My mother is the most organised and pedantic person I know. I am the least organised person I know, but the pedantic gene has certainly stayed in the blood.
These two attributes aren't ones I'm particularly proud of. Being unorganised but pedantic makes the whole "preparing for an extended holiday" procedure a very stressful one indeed. I have constantly been writing check-lists, only to throw them away after realizing I've forgotten to write something else down. Lists are supposed to make things easier, so one doesn't forget to pack one's essentials or forget anything of importance; that is what I've been told, anyway, but these lists seem to be raising my stress and confusion to a whole other level. I really don't want to pack that in my bag.
This need to be organised, packed and ready to go, is coming to be somewhat of an obsession. I was up half the night worrying about not having a laptop bag… If that's not out-of-the-ordinary-and-slightly-crazy I don't know what is. Perhaps it's my mother's need to have everything organised and absolutely one hundred per cent ready 4 months before the actual trip that is making me stress to such a degree.
It's all starting to sink in; the fact that I will possibly be admitted into hospital on Friday afternoon has been the cloud above my head threatening to rain, all week. It's there, in my mind, along with the unanswerable questions I need to have answers for.
+ What if they don't have any available beds?
+ What if the other hospital doesn't have any spare beds?
+ What's going to happen then?
+Will it be like hospital at home?
These are all questions I can't have answered because nothing has happened yet. My mind and my concentration have been in the future all week and the snippets of 'real time' I have are so flooded with confusion and uncertainty that I almost feel safe in the unforeseeable/possible futures I create. I can't escape from the confusion, because everyone is confused.
I need to take each day as it comes.
My mother: my organised, calm, composed-at-all-times mother, has been incredible. In one of my semi-conscious states, I began to think of her and all that she's done.
My mother has done everything for me.
She's put on a brave face when all she wants to do is break down and cry.
It's killed her to watch her daughter slowly waste away in front of her very eyes and feel completely useless.
Yet she battles on, she keeps strong, she picks me up when I fall, she's held onto my hand so tightly and she's never let go,
she's never given up.
My mother is my inspiration. I don't know how she's done it and how she does it, but she is amazing. She.is.amazing. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. I know it hurts her to have to let me go, but at least she'll know I'm safe. Me being away for a while will give her a chance to breathe and walk tall, she won't have to tread carefully and watch her words. She won't have to worry or stress or see her daughter suffering.
She'll have the break she needs, and I'll have the help I need, so I can come back not as the Eleanor before the eating disorder or the Eleanor with the eating disorder, but a new, fresh, lively and loving Eleanor.
I'm scared beyond words, and I have refrained from bitching/moaning/complaining about the hospital. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and take it from there.
I just want to be happy again.
And if hospital is what it takes, then hospital it is.
One day, I will be whole again.
love, love, love.
12 comments:
Oh Eleanor! You attitude is absolutely amazing :) I can relate so much to how you feel about your mama.. because I feel the same way about mine.
I am so proud of you for all of this... you have no idea. You are a true soldier, and there is no doubt in my heart that you are going to come out of there and into your mother's loving arms more beautiful and compassionate than ever before. You will be happy again, my friend. I know it :)
<3 Tat
i completely agree with tat -- you are handling this all so wonderfully and i can completely understand where the anxiety is coming from. please know that everything will work out and it is great that you have such a loving support at home <3
i love you so much girl.
Think of it this way. There are a lot of girls out there who are suffereing like you that don't have the opportunity or the money for the treatment you will recieve. So many girls out there that will never be able to recover. This is a great opportunity for you to turn your life around. Take it, and use it to the best of your ability.
<3 Tori
Your mom sounds like an amazing woman, Eleanor, and I'm so happy that you have someone like that in your life looking out for you. My mom has always been my rock in hard times, as well, and I'm sure I wouldn't be here anymore if it weren't for her.
I know it's not easy, but don't be afraid of the hospital, hun. You're going into a place where you'll be getting taken care of and it might be exactly what you need for the healing to begin. Never doubt your strength, and never lose hope. You've been given everything you need to overcome this, you just need to open yourself up and want to do it.
Thinking of you, always <3
Your courage is so amazing! You are willing to do whatever it takes to get better and that will help your recovery so much. I am so glad that your mom has always been there for you. When I was in the depths of my ED, my mom didn't really know what to do so she just ended up getting mad at me. It definitely was not helpful. Hang in there hun! You are right, nothing has happened yet. Take it day by day
xoxo
Great attitude chick, and your words remind me of how I felt and still feel about my mum. It must be hard with the uncertainty of your current situation, but I have everything crossed that there will be a bed available for you and things will be ok.
You are right, take it day by day, and the same goes for hospital. Don't think/worry too far ahead, and remember that hospital is a stepping stone to where you want to be.
Sarah x
Eleanor,
your determination and fire of life is expressed more strongly than I have ever seen it in this post.
You are on your way now, on the right way.
You are so brave. Your future is uncertain. Your days are filled with confusion, anxiety, what if's. Still you stand tall. You and your mother stand tall.
You want to get healthy. You will get healthy. You will learn to love your wonderful self, give yourselve the respect you deserve.
It is wonderful. It is scary. It is unknown. It is your way back to life.
Your mother is proud of you. She loves you, cares about you, smiles when you smile.
This will work out, trust me. You are strong and wonderful, you are an inspiration to me and to so many others with your spirit.
Keep fighting, my support and faith is with you, allways.
Hedda.
i am so glad you are making sound choices & decision and i wish you the best. your mom has got to be so proud of you!
i idolize a lot of qualityies in my mom and she is awesome as well and like yours, has NEVER given up on me
Mothers go through a lot when their children are in pain and they can't do much about the pain, and often they feel responsible for it. I'm glad you have so much respect and love for your mother, and that she has stood by you throughout your illness and helped you. My mother did a lot for me that I never appreciated at the time, when I was very sick, and now I look back and I am grateful for the helpful things she did and not really very resentful anymore about the times when she was angry at me for no apparent reason.
I haven't read your blog much before, but I have been through an ED and other associated difficulties, so I understand that you are dealing with a lot and you are probably very scared. I remember when going to the hospital was the most frightening, yet, unavoidable thing. It's great that you are realizing you really need help and you are open to receiving help, and you have the financial/situational ability to get the help. So many young women do not have all that going for them.
I hope you get much better, and continue to use your voice.
ELEANOR !!!! How are you? I haven't heard from you in such a long time! I remember talking/commenting back and forth a month ago.. I am definitely adding you back on my reader! I don't know how you got off :O
my first time here, but sending thoughts your way...
Eleanor dear, thank you so much for that wonderful comment. It really makes everything worthwhile. =]
And in a way, I can relate to you. I'm not pedantic, but I'm extremely organized. So that means that during ED, every single little thing had to be planned out. I used to hopelessly spend hours thinking about stuff not worth thinking about. Just try to relax Eleanor, I know you can do it.
Just so you know, you're a very strong and inspiring girl. And I'm not just saying that. =]
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