For whatever reason, making decisions has never been a strong point. Being presented with too many possible choices leads to an overactive mind, which then results in a whole lot of unnecessary stress.
Unfortunately, sometimes life is a bit like a questionnaire; the yes or no questions, the true or false statements, the multiple-choices, they all demand an answer, and the act of ticking only one box or circling only one-of-the-above can take a lot of effort.
Some decisions are easier to make than others, but when the simple decisions become the hardest to make, the difference between the important and unimportant become skewed.
* * *
My life is cupped in the palms of my shaking hands.
My future.
That power is terrifying.
The ultimate choice of making or breaking everything:
My dreams. My wishes. My hopes. My wants. My desires. My goals.
Me.
Right now, I'm of sound enough mind to choose to stay at home and get myself to a healthy place in every respect.
That choice brings up many, many questions:
+ Am I strong enough to do it here?
+ Can I do it?
+ Do I want it enough?
+ Do I stay at school OR do I defer for 6 months?
+ Do I do this completely on my own OR do I get help from my parents?
Right now, I'm of sound enough mind to choose to willingly go In Patient down in the city for as long as is necessary.
That decision also brings up many questions:
+ How hard will it be?
+ What will they make me eat?
+ How much weight will they make me put on?
+ How long will they keep me there?
+ What happens afterwards, when I'm discharged?
These two options, these to pathways into my future, have been on my mind since Thursday last week. No matter how many times I run through the pro's and con's in my head, I never end up with a conclusion - a decision.
I cannot thank you all enough for your advice and opinions on the topic.
I know that I'm struggling and I know that I could potentially benefit from IP, but there's so many conflicting thoughts and feeling surrounding the issue that it's almost impossible to make a decision anyway.
The more I think on it, the more confused and less certain I become. But not thinking about it is as equally as impossible.
I have really not gotten anywhere with this post. I guess I just need to vent, and vent I shall.
The next two weeks will determine what happens regarding the hospital situation, but until then
all I can do, is do my best.
love, love, love.
18 comments:
This is a difficult one. In a way I didn't really have much choice to go inpatient because I was threatened with sectioning, and knew that there was no way I could get back on track by myself at that point.
In my opinion it's better to keep the choice in YOUR hands. This means either choosing inpatient now, or being certain in your determination to do it at home, which would mean total rest and dedication towards recovery. By making whatever happens YOUR decision, it means you are taking charge of your own recovery.
There is no shame in going inpatient if you don't feel in a good enough place right now to go it alone. I guess think about which environment you prefer for recovery and why. And are these reasons related to the ED? I know for me, I wanted to stay home because it meant that I could more easily cling to ED behaviours if I felt I needed them, which is not a good reason.
I really feel for you being in such a difficult situation, and I hope that the choice stays in your hands, whatever you choose. Ultimately you CAN recover, no matter what option comes into play, but it's a case of which best suits where you are, physically and mentally at this point in time.
Hugs
Sarah x
Hi there Eleanor - im sorry you are having such a tough time with this decision and my heart goes out to you!!! I know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for Eleanor!!! Just remember that decisions are never set in stone - you can always change if you think you've made the wrong choice - i believe that you can recover!!!
xoxo aimee
I'm praying for you my dear. I know you have the strength to carry you through whichever route you choose to take, it's just the indecision that can be overwhelming. You are not alone in this Eleanor - there are so many different ways to go about recovery, so you don't have to feel bad for feeling a little confused.
Whatever you choose, whatever happens, I am behind you one hundred percent. You are an amazing and determined girl... it doesn't get much better than that.
<3 Tat
My friend,
all these questions and confusion is overwhelming for you. And I understand you. When the possibility of hospital lingered over my head I asked over and over again : HOW am I supposed to know what is the right thing to do? How am I supposed to make a decicion? Me- this exhausted and scared little bird? To make such a decicion regarding my future?
That is how I feel right now as well, reading through your post. You can not know what is the best, what will benefit you the most. All you know is that you are not alone. There are hands reaching out to you. Getting stronger you will be able to reach out a hand to yourself as well.
I do not know how much support you will have if you stay at home, but you need support no matter where you are.
I know you have the determination to recover, your words express that. You are stronger than you think. Underneath the fear and confusion is incredible strength that will help you along the way.
I can offer you no clear answer, all I can give you is my support.
Hedda.
Oh, hun :( I can completely relate to not being the best at making decisions. There are so many unknowns. So many uncertainties. So many variables that can change the way things turn out, that if we try thinking about them all, it drives us crazy...
Your goal is to recover, and whichever route you take to get there ultimately makes little difference, as they both should lead you to that final destination. There's no shame in going to IP, and while it may be scary, it might just be the push you need. The desire to recover is within you, but the motivation to do so seems to be lacking. Sometimes , in that situation, external motivation is the only way to make any progress.
But no matter which route you choose, love, you have to be committed to it. Neither is going to work if you don't want to get healthy...
Keeping you in my prayers, hun <3
I would only like to comment on this to say that you aren't alone. Every feeling you described is what I'm feeling. Every decision you're trying to work out, I'm working it out to. It's just nice to know I'm not the first or the last to have gone through this. I hope you get all the answers you're searching for.
<3 Tori
Eleanor,
Whatever decision you make, I know that you have the willpower to succeed! Going in patient is scary, but I am glad that you are open to it. I had all of those same fears before I went in. You just have to trust the staff and they will set up program that is right with you and help you with discharge planning once it gets to that time. Whatever decision you make, know that you will have a lot of support and encouragement! Recovery is tough stuff, but you have what it takes girlie =)
xoxo
Annie
aw sweetie, my prayers are with you! i know that whatever decision you make, it will be the right one. you are SO smart and you know whats best for you. that being said, i completely understand how tough this decision is and i wish i could help you with it -- but it will eventually just come down to you, like you said. i love you so much<3 stay strong darlin.
I'd say: Give IP a try. If you realize that the place you're at is not supporting you in your recovery or that you simply CANT STAY THERE, you'll still be able to discharge yourself and go home or transfer to another programm.
But thats just my two cents.
Lots of love,
Kat
Sweetie!
It is such a tough decision and I do not blame you for being confused.
You are asking yourself all the right questions, Eleanor. The answers are all you and given the chance they'll push you further in to your recovery, in a positive way.
I know where you are and it's so hard but the sign that you are struggling is the sign that you are also trying. And thats the most important thing, beautiful.
Keep fighting for your dreams, your wishes, your hopes, your wants, your goals, your desires, you.
<3
stay strong beautiful
hello! thank you very much for commenting on my blog, i am currently harnessing the power of the internet to send you many hugs of gratitude! it will probably just feel like someone is annoyingly poking you slightly (it is very much a technology still in development) but trust me, GRATITUDE HUG
i know what you mean about being rubbish at making decisions, i am terrible at it too, most of the time i can't even decide whether i should make a decision or not! (it took me ten minutes just to decide to write that sentence!) generally i just end up putting it off for as long as i possibly can and then when it can be put off no more i make a completely spur of the minute quick decision which is often the wrong one but at least then it's done! i think sometimes it's almost worth making the wrong choice just so that the pressure of deciding gets taken away off your shoulders, but then again i am not normal
i was offered IP and i almost went for it but in the end i just thought "i will give myself ONE LAST CHANCE to do this myself and if it doesn't work then i will probably have to reconsider (OH GREAT BECAUSE I DO LOVE CONSIDERING THINGS)" and it did work and i did manage to do it on my own but it probably could have gone hideously wrong too
(this comment is a forerunner in the Least Helpful Comment of the Decade awards, just so you know)
basically i don't think there's really a wrong decision in this kind of situation as long as it's your decision. whatever you choose i think you will be able to make it work.
when i am writing my dictionary i will define you as "KIND OF AWESOME" if you like! good luck :)
...anyway you could always just flip a coin, this is exactly the sort of trivial and unimportant thing that coin flipping was designed for!
(IT'S NOT REALLY, DON'T ACTUALLY DO THIS AND IF YOU DO DON'T SUE ME)
x
Oh Eleanor, I feel your pain. This is a decision that is so hard to make, and it can be too overwhelming to think about at times. Ultimately, no-one can say what is right for you, but YOU... however I will say this; I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that you are strong enough to do this at home if that is what you choose. Have faith in yourself, darling girl - you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for.
Sending all my positive thoughts your way <3
Han xo
Hey there Eleanor, I'm Paola! Really nice to meet you.
This really is a very deep post, and my heart goes out to you. I'm with you on the decision making...sometimes it's just so hard, and when it comes to situations like yours, it's worse.
Even though this decision is yours to make, I'd like to tell you to just try your best and do this on your own. You seem like a really strong girl, and you just need to prove that to yourself.
I wish you the best of luck, and have faith!
Eleanor,
I totally hear you on the decision making part. There is no right or wrong thing to do. Either way it all comes down to the same principle and that's getting yourself healthy..whether it means going IP or doing this on your own with your team. If IP would help you get on track, by all means..do it. It can only help you. And just remember..it's only temporary. Sometimes we need that little boost. But also, I know you are SO strong..and if you decide to do this on your own, I KNOW you can do it. Anything's possible when you put your mind to it.
Whatever your decision may be, I'm here for you every step of the way. Stay strong Eleanor! You deserve to be healthy and happy! =)
<3 Megan
Hi,
Thanks for commenting my new blog.
This decision your facing is one i was faced with not too long ago. While Inpatient has provided me with so much knowledge and awareness of what it actually takes to recover, it willl make it much harder to transition back home to a normal life. Whatever you decide i know you will be strong enough to overcome it.
The reason Inpatient is working because the weight retoration is much faster than i could od at home, and although it is frightening I jsut have to remember that it is healthy and im doing whats right for me.
Just know that you have a bright future wating ahead withour Ed.
<3
Thanks for your sweet comment girl!!
I think you know what is best for you and I know you will make the right choice and God will guide you =)
Be strong hun!
I agree with Sarah. Make sure you follow your heart. Do some serious relaxing (maybe read a book in a favorite park or something) and it will come to you. You will know the right thing. Don't isolate yourself! In the deepest throes of my depression I totally disengaged from others and that made it all worse. Know that there are many people (including bloggie friends!) who love and support you no matter what.
Post a Comment