Graduated.

So this is us. All dressed up, all grown up. All beautiful, happy, laughing.

Last night was the most amazing night of my life. I wish I could put last night into words and share every last bit of it with you... I wish that were possible. But words cannot sum up the laughter, the happiness, the smiles, the hugs, the tears, the joy, the sadness and the memories... Words aren't enough.

I am so exhausted right now -  I got less than three hours sleep:

but I just wanted to share a few photos with you all, and a few words.
(Yeah we were so dead... And that was before we went to sleep!)

I've missed my bloggies! It felt strange, not writing last night, not catching up on things in the morning, not commenting or recieving comments. I missed it, but it was worth the break! My life changed last night. No ED, no fat thoughts, no negativity. It was all about me being happy, my friends being happy, my Mum being proud of me, sharing the love with the people I grew up with. And that's all it was. I didn't have time to doubt myself, put myself down or think about food. And even if there was, I wouldn't have cared, because it wasn't important. And that made me realize, that it isn't important, at all. ED isn't important. ED doesn't deserve a place in my  life. Only the important things deserve a place in my life.
Without further ado - I give you some photographic evidence of Eleanor's happiness.

My Partner and I (AKA the guy I've had a crush on since forever ;) )

Me, My Sanity and My Support.

My rain maker and I.

The Two School Captains.

The Fantastic Four.

My favourite of the night. My Math teacher Toppy, he's the reason I got through Year 10.

I will never forget last night. I don't really know what to say at the moment. The reason for that is to some extent exhaustion, but mostly because I really can't find the words to say just how beautiful this experience was. I will miss everything about Chaffey. The good, the bad, the inbetween. The Maths exams, the endless English classes where we all did nothing except distract the teacher and learn about his dark past (it's so interesting, I need to write his biography), watching the idiots be idiots, music classes and performances, long talks with teachers about anything and everything and nothing... I will miss it all.

I can honestly say, I am at an incredibly happy place right now.

I love you all, so dearly.

Celebrate.

ow. So today was my last day of high school, ever. I said a lot about that in my last post, so I won't repeat myself again (I'm sparing you!) but I will say a bit about my day. Well, last night I was told I had to write a speech for the assembly tomorrow. Initial reaction: WTFOMFGAREYOUSERIOUS!?!!!? WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME AGES AGO!?!?!?!!ajfjalfhfjhf!111
Et cetera, et cetera.
But when it actually got to doing it, it came easily, without fuss. It was heartfelt, it was true, but it came easily. Something I really wasn't expecting. So that was the easy part. Then it came to the morning, when I had to speak. In front of the whole school. Okay, so I've done it before, but I'm always super nervous. And what surprised me more, was that I actually improvised most of it! Yes! I spoke from the heart, without reading words in a monotonous voice from a sheet of paper! Then we got on to shirt signing. Oh, that was fun. Tags all over chests/asses/stomachs, ownages to particular body parts, profanities, jokes, love hearts (so many love hearts...), and it was such an enjoyable experience.

And my favourite, the last one. This is a running joke between me and Sophie Hoyle... Four years long. She's convinced herself I'm gay, haha.

We then went to the pool, where we just chilled and watched people dive from diving boards and throw each other around the water. I am not a water-baby, so I stayed on the land where I felt safe!

Today, people who never talked to each other were talking - enemies, friends, and I-never-even-knew-you-went-to-this-school's were getting along. It was such a positive, happy environment; I wanted it to last forever. It still hasn't really caught up with me, yet. That I'm finished high school. I wish I had made more of my years there. I feel ashamed, but I'm also extremely proud. I've come a long way, I've come out of myself, become myself. I have lost who Eleanor is, but I'm on a quest to find her and shove her back into a body that is nourished, cared for, loved and respected. But above all, accepted. I can't go on hating myself any longer - after seeing how many people love me, how many people care about me and appreciate me, for me; it's made me realize that I should love me too. It's not just other people's job to love me, I have to love myself.
I'm learning to love, learning to live. Learning to be me and no one but me. This year taught me a lot, and today taught me a lot, too.
I only get one chance in life, and I want to make the most of every second of it.

Tomorrow night is the Year 10 Ball. Our graduation, if you will. I'm so excited, but terrified at the same time. I just want to have fun. I want to be me, I want to dance and laugh and smile and be happy. I want to show myself that I it is okay to be happy, it is okay to share my feelings of happiness with others and not hide away in the shadows. I want to be seen, not as "the anorexic", but as the girl who wasn't afraid to let her true colours shine, through the darkest of time.

I want you all to shine, too. I want you all to let your true selves show through and speak up over the masks and lies we've hidden ourselves behind. The real beauty is inside, in our hearts. Let your voice speak, not whisper. Let your heart sing, not scream. Tell the truth, don't lie. Love yourself, don't hate.

Let yourself be, do not pretend.

I love you, all.

Story Teller.

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG.
Tomorrow is my last day of Year 10. The end of an "era", you could almost say. After four years of being a high school kid, Chaffey has almost become a home away from home. A home full of abusive brothers and sisters and authoritarian mothers and fathers... But a home, nonetheless. I've grown up there, blossomed, then shrunk into a small fraction of what I could have been. So many opportunities I took, and so many I rejected as the time wore on. I became myself and lost myself, in four short, yet memory-packed years. A journey. A journey coming to an end.
Teachers I've met have helped me through my years - befriending some of them, almost. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a hit with the teachers. They all seem to love me. But never because I strove.. strived..? (is that even a word?) for attention, but because I was "me". People liked Eleanor for Eleanor. Not because she was skinny/pretty/smart/funny or whatever else superficial people like in other superficial people. I was Eleanor and they liked Eleanor for the person she was. Now, I still am Eleanor, but a modified Eleanor. Or rather, just a small piece of who Eleanor was.
High school gave me the chance to come out of my shell and create a life for myself, a life that I wanted to live, and motivated me to fulfill and live my dreams. For the first three years, I did that. I gave it my all, I put myself out there, stepped way out of my comfort zone, challenged myself. But as 2008 drew to a close, things changed. I put myself up for things I shouldn't have. Maybe if one had come after the other, then I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now. But events crammed themselves into one small space of time, and I found mysel flailing. Lost. Out of control. I pushed myself too hard and challenged myself too much. I gave  all of me, and I gave too much - I never got it back. When I should have been proud, I felt ashamed. When I should have been celebrating I wanted to cry. When I should have been happy I felt depressed. Everything crumbled around me, and it seemed as if no one or nothing was there to catch the pieces. I suppose, that's where the name of this blog came from: Pieces Of Her. I'm trying to get the pieces of me I lost last year and piece me back together, bit by bit.

I could have made the most of my last year of high school, but Eleanor wasn't in it. She'd lost herself completely. I was too scared to take challenges, too scared to fail, too scared to give because I knew - or rather, I was afraid - that I wouldn't get anything back.

Tomorrow is an end. But tomorrow is also a new beginning. A chance to start over, a chance to recreate myself, piece myself back together. I really do want to make the most of the next two years of my life, because those two years are the foundation of the rest of my life. I can't afford to fail, or not do my best, because I do want to get the most out of life.
So although this year wasn't anywhere near as good as it could hve been, I learnt a lot. Through hospital I met some amazing people, one girl whom I'm still in contact with. Unfortunately she's been in and out of hospital too many times to count. But some of the nurses there, I will always remember. They were my mother's away from home. I also learnt an incredible amount from the overnight stayers, there with their family members. I remember so well the conversations had late at night with patients parents - the wellwishes from visitors and "I never want to see you here again's" from the nurses.

This is the end of a chapter in my life. But it's not the end altogether. Not yet. No where near. My life has only just begun, and I am determined to make the most of everything.

Although tomorrow will be emotional, memories will be made, photos will be taken, laughter and tears and hugs and love will be shared amongst the Class of '09. I'll never have this opportunity again, and that is only motivation to make the most of every opportunity put in front of me in future.

I'm writing out my life, day by day, creating pages of memories and chapters of good times and bad. But it is my book, my story. My life. And though some of those pages will be torn and barely legible, others will be full of beauty, happiness, wisdom.
We are the tellers of our stories, the authors behind the words. Nothing and no one else is in control of the memories we sketch on each page, each day. The paper is our very own, the foundation, our bodies; the ink our very own special colour, the colour of our memories; our words are our voices, our hearts and our minds. It is our story, no one elses, nothing else.
Create. Imagine. Believe. This is your world. Your story.

Love, love, love.

Learning to Live.

Today would had to have been the most exhausting day I've had in a long while. An adventure I wasn't really willing to take part in. Today was what we call "Orientation Day", where the Year 10s go over to Senior College (Year 11 and 12) and experience one of their school days. That meant, spending a day in a school I'm unfamiliar with, amongst hundreds of kids my age I have never seen before. To put it frankly, I was terrified. I'd worked myself into a sweat this morning, deciding what to wear. I kept putting myself down: You look fat in that! Your hair looks so gross today! Look at your face, it's so ugly! And it wouldn't stop. Of all days, ED had to make his presence known today.
I've never felt so intimidated in my life! So many girls, so pretty and slim and 'perfect'. I compared myself to all of them... Well, ED did. She's so much skinnier than you, her legs look so good, but yours don't. She's so much prettier than you, you're nothing compared to her. The comparisons, obviously, were pointless, because of course I'm not going to have the same facial features or figure as the next girl, because we're all unique. ED wouldn't bite that, though. Went off on its own merry way. I felt like I was being picked apart and torn to pieces by every single pair of eyes... I felt like I wasn't good enough for any of these people.

Now, although my day wasn't as great as it could have been, I accomplished something in spite of all ED was saying. I ate my snack, and I ate my lunch. I was considering not eating it, because "my parents would never know", but I ignored ED, and I had that damn sandwich! I knew I needed it, I knew my body needed it. I was feeling extremely headachey; unfortunately I still am now, but I did what was right by my body, and not what was deemed right by ED.

I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. My positivity levels could be higher, but after reading all the beautiful comments from yesterday's post, my heart grew. It's amazing, the power of words.
Today was a big wake-up call. I've got to be healthy to be able to get through next year, because it's going to be hard. I need to be as strong and healthy, both physically and mentally, to cope with the new lifestyle and work load. So in a way, I'm glad I went through with and didnt cop out, like I normally would have. It was a lesson that needed to be learned.
I want to get the most out of life, but to get the most out of life I have to give myself the chance to live.
I am learning to live again.
I'm not going to live a half-life. I only have one chance, so I am going to make the most of the time I have, with the life I have. I will not waste a moment more in darkness when I could be shining with the life I know I can have.

And you can all shine with me.


Love, love, love.

Poison.

Firstly, I want to send a huge virtual hug to all of you wonderful, beautiful, supportive girls for the kind words from yesterday's post. I can not tell you how much those words cheered me up and warmed my heart.
Sometimes it takes a while for things to really sink in and register. I was in such a frenzy yesterday that no common sense was getting through - your support pulled me out of that frenzy and made me see the reality. So thank you, from the bottom of my overwhelmed heart.

Last night was a horrible night. ED took over my mind. I looked in the mirror: all I saw was fat. I tore at my skin, trying to force it down and away, as if pushing it back it would make it disappear. It didn't. ED wasn't happy. ED really wasn't happy. I walked out of the bathroom and broke down into tears. Mum was there, and she caught me up in her arms. We had a long talk, with me curled up next to her on the couch. Her words were full of love, and they made EDs words fade away, until I was Eleanor again. She brought me back. She's not letting me go, and she said so. I said something, that amazed me. "ED has been here for me. But not always. You've always been here for me; you were here before ED, and you'll be here after ED." At first I couldn't believe I'd actually said that. ED roared, I'll tell you that much. But Mum wouldn't let him take over me, not then.
However bad last night was, I am glad it happened. I have learned to appreciate the help I'm getting, instead of fighting it. Although the battle is nowhere near won, I am eventually going to come out on top. I am a person. I was a person before ED and I'll be a person after ED. I was loved before ED, and I'll be loved after ED.

That was an extremely significant realisation. We shouldn't identify ourselves with ED, because we were without them, once. We just become so swamped under by the thoughts and taunts and persuasions and provokings that we lose sight of who we are, and focus entirely on what ED is and what it wants. It's never about our needs, only EDs. And that has to change.

We all deserve love, we all deserve a life, we all deserve our own headspace, and not have it invaded by this evil. Mum said something else that stuck with me.
ED is a big black stain on your shoulder, taking over your heart and your soul and engulfing it in darkness.
 Now, unless someone can find a really darn big bottle of stain remover, we're going to have to use our own elbow grease to get this stain off. We have the love, help and support needed to remove it, we just have to take it.

We all have the power to let our true selves shine through the dark stains of ED.

♥

I'm sorry for my rambling and being all over the place with this post. I don't know exactly what I want to say. But I just want you all to know that you are all strong enough to overcome all hardships put in front of you. Every day is a challenge, and every day you make it through, waking up in the morning even stronger than the day before. We can all shine, if we give ourselves the chance.

♥♥♥

Hell.

ED had a major freak out today. Well, actually, ED had two freak outs today. I didn't cry tell anyone, because I knew my family just wouldn't listen.
Freak Out #1: I went shopping with Mum today, which is the usual Sunday thing. I was just looking around, like normal, when my eyes came across a sight ED wouldn't let me look away from. This sight, I'll warn, might be triggering to some, and I really do apologise to you ALL, but I need to get this off my chest. I saw a girl standing next to her cart; she had beautiful high heeled shoes on, but I questioned why she was wearing them around a town such as ours. Then my eyes moved up, and I saw her as a whole. She was... Very slim. Very slim. I wanted to drag my eyes away from her, but I couldn't. Her cheeks were hollow, her legs were barely there, her arms and her torso were drowning in her leather jacket. I... Didn't know what to think. Didn't know how to react. I saw this girl, and my heart ached. But then ED jumped in. The taunts... They were horrible. "You were never that skinny. You're a failure. You're so fat and disgusting. You should be disgusted in yourself. You're a bad anorexic for never being so skinny." I was shaken. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I was questioning myself: Hang on, bad anorexic? What the hell? What is a bad anorexic? It didn't make sense! It doesn't make sense! No matter how I look at it. Am I a failure because I never looked so.. Lifeless?
But then I thought again: I don't even know what I look like, or what I did look like when I was at my sickest. How do I know that I never looked like that girl? I don't. That's the thing. I Don't know what I looked like, or what I look like.
Freak Out #2: Afternoon snack came around, and I had what I normally have. Yogurt, fruit and nuts. But today.. I tried to sneak my nuts away, and I succeeded. ED was so pleased that I did so. But after I finished the rest of my snack, I... Took those nuts back and ate them. Then ED flipped. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You shouldn't have done that! You're going to get so fat! Get UP! Get UP! GO AND BURN THAT OFF. Oh, my God. I was in Hell. I went outside, and I listened to what ED said. I didn't let myself sit down, not once. Not once until dinner time.
I'm drowning in all these conflicting thoughts.

I don't know what's up with this. One day I feel like the sun is shining right out of my heart, and the next day it's like I'm living in a pitch black hole. I can't keep up. I don't know what to think, what to do, how to react. I can't tell my parents, they just don't understand. I needed someone, I needed an outlet, so I came here.
I hope I haven't hurt anyone by what I've said, but I would have gone crazy if I hadn't written this out.

I love you all so much; every single one of your comments brightens my day. This morning when I woke up and read your comments, I smiled so much that my eyes watered. I cannot thank you enough for the support and kindness I've been shown.
I'm really sorry this post is such a downer. I'll try and be more uplifting tomorrow, I promise. Afterall, tomorrow is a new day.


Love, love, love.

YOU.

I almost didn't post today. No particular reason to that, really, but I just don't feel like I have much to say.
What I do want to say, though, is that the comments I got on yesterday's post really, really made my day. Each and every one made me smile - the support from you girls is just overwhelming. I was all choked up! Yes, I know, I'm a cry-baby. Little Miss Sensitive.

The Dietitian appointment today was over and done in about 15 minutes - literally in and out! Which I am thankful for. I was really not looking forward to it, but it didn't end up being all that bad. Maybe that's because it went really quickly... Haha. I convinced her to not weigh me, either. Which, again, I am thankful for. I just knew, that no matter what the number on the scale read, I would be unhappy with it, and this week, I really don't want to be unhappy at all. This week is my last week ever of high school, and I want it to be a good one, as anxiety-free and stress-free as possible. Being weighed would've elivated that stress/anxiety/feelings-of-complete-failure to unbelievable hights. So, I'll just postpone that for next week!

I did something special today! And it really put a positive spin on my day. I got my nails done! Oh, yeah. I went all out, ha! And let me tell you, tapping away on a keyboard is so awkward at the moment, but so much more fun. Tip-tap-tip-tap. I feel so... pretty. I haven't felt worth anything in a long time, and though it's only little and quite trivial, this pamper session really put me in good spirits about myself; a bit of a confidence boost. A push in the right direction, I suppose.

So, while I am in a semi-positive frame of mind, I want to remind you girls of something.
You are all worth it. You are all beautiful, intelligent, incredible girls who deserve the best of everything in life. We all have our down days, our "fat" days, our "I-want-to-give-in-to-ED" days, but we also have good days, where we feel like there's something to live for, something to strive for. Take a hold of those good days. And when you are having a down day, make sure you do something for yourself, despite what ED says. Give yourself a reason to smile, or at least make you feel a little better, if only for a short while. Read your favourite book, treat yourself to a coffee, put on make up and do your hair... Something that makes you feel good. Because you deserve to feel good. Feeling good, in EDs book, is not allowed. But fuck ED! Seriously. Screw ED.
Listen to you. Do something for you.
Do what makes you happy.

You are worth it.

Love, love, love.

Living.

I should be used to this by now, but I don't think it's possible to 'get used' to sporadic changes in mood. Today has been a really odd day. I worked myself up into an anxious state this morning over my Maths exam. I've convinced myself I flunked it, but you know what? I did my best, and that's all I could do. I don't care if I got horrible marks... Well, that's a lie, I do care what I got. But regardless, I tried my hardest, I put all I could into it, and that's all that was possible to do.

The end of the year is just around the corner; I'm finishing high school for good next week. My final few days being a high schooler. Then it's off to Senior College. Sheesh. Time has flown... I think, everything has sort of caught up to me, because the year is ending. I realized that I lost myself this year. I have spent a whole year unhealthy, mentally and physically. That's no way to spend a year. That's no way to spend any time. I feel like I've wasted a whole year of my life... And for what? What good have I gotten out of this? None! None, whatsoever. 

Tomorrow I have my weekly Dietitian/Nutritionist appointment, which has added onto my stress levels. I know I haven't done as good a job this week as I should have and could have. I've been sneaky... And I hate, hate, hate admitting that. But I've cheated and lied, and I know that the only person I'm hurting is myself, I KNOW that. It's driving me crazy that I'm being deceptive, thinking I'm being clever by cheating my parents, when I'm actually cheating myself. I am doubting seriously that I've put weight on this week, which would mean that I have to start eating more. I physically cannot cope with eating more than I'm already eating... You can see my problem, here. I've done this to myself, and now I'm freaking out about it because I know I'll suffer the consequences. I'm the only one in the wrong. ED is trying to convince me that I'm fine, that it's good to cheat and lie and deceive. Fuck, ED. Look where you've gotten me! (Excuse my inappropriate language.) You've manipulated me, and my family, and everyone I love. You've made me dug myself into a hole, and that hole is getting deeper and deeper; the way up is getting further and further away. Those stars in my sky are shrinking... I want to be able to reach them, touch them, hold them. I want to be free.

ED is a sneaky little bastard, and I want to put an end to this insanity. My mind and my body are in two completely different worlds. ED is in both. I can see the rational, logical answers, but this ass-hole has put up a barrier, this glass wall... I can see everything, I just can't get to it.
I'm making an oath. And I am going to stay true to my word. You are my witnesses. 

I am not going to cheat, I am not going to lie; to myself, and to everyone else.
I am going to nourish my body and my mind, always.
I am not going to give up or give in, no matter how hard things become.
I am going to live.

I give myself permission to live. I acknowledge the fact that some days are going to be harder than others, and some days I am not going to want to stay true to my words, some days I am not going to want to nourish my body and my mind. But regardless of how much I struggle, how tempting those ED thoughts are, I am going to do what is right. I can't continue living like this. This isn't living. I'm not living. I am merely existing. That's not enough, not for anyone. We deserve to live, love, laugh, be happy and engaged in life and all that is around us. We deserve to be free of ED and all the hate it brings. We deserve to live.

And to help us, I have brought along a new friend of mine.
Everyone, let me introduce you to our secret weapon.
Her name is Strength, Courage, Bravery, Power, Love, Intelligence,
Beauty.
And she lives inside each and every one of us.

Love, love, love.
♥

P.S. And she kicks ass.

Tick Tock.

I've strapped myself to my desk chair and glued my eyes to a Math textbook for the better part of today, and I think I deserve a break! I have a Math Exam tomorrow morning, covering everything we've done this year... I honestly can't remember the last exercise we did, let alone the first one we did this year! I'm stressing out big time, and I'm really doubting myself. My cheat sheet has every possible thing that I can fit on it, yet I know that there's nowhere near enough to get me through this exam. I have absolutely no confidence in myself, but I really don't want to convince myself that I'll do horribly, because otherwise I will do horribly!

Today, apart from slaving away at numbers, I had a Therapist appointment, which went alright. I told her pretty much all my worries about changing. I'm scared of losing myself. I don't know who I am without 'ED'. ED is my identity now, and if I lose ED, I lose myself. Now I know that isn't true, I was a person before ED came into my life, but because it's been a part of my life for a while now I feel like it is me. That is unhealthy, unrealistic, illogical, stupid, doesn't-make-sense. I know I know I know. But knowing and doing something about it are two completely different things, unfortunately. You can talk about doing something all you want but unless you actually do it, nothing will happen. I've got to somehow put actions to my words. Transfer all this thinking and knowing into physically and mentally doing.
I'm stuck, in other words. Telling myself that I need to get better is all well and good, but until I actually do anything about it, it's a waste of words. 

It's been raining most of the day, but it's sticky and humid and gross... I do like the thunder, though. It's a change from the blinding, burning sun! Thunder used to scare me as a little girl. Now thunder brings me a sense of safety and security. The deep, echoing rumbles are strong and powerful, the opposite of how I feel. It makes me feel brave and strong.

I'm giving my body a rest today, and not doing yoga. I haven't been feeling well lately, so I am being kind to myself in one way or another... Just not completely! I'm  getting there. It all takes time. And I have time. We all have time. There is always time. 

Give yourself some you time.
Every time is time to love yourself, because you are worth the time.

Wish me luck for tomorrow; I'll need it!

Love, love, love.

Pictures Speak A Thousand Words.

This photo really did something for me. 

On one of my many journeys through the internet, I discovered this picture. I have many journeys through the divine world of the internet, but I never usually come across "inspirational" things. Maybe they like to avoid me, or maybe I'm just really bad at finding cool things. But whatever, I found it, and I didn't want to be greedy and keep it to myself - I thought you should all see it. The unspoken words this picture speaks is pretty obvious: reach for the stars.  I know I'm not very original, but however simple, this picture is beautiful, and it made me realize just how possible it is to reach for the stars, if only we give ourselves the chance. Forget that saying "The sky's the limit"; there is no limit, we only create them for ourselves. Human nature can really be a bitch sometimes.
So my lovelies, reach for your stars, reach for your dreams. Even if you don't grasp those stars with both hands, you did your best, and your best is all that you can do. Those stars will always be there as a reminder that you can do it, if only you try, and stop doubting yourselves. (I do need to take my own advice, I know.)

Hint hint? 

I just realized that one of those say "Humgry" instead of "Hungry"... Small things amuse small minds.
...Anyway. This one is very obvious too. We deny ourselves the feeling of hunger, but inside our body is really screaming out for food and nourishment.
I shouldn't tell you this, but this photo is actually from a cannibal movie, I'm pretty sure, and this is the basement. The house really existed... Hah. Okay I'm sorry that was weird!

But in all seriousness, it's the same sort of situation. We've locked our realistic, logical minds in the basement, and in its pain and anguish, expresses itself in physical ways. We go without noticing, but the signs are there. It's all there, we just don't see it, because our real minds are locked in the basement we put it in. 

Well, that was pretty deep, coming from me.

Pictures may speak a thousand words, but so do I.

I went for a walk earlier, Christmas shopping for my mother, of all things. I came out of a shop, and got the shock of my life. In front of me was a woman with her husband and a baby. Normal, right? Only this woman was about half the size of me. Length-ways, not height. Now, I know I'm probably in no situation to be commenting on others' physical appearance - for all I know she could be terminally ill. But it just... Hurt. It hurt to look at her, as horrible as that sounds. My heart went out to her, my heart hurt for her. But ED had a lot to say about it, too.
Why aren't you as thin as her? God, you're fat. Look at you, compared to her!
I almost felt jealous of her. Which sickens me. Why would I, how could I, be jealous of a woman in the situation she was in? It didn't make sense. I was second-guessing myself. I don't know if it triggered me, but it made me aware of the physical weight I've put on. I should be happy that I fill out my jeans now, that my ass isn't a pancake, that I don't have to wrap my belt around me sixteen times so my jeans stay up. Should be. But I'm not. And it really doesn't make sense.

I really am terribly sorry if this is triggering in any way, but I needed to let it out, talk it through with you ladies first, before I tell my parents, if I tell my parents. I know what they'll say. "You have no right... You probably look like her... You're not in your right mind to be commenting on others... You should be worrying about your state..." and fair enough. But it's not what I want to hear. It's a hard world. 

Well, positive and negative today. I hope they evened out a bit. 

Love, love, love.

What to do, what to do.. And what to think?

I woke up this morning knowing I had a Therapist appointment. I wasn't dreading it, but I wasn't particularly looking forward to it, either. She's a wonderful lady, don't get me wrong, but for some reason, today I didn't have anything to say to her. Sure, I have a lot going on in my head that I wish I could sort out, but when it comes to talking about it and trying to explain, words don't do it justice. So anyway, I got out of bed, did my morning yoga, had breakfast and beautified myself for the day ahead. I waited outside my house, looking for her car.
...And I waited. I looked at my phone. Ten minutes past the normal time I see her. Then it sunk in. I had the wrong day. I cannot tell you how moronic I felt, standing outside my house for fifteen minutes waiting for someone that was never going to come. I don't know what I got out of that little experience, other than feelings of idiocy and stupidity. No one to blame but myself and my non-existent organization skills. Sigh.
Although my day started off on the wrong foot, (maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side? Who knows) I'm not feeling all that bad today. I do still have a lot going on in my head, and I would love to be able to get it out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Physically, I think I'm on the up, but mentally, I'm still in a hole. Like I said yesterday, I know I need to get better, but I'm having trouble wanting to get better, which makes the situation a pretty awkward one to be in. I'm still scared of everything, I still have these stupid fear foods, irrational fears I know are irrational, yet I can't beat. Or I don't want to beat? ED has a strangle-hold on me, and refusing to let go. I feel suffocated.

I read somewhere - on an amazing blog that I, for the life of me, cannot remember - that ED is like an abusive husband. And when I think about it, it makes so much sense. ED claims that he loves you, just like the husband, and says that he wouldn't ever hurt you, will always care for you and be there for you, and yet as soon as the door closes, he hits you, knocks you to the ground, beats you, leaves you lying on the floor in tears and pain. Minutes later, he comes back, saying he's sorry, saying he loves you, that he didn't mean to, that he'd never hurt you on purpose. And you believe him. You believe his every word, you believe him when he says he loves you and cares about you. You make excuses for him, you defend him, even though, deep down, you know everything he's doing is wrong. You know you would be so much better without him. But you can't leave him, you can't, because you're attached to him.
That, my ladies, is exactly what ED does. We know all that what ED is doing is wrong, yet we keep him close, we can't let him go. The intelligent girlie who said this, is right. She's hit the nail right on the head.
I'm sorry to be somewhat negative, but I really needed to get that down in writing!


In other news, my Dad did something completely unexpected today. I was getting ready to go out with him, as we were going shopping, and when he saw me, he looked at me strangely. Then he said "You're wearing blue." I think he's used to seeing me in greys and blacks. "That's a new top." That... I cannot tell you how much this amazed me. He noticed I had something new! I was blown away. Usually my father is Captain Oblivious, but today he really surprised me, by noticing me in something different. I know that may not seem like much, but it really struck a chord with me. He's full of surprises, that man.
This afternoon I've got to go to the Senior College for enrollment, and I am terrified. I'm still so scared about next year, being at a new school, new surroundings, with new people. It's a new chapter of my life but I don't think I'm ready to turn the page yet. Change is something I'm still struggling with accepting, in all aspects. Body & physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. I should be embracing this new change! I'll be studying the things I want to study, I'll have more "independence", I'll be growing up and becoming a woman, preparing myself for the adult world. But at the same time, I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I'm ready. It's such a strange position to be in! I'm at a crossroads and there are so, so many paths, and each path looks as daunting as the others, except for EDs... ED's is the easy road, the nice, simple, problem-free road. It's so tempting, it's awful. But you know what? ED can walk that path alone, because I'm not going to join him.
I choose life.
I just wish I knew which way life was.
 

Sorry for the narrative! I've got so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another day. Congratulations to those of you who made it through this maze of words and meanings! 

Love, love, love. 

Not in my right mind.

I'm really not sure how I'm feeling today. I'm not really "all there". I think I might be coming down with something... The past few days I've been a bit off color. I hope it's nothing major - I can't afford to get sick now! 

School today set a few thoughts loose in my head. This day, last year, I was standing up in front of my school, running for position of "School Captain", which is just like a head-girl, I suppose. An ambassador/leader of my school. Today, the same thing happened, but instead of me being up there, there were a new batch of kids, a year younger than me. It brought back memories of last year, when my life really started to go downhill. The running for school captain was extremely stressful, and I had many other commitments, not to mention deadlines to meet. I guess I just worked myself out, and everything got out of hand. I'm still finding it hard to believe that it's been a year. The worst sort of anniversary to 'celebrate'. 

I'm rambling at the moment. I don't have a direction to this post, I just need a place to vent the feelings I can't actually understand. My body image issues are still as bad as ever, and I'm still trying to accept that I need to get better. I know I need to, but I'm not sure if I want to. Which in my logical mind I know doesn't make sense. But ED likes to get his say in everything, and is still convincing me I don't need to eat or get better, blah blah blah.

Oh, dear. I'm really not with it, today. I can't think straight, I can't concentrate, I feel like crying. I'm not myself. I don't even know if I ever am myself. I'm lost at the moment.

I'm sorry this is such a negative post. If I feel more "myself" later on tonight then I might post.
Ive been reading through your lovely posts today, and they have inspired me and motivated me, cheered me up, as always. It's amazing, just how motivating you all are. The support I've gotten since starting this blog has blown me away, and I want to send you all my love, because I am so grateful.
I love you, girlies. Never forget that.

Before I go, I just want to leave you with a quote from a book I'm reading at the moment, that really struck a chord with me. Take from it what you will, and I hope it strikes a chord within all of you, too.

"She marveled at the effect hope could have."

Love, love, love. 

Her Rain Maker.

It's windy and rainy out at the moment, which is a real change when you compare it to last week's heatwave. The weather has inspired me to post up a poem a true friend of mine wrote for me. He has written two - one of which is called "I Am Her Rain Maker", which is where I got the address of this blog from. Unfortunately, Mum's put the book away the poem was written in so at the moment I don't have it, but I really wanted to share his other poem with you lovelies, because it is truly beautiful.

Time and Time Again.

I see that you struggle through your life, always finding it hard,

I hate it so much, it breaks my damn heart.

I see that you sometimes cry from the inside, leaving almost everyone else oblivious,

From how you feel deep down.

I’ve seen you smile, it’s wonderful but I’m not easily tricked

By your smiles and laughter of joy.

Though your smiles are real, those smiles and laughs, it’s also a disguise hiding from everyone, the hideous truth.

It leaves me feeling so fucking heart sick and distressed,

Deplorable, despairing and so sorrowful. It’s so horrible.

Once, you came to school,

You were walking past a class room

With your face down,

Looking at the ground.

You couldn’t lift it up.

Your eye sight wouldn’t even go past the fucking waste line.

I watched you, I walked up to you and I said to without a second guess.

"Hey, what’s the matter?"

You said nothing,

And drop you dropped your books.

You put your arms around me,

Clenching as though you were going to get pulled away.

We skipped the cliché talk

And went straight to the silent but terrible enigma.

I held you in my arms, knowing that you'd never want me to let go.

There’s no use for words, not in this moment, nah.

This moment’s only for affection and release of any sadness.

But almost every time I feel like I’m only postponing the un-avoidable, inescapable struggle.

I feel as though my fucking heart is bleeding, bleeding for you, and trust me I would gladly bleed for you.

I feel your pain, and I say to myself I have to be strong and outsmart the oncoming hell.

I deal with it, and I say to myself, there’s no turning back.

I’ve undertaken this mission,

This mission to see you through, mission to get you outta the blue.

There’s no room for weakness, no room for defeat,

No room for the faint of heart.

I have to stay strong, not just for my sake but for yours too,

I will not fail again, no. This time I will accomplish all that needs to be done.

Take my hand, I will stay and never leave you,

Take my hand, I will make sure you stay outta the blue.

I’m going to take to take to better place,

And I promise to take that miserable look off of your face.

Sometimes I think to myself,

Why the fuck is she the one who has to deal with this hell,

This torment and agony,

This endless suffering and misery?

It’s like a fucking nightmare.

It’s like Satan had chosen her specifically.

It’s like he had rose up him self

And dragged her tortured soul straight down

To the dark depths of hell

And she can’t escape.

No, the only thing she can do is comfort herself,

Chasing lie after lie about her mind, body and self.

Yeah, now her brains starting to go haywire, starting to fry.

Her brain’s damn near lighting up on fire.

And the only way to release

Is to just let them drops of pain slide down sides of her beautiful cheeks

And cry,

Then try,

And hopefully feel some relief.

Take my hand, and I will stay and never leave you.

Take my hand, I will make sure you stay outta the blue.

I will guide you and keep safe from anything that tries to hurt you.

So...

Now I’m here,

Back again, I’ve done all I can,

Though I think I’ve saved you,

I feel as though your slipping away only to dwell once again.

Though I think I’ve released you,

You seem to always get trapped again trapped in a cage of sorrow.

I try and help like there’s no tomorrow... but then...

It’s like you go fading right into the darkness

And if you do

I will search looking for you.

Ah yes, success! I’ve brought you back,

But wait, yet again it all stops.

I’ve lost you and as I search it comes to an end.

And yeah in the end, just like before... you’re gone, your lost.

Like I said, giving up is not a fucking option I’m here now and forever,

Once more I’m here to take the pressure off you

Yeah I’m here to take pain away.

Battles have been won and lost.

And now it’s time to put a fucking end to this cold war.

It’s time to save you. Save you for good.

I wanna take that frown off of your face,

I wanna take you away to a far away place

Where she can roam free, problem free and stress free.

A new beginning, a fresh start,

Fucking put some ease to my frozen heart.

And hopefully you will be happy,

Lively,

Laughing and holding your head up high,

And keeping a smile on your dial

Being joyful and gleeful,

Blissful. At peace.

Now I watch as you walk, as you run and as you fly,

And if you are to fall

I’ll be the one to guide you back from the haunting life of your past sorrowed days.

So listen closely, I don’t want you ever looking to the ground with your head down.

Instead,

Come to me, I’ll hold you close and I won’t take you into a cliché of a talk.

Instead I'll hold you

There ain't no need for you to be alone.

Just let it out.

I’ll be your healing shoulder,

Just put your head down

And let it go.

I will be the one to take you from this place,

And become the cure for any and all mistakes.

I’m going take you from these confined walls of hell.

Take my hand, and I will stay and never leave you,

Take my hand, I will make sure you stay outta the blue.

Take my hand, hurry, and I will make it all better,

Take my hand and we will be rid of this horrid vendetta.

Now, don’t you think for a second that I wouldn’t relieve you,

Relieve you of your pain by taking it all for myself.

I would gladly take it off of your chest,

In fact I will take it all.

Your pain and suffering, your tears of agony,

Your stress and continuous restrains to happiness.

I’m telling you now, your problems are mine.

I’m breaking the prison chains and blowing the door away.

I need you to run. I will stay back and hold the attack,

Run and keep running, I will be with you soon and don’t you dare look back ,

Just let it go and give it all to me, all I want to see

Is to see you smiling without that pain underneath.

I wanna hear you laugh without a voice that screams to be released.

I wanna see you truly happy with no more affliction and grief.

Hey! Look alive and watch, I am holding my arm out for you.

Take my hand and don’t you dare look back, let’s run

Take my hand hold it tight and hold it strong, we're going to catch flight

Take my hand Eleanor; give all your pain to me.

A new world awaits, drained of despair and filled with prosperity.

Now take my hand, and you will be free.

I love this boy more than words can describe. It moved me to tears, and never ceases to. As soon as I find the book, I will show you I Am Her Rain Maker, because I'm sure you will all appreciate the meaning behind that one, too. I guess it shows just how much Eating Disorders effect not just us, but the ones we love, too. I might post later on tonight, but for now, I hope you girlies got something out of this poem, like I did. It's almost as if he really, really understands what's happening.

 

Love, love, love.