me grounded.
To keep me here and now, but to pass the time.
I'm lost, helpless.
Lonely. Alone.
There's no room for smiles, laughter, happiness.
Where is the light?
* * *
I have a compulsion to get out of bed, to stretch, at every opportunity available.
I've gained weight. Obviously. And that's playing on my mind. I'm trying to be rational but I can't. I can't at all.
What do I do? How do I combat this?
I'm really asking for help, in all areas - from you, I need your advice. I need your advice so desperately.
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Putting me back together.
About A Girl.
- Eleanor
- “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
9 comments:
I wish I could come to your side and make it so much better for you, but sadly I cannot. You are doing the right thing, no matter how 'wrong' it may feel in your mind.
You have a choice to break free from the grips of anorexia, to be able to live your life, to even see the end of the tunnel. But first, you have to nourish your brain and body.
I'm in a similar situation to you, and although I can say it to you, its hard to believe myself. Have you got some colouring pencils? For me, I distract myself by colouring, it may allow you to get out some of those dark thoughts.
I want you to know things will get better and you can get out of this.
Stay strong x
I can imagine how awful you must be feeling right now. Unfortunately I don't have advice, but I wanted to send my support and strength your way. xx
I know you are suffering, and I am so sorry :( You will make it through this though, don't doubt yourself. You're stronger than you could ever imagine <3
I don't know you, at all.
In fact, I'm countries away from you, and stumbled upon your blog this evening.
I want you to know that I have no idea what you're going through; in fact, I can't even comprehend..
But I want you to know that I've gone through a few of your posts, and my heart aches for you, goes out to you tremendously. I'm so sorry for this trial and challenge that you're going through.
There's a quote:
Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives."
I wish there was something I could do,
but Eleanor, I want you to know that you are in my prayers, and you have my support.
I'm praying for you, and asking for help, comfort, and support to be sent to you.
Whatever you believe in, I believe in a higher power, and I believe that when we call upon that higher power to aid us in times of struggle, it will not go in vain, your prayer will be answered, and heard. May you be blessed. Stay strong. This life is a climb.
I am praying for you. With all my heart. I just want this wonderful love that is available to you through everything in the universe to just flood your soul and give you the comfort and the peace to combat the terror, the hopelessness, the desolation.
There is so much SO MUCH love all around you Eleanor and IN YOU. Love Love Love is all you need.
You're amazing, Eleanor. Keep going. It feels awful but it is so right. You're right where you need to be...this will save your beautiful life. I am always here for you!
thinking of you and hoping you are doing better than when you wrote this :)
I know how you are feeling - I've felt that way myself. I promise it will get easier. It won't hurt as much. You won't hate yourself as intensely.
Once you get past this you will get a second chance. Here's what no one tells you - you have to rebuild yourself. Literally rebuild who you are because otherwise you'll continue wanting to destroy yourself - while that might sound scary and confronting, it's an opportunity for you to start again. But what it means is that you get another chance. But you have to give yourself that chance. No one will give it to you.
You will be okay soon. And then you'll be more than okay - you'll be wonderful.
I promise.
It's possible.
I know how you are feeling - I've felt that way myself. I promise it will get easier. It won't hurt as much. You won't hate yourself as intensely.
Once you get past this you will get a second chance. Here's what no one tells you - you have to rebuild yourself. Literally rebuild who you are because otherwise you'll continue wanting to destroy yourself - while that might sound scary and confronting, it's an opportunity for you to start again. But what it means is that you get another chance. But you have to give yourself that chance. No one will give it to you.
You will be okay soon. And then you'll be more than okay - you'll be wonderful.
I promise.
It's possible.
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