Living.

I should be used to this by now, but I don't think it's possible to 'get used' to sporadic changes in mood. Today has been a really odd day. I worked myself up into an anxious state this morning over my Maths exam. I've convinced myself I flunked it, but you know what? I did my best, and that's all I could do. I don't care if I got horrible marks... Well, that's a lie, I do care what I got. But regardless, I tried my hardest, I put all I could into it, and that's all that was possible to do.

The end of the year is just around the corner; I'm finishing high school for good next week. My final few days being a high schooler. Then it's off to Senior College. Sheesh. Time has flown... I think, everything has sort of caught up to me, because the year is ending. I realized that I lost myself this year. I have spent a whole year unhealthy, mentally and physically. That's no way to spend a year. That's no way to spend any time. I feel like I've wasted a whole year of my life... And for what? What good have I gotten out of this? None! None, whatsoever. 

Tomorrow I have my weekly Dietitian/Nutritionist appointment, which has added onto my stress levels. I know I haven't done as good a job this week as I should have and could have. I've been sneaky... And I hate, hate, hate admitting that. But I've cheated and lied, and I know that the only person I'm hurting is myself, I KNOW that. It's driving me crazy that I'm being deceptive, thinking I'm being clever by cheating my parents, when I'm actually cheating myself. I am doubting seriously that I've put weight on this week, which would mean that I have to start eating more. I physically cannot cope with eating more than I'm already eating... You can see my problem, here. I've done this to myself, and now I'm freaking out about it because I know I'll suffer the consequences. I'm the only one in the wrong. ED is trying to convince me that I'm fine, that it's good to cheat and lie and deceive. Fuck, ED. Look where you've gotten me! (Excuse my inappropriate language.) You've manipulated me, and my family, and everyone I love. You've made me dug myself into a hole, and that hole is getting deeper and deeper; the way up is getting further and further away. Those stars in my sky are shrinking... I want to be able to reach them, touch them, hold them. I want to be free.

ED is a sneaky little bastard, and I want to put an end to this insanity. My mind and my body are in two completely different worlds. ED is in both. I can see the rational, logical answers, but this ass-hole has put up a barrier, this glass wall... I can see everything, I just can't get to it.
I'm making an oath. And I am going to stay true to my word. You are my witnesses. 

I am not going to cheat, I am not going to lie; to myself, and to everyone else.
I am going to nourish my body and my mind, always.
I am not going to give up or give in, no matter how hard things become.
I am going to live.

I give myself permission to live. I acknowledge the fact that some days are going to be harder than others, and some days I am not going to want to stay true to my words, some days I am not going to want to nourish my body and my mind. But regardless of how much I struggle, how tempting those ED thoughts are, I am going to do what is right. I can't continue living like this. This isn't living. I'm not living. I am merely existing. That's not enough, not for anyone. We deserve to live, love, laugh, be happy and engaged in life and all that is around us. We deserve to be free of ED and all the hate it brings. We deserve to live.

And to help us, I have brought along a new friend of mine.
Everyone, let me introduce you to our secret weapon.
Her name is Strength, Courage, Bravery, Power, Love, Intelligence,
Beauty.
And she lives inside each and every one of us.

Love, love, love.
♥

P.S. And she kicks ass.