…and the only thought I have is that I want to go home.
I can't even begin to describe the battles I've been fighting during the few days I've been here. I can't believe how strong the Anorexic voice is, how much it fights against my attempts at getting well.
"
You don't deserve this.
You'll get so fat, I can already see it on you.
Disgusting, worthless, putrid. You're a disgrace. "
You get the general idea that Anorexia doesn't really like hospital.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because it believes I'll get fat.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because they're making me eat foods I wouldn't touch at home.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because I'm eating a lot more food than normal.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because I'm constantly bloated.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because it's going to separate me from Anorexia.
Anorexia doesn't like hospital because I'm getting my life back.
Eleanor doesn't like hospital, either. But she doesn't like hospital for different reasons.
Eleanor doesn't like hospital because she is far away from her family.
Eleanor doesn't like hospital because she is away from her friends.
Eleanor doesn't like hospital because she has no privacy.
Eleanor doesn't like hospital because she is here because of Anorexia.
I don't want to be here, but I know that I need to be here. I have to be here.
Here is the only place I'll be able to leave my Anorexia behind.
Here is where I will leave my Anorexia behind.
* * *
I'm feigning positivity, in the hope that it'll rub off and make me actually
feel positive. As I said before, I cannot begin to describe how hard it has been to be in here, facing my greatest fears every day, every meal. I'm offered the chance of challenging the Eating Disordered thoughts, and I have been doing that. The repercussions of challenging the Eating Disordered thoughts are the constant insults, put-downs and negative mind-frame.
I wake up every morning fearing the day to come.
I also wake up every morning knowing that it's one day down, one less day I have to be here.
The fight against positive and negative is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and leaves me feeling fragile and weak. But that was always going to happen, there was no avoiding that.
Every day is a struggle to get through, but I've gotten through them all so far, so there's nothing to say I won't get through the next.
The constant blood tests, pulse rate checks, temperature checks and blood pressure checks are more that annoying, just as the being followed to the bathroom and shower are more that annoying. But Eleanor understands why it's all necessary. Only Anorexia thinks it's stupid.
It's a fight. But it's a fight worth fighting.
This is my life I'm fighting for. My future.
I'll keep fighting, because I am worth fighting for.
Will you all fight with me?
love, love, love
14 comments:
I will fight with you, I will stand by your side day and night, when you smile, when you cry. When you eat something you enjoy, when you feel bloated. I will fight so hard for you, Eleanor. Because I believe in you, and see an incredible person in you.
I remember screaming inside when they told me about the rules at the hospital. Being followed everywhere. Having to ask the employees to be allowed to do anything at all. Walk. Pee. Shower. Step outside. Answer questions about what I've been up to at the toilet. Having to feel like nobody believed in me. Constant second-guessing of my intentions.
I could not stand the thought. It was all too much for me.
And that makes me...lost for words when reading how you handle it all. It is a battle and you probably have felt pissed so many times the last days, but you see why it is neccessary. And it is temporary. This is a necessary loss of control, to build you up again.
You will become strong. Stronger. The strongest.
You do not have to enjoy this stay, this is not a pleasure and nobody expect you to feel that way. But use this experience to learn and grow. Let yourself be helped. Let yourself take a break from all control for a while. Let your mind heal, as well as your body.
You will like life, I promise you. You will.
I do not know what else to say, because thinking about you right now makes me very emotional. I have so many hopes for you, my friend, and feel so much for you. You have opened up my mind, you have showed what amazing creatures there is on this planet.
So, please, hang on <3
I too will fight with you. It's a challenging experience - it certainly was for me, because it really forces you to confront the ED. But I really do believe in you Eleanor, I have done all along, and this experience will give you a helping hand along the road to recovery. It's a chance for your body to finally take a break, and even though it sucks having control taken away, it's often necessary to get back on track.
The fact that it is not the most pleasant of experiences is also a good incentive to get better and stay well, so that you never have to go back. I know it's hard being away from friends and family, but you are never truly alone...
Keep fighting chick - it will all be worth it in the end :-)
Sarah x
I only wanted to tell you that I am glad you are there, even thought it's hard and you are fighting, because you are so worth it!
*hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor - you ARE worth fighting for and i am right there with you - thinking of you each and every day. I just want to tell you how much i admire your inner strength and desire to fight hard and to get better - you can and will do this and in the end the achievement will be well worth it - i promise!!!!
hand in there sweetie - xoxo aimee
YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. What an amazing post, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I admire you for your bravery and your courage. It will all be worth it in the end, you will feel happier and stronger and better than ever.
Eleanor!
I could not be more proud of you at this very moment. It would have been so easy for you to pass the voice of anorexia off as your own, but you are recgonizing this as a battle rather than an attack. I know you're scared, I can read it in your words, but you are still holding your head high and pushing forward each day.
You are most definitely worth fighting for. You are such an amazing girl, and I am so proud of you for everything. Keep smiling girl :)
<3 Tat
awee I wish I could be there with you, fighting right besides you. Unfortunately, I cant so i'll fight for my house :) hehe.. You are so strong! It's amazing, you will get better! I know it.. You can such insight in separating yourself from the disorder and that will set you free! When I started recover it was so hard for me to separate myself from my ED. I basically thought I was my ED. I'm amazed that you can do this so well.. You are gaining health everyday and i'm sure your getting more and more beautiful
love you girlie <3
Dana
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
"Anorexia doesn't like hospital because I'm getting my life back." -- Loved this. Hun, I'm so glad that you can differentiate between your voice and the voice of your ED. Yes it's a constant battle. Yes there is lots of pain, suffering, and tears. But it's a good thing.
When there are no battles, that means that your ED is satisfied and content... which consequently means that you probably aren't. When your ED is throwing fits, that means that you're doing something in your best interest, consequently pissing off the demons in your head that want to kill you.
I know it's hard love, but the battles are a sign that you're doing the right thing. You don't want your ED to be quiet and content... You want it to be raising a sh*t fit because that means that you're doing what's best.
Stay strong, love <3 You can do this.
i remember having the same experience all too well. you are so strong for doing this eleanor and you are so worth it. i love you so much and i can't wait for you to see how amazing you are. it's going to be wonderful :]
I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK GORGEOUS.
I will fight with you! And my best friend's favorite motto, one that she has to keep reminding me of because I need it all the time: "fake it 'till you make it!" You are amazing, your attitude is phenomenal, you know what you are fighting for, and we all love you so much. ((hugs))
Eleanor,
Let me just say I think you're so brave. You're definitely worth fighting for, and there's no doubt in my mind that you'll get through this. The way you've just expressed yourself actually made me smile, you write beautifully. The fact that you are doing this for yourself and that you are willing to go through all of this to get your life back is an inspiration.
I honestly can't say I know what you're going through, but I know it must be hard. I also know though that it's for the best. Success is much more appreciated when you've worked hard for it. And I know that someday you'll be looking back on all of this; proud, confident, and in peace. I'm keeping you in my thoughts, and I hope everything turns out for the best.
Paola <33
Fighting with you, supporting you, loving you, caring for you, understanding you, cheering for you, holding onto you, never giving up on you...Doing all these and more!
I could NOT be any PROUDER OF YOU.
YOU WILL DEFEAT THE ANOREXIA and YOU WILL BE FREE TO LIVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!
WORTHY + DESERVING = ELEANOR.
Love you sweetheart.
HUGS, Jennifer xxoo
You are worth fighting for and you're not alone in your fight hun! All of us here, not just your family and friends, but all of us here in the blogosphere are here for you, cheering you on because you are worth it. You deserve to be Eleanor because you are unique, beautiful, and wonderful. You may not feel it but you are getting stronger every day and slowly, ED will cease to exist!
Much love
Nat xoxo
i can only imagine how hard it is to accept others know what is best for you. i bet the mental side effects of food make your voice fight back harder as well. this is what happened with me at least.
but what i needed to accept is recovery itself b/c if you dont the battle will never end, accept your thoughts as insane and change them to sane ones...it is hard but it works!! when you say 'anorexia thinks ill get fat" realize the insanity in that thought, then work with it.
insane: youll get fat at hospital
sane: hospital will make you look like your not dying anymore
distortion: what is your view one body acceptance? do you gauge other by how thin/fat they are? why would you let yourself do it?
hope this helped!! I AM FIGHTING FOR YOU GIRL!!! :) :)
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