Poison.

Firstly, I want to send a huge virtual hug to all of you wonderful, beautiful, supportive girls for the kind words from yesterday's post. I can not tell you how much those words cheered me up and warmed my heart.
Sometimes it takes a while for things to really sink in and register. I was in such a frenzy yesterday that no common sense was getting through - your support pulled me out of that frenzy and made me see the reality. So thank you, from the bottom of my overwhelmed heart.

Last night was a horrible night. ED took over my mind. I looked in the mirror: all I saw was fat. I tore at my skin, trying to force it down and away, as if pushing it back it would make it disappear. It didn't. ED wasn't happy. ED really wasn't happy. I walked out of the bathroom and broke down into tears. Mum was there, and she caught me up in her arms. We had a long talk, with me curled up next to her on the couch. Her words were full of love, and they made EDs words fade away, until I was Eleanor again. She brought me back. She's not letting me go, and she said so. I said something, that amazed me. "ED has been here for me. But not always. You've always been here for me; you were here before ED, and you'll be here after ED." At first I couldn't believe I'd actually said that. ED roared, I'll tell you that much. But Mum wouldn't let him take over me, not then.
However bad last night was, I am glad it happened. I have learned to appreciate the help I'm getting, instead of fighting it. Although the battle is nowhere near won, I am eventually going to come out on top. I am a person. I was a person before ED and I'll be a person after ED. I was loved before ED, and I'll be loved after ED.

That was an extremely significant realisation. We shouldn't identify ourselves with ED, because we were without them, once. We just become so swamped under by the thoughts and taunts and persuasions and provokings that we lose sight of who we are, and focus entirely on what ED is and what it wants. It's never about our needs, only EDs. And that has to change.

We all deserve love, we all deserve a life, we all deserve our own headspace, and not have it invaded by this evil. Mum said something else that stuck with me.
ED is a big black stain on your shoulder, taking over your heart and your soul and engulfing it in darkness.
 Now, unless someone can find a really darn big bottle of stain remover, we're going to have to use our own elbow grease to get this stain off. We have the love, help and support needed to remove it, we just have to take it.

We all have the power to let our true selves shine through the dark stains of ED.

♥

I'm sorry for my rambling and being all over the place with this post. I don't know exactly what I want to say. But I just want you all to know that you are all strong enough to overcome all hardships put in front of you. Every day is a challenge, and every day you make it through, waking up in the morning even stronger than the day before. We can all shine, if we give ourselves the chance.

♥♥♥