Falling Upwards.

I feel change coming.

I fear change.

I need change.

The week's events blurred together in her head; so much happening in such a small amount of time had left her weak, exhausted, vulnerable. So many people, so many faces; conversations of long forgotten words, promises and agreements made in a state of semi-consciousness. She felt as if she were awake but asleep, half expecting to open her eyes and find herself lying in bed surrounded by a pool of tangled blankets and scattered journal entries whose words had coming back to haunt her dreams.

Images of her possible future tumble around inside a mind already fogged with thoughts and fears and questions and concerns and emotions. The anxiety of not knowing what's going to happen next has left her feeling almost numb; the lack of knowing renders her useless, hopeless. She is the portrait of a lost little girl.

* * *
Time has escaped me. I've woken up from the past 4 restless nights not knowing what day it is, knowing only that they will be a fight to get through. Every single thing that has happened this week has all been blurred into one long strip of cinema film, tangled up and stuck back together with sticky-tape and chewing gum.
 So much has happened in regards to the prospect of hospital. There have been moments of complete chaos where everything was up in the air and formless, causing everyone involved unbelievable amounts of confusion and stress. Most of the uncertainty has been settled and put into shape piece by piece, but there is still so much that could happen, but might not happen, or will happen but might change.

To cut a very long, confusing and boring story short, my Dietitian and Therapist have been calling up the hospitals down in the city (which is an 8 hour drive away) and seeing if there are beds available. Nothing is certain yet, but I am going down for an assessment this coming Friday. I have to have my bags packed and ready on the chance that I'll be admitted, but if there is no conformation of an extended stay (that is: a long admission) then I will not be going in.

To be honest, I don't know what to expect. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I even want to know what to expect. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm absolutely terrified to the point that I'm calm. Calm might not be the right word for it; more like subdued. I've submitted. I'm too tired to worry, too tired to care.

I've made the decision to go IP.

There's a possibility that they might not be able to admit me, but the prospect of actually being admitted this Friday is terrifying. I have no idea how to deal with any of this.
 On the one hand, I'm absolutely relieved that I have such an amazing support system and treatment team helping me through this and helping me to organise my whole life. My Therapist has been superhuman. She's called me frequently, visited me at home outside of her working hours, given me her personal number... Without her I would not be as 'mentally' strong as I am right now. I'm surprised I've even kept this amount of mental awareness up for so long.
My Mum has been equally as amazing. She's kept herself so strong for me, being so good about it all. Without her love and support I'd be doomed, that much I know.

And on the other side of the hand, I'm beyond petrified of being left in a hospital without anyone I know, and without knowing what to expect there. I know I've agreed to this and chosen this pathway, and I know it's for the best, but making that decision has caused me so much hurt. The fear is consuming.

Do I regret making this decision?
Do I really need it?
Will it work?
What will happen?
What will I have to do?
What do I eat?
How much?
How long will I be in there?
Will they let me go for walks?
Do I keep up my schooling?

I need to shut off my brain.
 I'm falling.
There are people who will catch me.
I'm exhausted.
I won't have to wait much longer.
I'm scared.
Nothing bad will happen to me.
I'm trying.
Trying is the best thing I can do.

I really do feel as though I'm falling... Falling upward.
I have a sinking feeling, but where my life is headed is not down, it's up.
Deciding to go to hospital for a while is going to get me on the right track, so I can properly see my potential, and see that recovery is possible.
I can only go up from here.

This might be the hardest thing I ever have to do. But I am willing to do this, because this is me getting my life back.
I'm falling upwards into recovery, back into life, back into myself.


I'm scared. But I'm not alone.
 
love, love, love.