It is the 6th month of the year, already. A whole five months of 2010 have gone by already, and I am left with the question of: what have I actually accomplished this year?
I really don't want this post to be a downer again, after my last post.
(By the way, the comments left on that post made my heart melt. You girls are amazing, and I cannot thank you enough for your support, understanding and encouragement.)
I have another 6 months of this year left to make something of. I've been given a life... Why waste it?
This week of school has the potential to break me. It's exam week... Although I'm in Year 11, and Year 11 Exams don't technically count towards anything, I can't stop myself from freaking out about them. I'm a worrier by nature - I procrastinate until I get so sick of myself that my brain melts all over the page in the form of words that, at the time, make absolutely no sense to me but manage to get me a decent score in the end. I worry myself about the smallest and most insignificant of things; I worry about tests, assessment tasks, assignments and essays days before, can't sleep the night previous, and end up doing well.
I absolutely detest this worrying problem of mine. It's gotten to the point where my Therapist has assigned me allocated "Worry Time", where I have an hour in which I can worry as much as I like. I haven't actually used that allocated time yet... Only because up until this point I had forgotten entirely about it. I spend most of my waking (and probably sleeping...) hours worrying, about goodness knows what for goodness knows what reason.
My brain is melting right now, it seems. Verbal vomit, or whatever you want to call it.
I should blog more, because it's theraputic. But I worry about what I'll write, how I'll write it, who will read it, how I'll come across...
There. Proof. I'm a worrier.
It's gotten to the point where I actually broke down at school today.
I cried.
At school.
In front of strangers.
God, I felt so stupid. I feel so stupid.
A friend of mine, who has also been through this awful disease of the mind, came up to me today. She hugged me, Tightly. And it hurt. It hurt to be hugged because she was rubbing the non-existant flesh on my back. That makes me sick.
The looked at me, she saw me broken, and she said:
"It hurts me to see you. It hurts me to see you like this. I know how you feel, I know what you're going through, and I know you can get through it. You have me, and you have yourself.
I love you."
This girl... She made me see it. She made me see what's right in front of me.
This isn't living.
This is slow suicide.
I do not want to die.
I do not want to be constantly struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and constantly struggling to go to sleep at night and stay asleep.
I do not want to collapse at school, mentally or physically.
I do not want to be stressing myself to the point of sickness every day, for the smallest of reasons.
I do not want to lie in bed at night thinking about how to skimp at breakfast in the morning.
I do not want this disease.
I know I have said this so many times, but I have to keep reminding myself of it.
The only person who can get me out of this hell is me.
I am going to fight until there is no enemy left to fight anymore.
I'm going to win this.
love, love, love
from a worrying warrior.
16 comments:
i love you, and you are amazing.
i love you, and you are amazing.
Eek exams are stressful, and having an ED certainly doesn't help. Remember the exam period won't last forever, and you aren't defined by an exam grade. I know it probably doesn't seem like this, but it's true.
Trying to fight your way through school and recovery is an epic combined battle, and hopefully summer will give you some more space and energy to devote to recovery. Also, try to do something nice for yourself every day, create a space and a time in which you try your very best to enjoy the moment and put worries aside.
As I'm sure you know, worrying won't achieve anything, all it does is invade your time and energy, and no doubt the ED clings onto this with an evil cackle. Believe it or not, once you get used to feeding yourself properly, the extra energy really does help alleviate the worrying to some extent, and aids ability to problem solve.
Thinking of you chick, and sending hugs - remember exam time will be over before you know it, so be sure to have a nice break planned ;)
Sarah x
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. It means a lot to me, it touched me...
Please fight. You can do this and it's so, so worth it. Don't think too much and do the right things. Go for it girl!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Yes sweetie, (you made me cry, no apologizes needed however)
may i send you a quote? well i shall
"All the things we achieve are the things we have first imagined" Imagine good stuff beautiful and take your life back into your own hands, you ARE going to make something great of yourself in your own time, no pressure, first of all before you can help others you need to help yourself, help yourself and realise what an amazing person you are
all my love
Yes, the beginning of this year has indeed flown by. I'm not sure how it became June so quickly, but I am sure that you and I both accomplished much more than you may think.
I have cried so many times in front of complete strangers, for reasons much sillier than worrying about exams. It's okay, I promise you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Your mind, and your body, they are going through some pretty intense changes right now and I would be worried if you weren't seeing the toll it's taking on you.
You are a worrier by nature, and a warrior by heart :) You have so much strength, and determination. Your words, no matter how depressing you might think they are, always lift me up. You will get through this!
<3 Tat
you DONT want this and you CAN and WILL beat this. WE will.
bring it on.
;)
Eleanor
You aren't wasting time. Each and everyday is a new experience in which we can grow and learn from. Everyday..opporunity waits at our doors. These next 6 months will be what you make of it. It's all a chouce, ya know? If you want to have fun..you will. If you want to laugh..you will. Like you said you're the only one who can ultimately set yourself free from this ED.
I'm sorry you're so stressed with exams and all. Good luck. But remember, take time for yourself. Do something self caring. Just do your best! That's all you can do.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way! <3
Megan =)
Wow, I didn't even
realize that 2010 is already half over.... Goodness! Let's put it this way: You aren't wasting time, you're "gathering research," building up the energy to fight 110 percent. They say change happens when the discomfort of staying the same outweighs fear of change, so maybe you're just here until that moment arrives. And there's no shame in that. You are an incredible fighter and already impress me with your strength and courage every time you post, I'm sure that you can smash ED and every other challenge that is foolish enough to cross your path.
Love you and good luck with the exams! ... Deeep breaths.... ;)
Rachael*
I'm a big time worrier too, and the worst part of it is that I worry about the stuff that doesn't matter, and I don't worry about the stuff that does. Isn't it strange that we never worry about anorexia killing us, but that the idea of having to take an exam can leave us shaking in our booties? Because good grades are more important than health and life, apparently...
Hang in there, hun. I know how it feels to be stuck in that "wanting to get better but not ready to do so" phase, but keep reminding yourself of how much better you feel when you take care of yourself, and how crappy you feel when your ED takes over. It's not easy to make that push to start recovering, but you're strong and brilliant, and I know you can do it <3
I used to worry myself sick all the time. I still catch myself doing it sometimes. But...really, it's just pointless. Instead of wasting so much time worrying, how about trying to FIX whatever is worrying us? (if there is anything to fix...most of the time we just worry about stupid shit...)
Eleanor,
you are indeed a worrying warrior.
I wish there were some way my words could calm you down, and give your mind some much needed rest.
To me it seems like you are trying to manage too much right now.
To recover at the same time as trying to be a "good student" is very hard, and might not benefit your health.
I do not say this because I do not have faith in you. I know you can do this, trust me, but I also know how hard it can be to worry about everything and that this might risk your own life.
You are in my thoughts beautiful.
Exams are.... urgh not pleasant and I'm sure you'll do well! I've just finished mine which is why I've been so absent. Sorry but did I give you my email if you ever want to talk.
I'm a worrier too I will worry about anything and everything!
It's hard to recover and focus on school it's like you're being pulled in a number of different directions.
Recovery is the most important part - even though sometimes other things seem important your health is the most important thing.And I know you can do it - you are an amazingly strong woman!
*hugs*
Eleanor
Wow, you are so strong.
eep your head up and remember you can do whatever you put your mind to.
I love your words, your so inspiring, i feel exactly how you feel.
Being in ITs has helped me so much through my recovery, Im finally learning how to nourish my body and mind.
I send my best wishes!
xoxox
I am too a worry wart.. and forever will be I think.
Sweetie, give yourself a break. You work yourself so hard and have such high expectations when you are only human. We can only do so much and push ourselves so much.
Remember to breath and take notice of what you know for sure; you have so much strength and power in you that's just screaming to make itself known. I read it in your words in every single one of your posts. You will win this, Eleanor.
Please, do it for yourself, for your future. You are absolutely right, don't waste time.
So much love
<3
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