Three exams down, two to go.
And lucky little me, the two to go are both Maths exams. My least favourite, and possibly worst, subject in the history of the world.
This week has killed me, mentally and physically. I have been in a state of unbelievable stress and panic, so much so that I have been too wound up thinking about school to even consider the stress my body was, and is still, going through.
The thing that terrifies me the most, though, is that I haven't even realized how much I am struggling. I am struggling, and yesterday's Therapy session made me realize the extent of my struggling and the impact it's had.
My health has been left on the way-side. Trying to balance school and life at the same time has put so much pressure on me without me actually being aware of it, which needless to say has unconsciously given the Eating Disorder free-reign of food choices. I know, I know, that I can't be making excuses for myself. I know that I could have been more vigilant, more aware, admitted I was struggling - but at the same time I was too caught up thinking of school to pass a thought on my health.
My Therapist said something that really hit hard. I could potentially go back to hospital; not to the children's ward I was put in the first (and only) time, but to an adult unit, where I would be for at least a month. Honestly, I didn't think I had gotten so bad. I'm not sure of my weight... I find that out in tomorrow's Dietitian appointment, but I'm almost certain I haven't gained the weight I know I should have gained in two weeks. Tomorrow is a really bit portion of the deciding factor in a hospital admission, but my T has said to see how I go next week.
The decision is ultimately up to me. It is my choice, up to a point, whether I go into hospital or not. I've been weighing up the pro's and con's...
Just the prospect of going away for a month scares me speechless. I can't even put down in words how I feel about this whole mess.
I don't want to have to go back, but at the same time it might be what I need.
I could potentially do this at home, but I've been doing that for a year now, and I haven't gotten very far, at least not physically.
I don't have to make the choice now. I have a week, factoring in tomorrow's outcome.
I am terrified. I am hurting. I am disgusted in myself.
I'm scared for myself.
I don't often do this, but I'm calling on you girls for your opinions.
It's beyond me right now to make any proper sense of the situation, and your words have always been so valuable, insightful and reliable.
Maybe I need the extra help, just for a little while. The push forward that I can't quite manage on my own, or at home.
Asking for help, and recieving help, isn't a sign of failure or weakness.
It is an act of courage.
love, love, love.
13 comments:
Beautiful girl,
I am so sorry you are struggling the way you are and you are in no way a failure or weak or disgusting for asking for help and your fear is valid, sweetie, but the fear is only that part of you still holding onto your ED and preventing you from truly letting go.
If you believe that this is the push that you need to get well, then by all means, allow yourself to be admitted to hospital. But Eleanor, it's important to remember that only you can overcome this although you are entitled to as much help as you need. I can completely empathize with you, sweetie. I hope you soon realize just how wonderful and gorgeous you are. Inside and out.
Your strength will never stop radiating.
Please do what you need to do to be healthy.
So, so much love.
<3
I'm sorry that you're struggling. I can empathise with feeling the pressures of school and exams.
You are absolutely right that asking for help is a sign of courage.
If you think that going to hospital could be beneficial to you, ad it has been suggested to you, then yes, maybe it is a good idea. It would be scary, but if it helps you then it could be very worth it.
Take care,
Cassie x
sweetie, it pains me to the point of tears to say this, but the strongest thing you could do now is to take the hospital route, it is that push you need, taking the choice to go to hospital is not admitting defeat but rather doing something so hard (that i know you can do) and taking a few more steps so when you get out you can enjoy life and all the amazing things that come along with recovery. well and a few hardships but with us, your family and friends you have all the support around you
You are so loved and no matter what your decision is i support you whole heartily
Eleanor,
You can't beat yourself up for being stressed out - it happens. You can't be superwoman, you can't do everything perfectly all the time… but you do have a responsibility to your health because that should always come first.
I understand how much the stress of school and life can hinder recovery - I don't think I even started recovering until I was done with school and there wasn't any stress on me.
The fact that you are even weighing the pros and cons shows how much you want to get better. Any you know what? There is no shame in going into hospital if you think that's what you need.
As long as it is what YOU want, that's all that matters. If you feel forced, like you 'have' to go, I will tell you right now that it's not going to work. I don't have any hospital experience, but I have heard too many stories about girls going into hospital against their will and they go right back to old habits when they get out because they just didn't want it.
You are such a strong girl, and it's up to YOU to turn your life around, which is one hundred percent possible! Admitting yourself into the hospital could be exactly what you need… Even though you feel confused and need advice right now, only YOU can really decide on what is best.
I love you sweetie! I am sending all of my positive energy your way, and I really hope the appointment goes well!
<3 Tat
oh darling,
i'm so sorry you are having such a tough time :[ i know you are a smart and brilliant girl and you CAN do this. maybe IP will help get you back on track. definitely don't think of it as a bad thing -- i think it could be REALLY good for you. I've considered going back IP too and at this point, it would be kind of impossible for me right now. but if you have the opportunity and you think it would help, i say go for it. do whatever you need to do to get that evil thing in your head to stop hurting my beautiful eleanor<3
i love you so much.
I think we're in the same boat here. The only difference being, you're actually owning up to maybe needing help, and I'm absolutly refusing it. Why is it so hard to admit we need help? I don't know what to tell you, but I do hope you find the answer.
<3 Tori
I am so sorry your struggling, I wish I could some how help.
Honestly, maybe IP is what you need to push you forward if your not making progress OP. When IP was suggested to me, I was so terrified I threw myself into OP so much that I got myself eating enough in a matter of months. I havent gone back once either. Not one bad day in months. why am i telling you this? Maybe the threat of IP is what you need to push you forward. You should try to seee your dietitian once a week and make goals and work towards them and KEEP them no matter what. If you do this, then IP doesnt have to be in the cards. Either way whatever you choose, your in my prayers and I hope you get better. You are such a beautiful person I wish you didnt have to experience this. Life is SO much better without an ED.
Dana xx
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
Eleanor,
this post made my body tighten up. It brought me back a couple of months where my former therapist said she wanted me to go an adult unit at the hospital. For three months. Because she saw my condition as life-threatening. I refused, and she said there was a possibility to force me by law to go to hospital.
What happened?
I freaked out. It went black inside of me, a total breakdown. I do not remember that much from those days, because my mind was not with me. My mother "saved" me back then, refusing to let the doctors go against my decicion and send me to hospital.
To be at a hospital, and to spend time at a unit, is something that will stay with you. It creates memories. It changes you. Maybe that was what I was afraid of, that they would change me in ways I could not control.
I do not know what is best for you Eleanor, I am sharing my experience. Hospital can be very positive, even life-saving for some. It can help you get started, help your mind get to a healthier state. Give you tools and knowledge to walk the rest of the journey outside the hospital.
I do not want to advice you to do one thing or the other, all I want to say is think this through. Listen to your heart. Look at the options.
The most important thing is that you regain your life. That is what I want. I wish there were some magic fix, but it is not. This is a fight for life, and something so precious do not come easy.
Off, this comment turned into a mess. It is just that I care about you, and I want you to have a good and healthy life. You have my support every second of the day, and do not hesitate mailing me if you have any questions or just want someone to share your thoughts with.
You will recieve an answer from a person who knows how difficult such a choice is, and how it is to lay sleepless at night wondering what the hell to do.
Hedda.
Eleanor,
I'm in tears. I'm hurting. I feel like I wrote this post.
There are so many things I want to say to you, I just don't even know where to begin nor how to verbalize it.
I really think that quote says it all-- asking for help shows your strength, it exerts your anger towards your eating disorder. You should not be angry or disappointed in yourself. ED is powerful, ED is strong, manipulative and hurtful. You should be mad at ED for tearing you apart from the life you fully deserve.
I am often very ambivalent about treatment, and recovery in general until I think about the life thats been stolen from me. I think about everything I have to lose by taking the initiative to face my biggest fears and go to treatment. And so, I found that I had more to lose by not stepping up. I couldnt hurt myself anymore, I would have gone nuts and way too deep into my eating disorder.
Eleanor, this is your red flag. this is your chance to stop things before they get worse. this is your chance to be strong and show ED who's boss. No matter how scary.
You've got this. YOU are a rock star and YOu are worth it.
i'm always always ALWAYS here to talk. whenever. buttt seriouslyyy <3
Hospital may not be what you want, but it might be what you need right now. I don't know, but whether it comes to that or not, you need to be kind to yourself, and admit that it's ok to find things hard, and to ask for help.
Sometimes it can be helpful to have a new environment, away from home, school or whatever, to focus completely on getting healthy. This was the function inpatient had for me - it gave me space to realise where I was at, and then work on where I wanted to be, without excessive outside distractions.
You CAN recover, whether you go into hospital or not, just remember that whatever happens, and wherever you end up, recovery still exists and you can get there.
Hugs
Sarah x
Congrats on almost being done with exams! I despise math too!! It is by far my least favorite subject and I am terrrible at it!!
So sorry you are struggling. If being hospitalized is a medical necesitty, definitely go! You can't work on the emotions behind your ED without being medically stable first.
I really think that IP is most helpful if you are motivated to get better. I unfortunately learned this the hard way. I did learn a lot from IP but I know that I would have gotten soo much more out of it if I was more motivated.
Stay strong hun!! You can do this!!
xoxo
~Annie
Thanks for that lovely comment on my blog! Sorry to hear you're in a bit of struggle right now. From my experience, I hated IP program: I hated that they stripped you almost all your freedom; I hated that they treated you like a five year-old child. I hated that there was absolutely nothing to do except to eat, sleep, watch the seconds tick away still the next stipulated snack/meal time. Despite all this, I think if I had not gone for IP (I only went in once), I shudder to think what state I would be in today. Sure it may not be the most friendly place to be in, but under watchful eyes, and provided one does not sneak tricks up one's sleeves, ED has a near zero chance to escape. Ultimately, it's your decision, but if you want to do it by yourself, it's gonna take a hell lot of determination, perserverance and courage to do what is right. Given you have tried that for a year and didn't quite work out, I think it's worth giving IP another shot.
Take care!! And good luck for the rest of your exams!
Eleanor,
I know this is hard to hear, but I've thought for a while that maybe you need more help - hospital or IP seems like the right decision for you at the moment. You said it yourself: you haven't made much progress. Even by reading your blog, I can tell that your state of mind and body is NOT where it needs to be right now. Love, I think you need more serious help. You're very, very sick. Sometimes we just need that extra push, and it's OKAY to ask for help. It does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you strong.
I wish you all the best - I really want you to be okay. Not just okay - happy.
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