Today was a full on day. The first full day of school I've been to in a long time. I'm exhausted, headachey, and the hot weather doesn't help much, either! ED was at me, all day. And all last night, too. I let it convince me into ditching some food, because I "had the chance". I know it isn't doing me any good! I know that! But I listened to that monotonous voice, I gave in.
I am disappointed. But I refuse to beat myself up over it because I know that's what ED wants. It wants me to give up, because there's no point, you're a failure. Shut up, ED. Only I am allowed to call me a failure, and I don't believe I am!
I am disappointed. But I refuse to beat myself up over it because I know that's what ED wants. It wants me to give up, because there's no point, you're a failure. Shut up, ED. Only I am allowed to call me a failure, and I don't believe I am!
This week is going to be hectic. We have a school performance coming up, this Friday night. Which means Thursday and Friday day will be spent rehearsing at the Arts Center. Which also means I have ample chance to miss out on meals. I can't lose weight, I don't want to lose weight. Not this week. The last time I lost weight, I had all my food preparation control taken away from me. I know that was for the best, but I really can't keep this up, being treated like a little child.
It's not just about loss of control, it's about my independence. But right now, obviously, I'm not doing too well in looking after myself.
It's not just about loss of control, it's about my independence. But right now, obviously, I'm not doing too well in looking after myself.
I'm just not looking forward to the busy-busy-busy that happens with school productions. I break, under stress. Being on stage, in front of an audience of people that are there to judge, whether they're conscious of it or not... Singing a song I don't feel confident singing, with a band I haven't rehearsed with in a long time. Oh, God.
I just had my monster yogurt mess. Nuts, dried fruit, and lots and lots of cinnamon and allspice. My stomach is still trying to adjust to the reintroduction of yogurt again. It's still a little unsure how to take it all... I don't want to feel sick, I hate this feeling! I just want to enjoy my food, feel satisfied. Not need to eat, but want to eat.
Oh, woe is me.
Oh, woe is me.
Enough moaning and woe-ing for one night.
P.S. I think starting this was the best thing I could have done. The support and care all you lovely girls show each other is so encouraging. It's overwhelming and inspiring, and I hope to give as much of that as possible.
Thank you. x
Thank you. x
5 comments:
its hard to admit you want to eat sometime isn't it? it took me a long time to admit i liked anything i ate but one step at a time i could admit i liked different things starting small like fruit but making it up to pumpkin risotto.
you can do it, your a strong girl
It's hot here, too!! I feel ill when it's hot like this.
Keep positive, I'm sending you lots of hugs :)
<3
Amy
I'm so glad your enjoying the blog world, because I'm loving reading your blog! Love it!
Try not to throw anymore food out!
xx
keep standing up to ed and tell it who is boss ;) your wonderful,and i love reading your wors, you write so well and i can relate to so much! and even if you had a bad day when ed is screaming at you, you are still soo strong! you seem so determined and i believe in you beautiful!
xx
maya
p.s. so glad that blogging i helping! its great isnt it?! :) i dont know where i'd be today if i didnt start my blog, sounds so weird, but its true, i think ot helped me the most in this.
One thing my psychologist said to me that always rang loudly in my head during meal times is that 'Meal time are non-negotiable'. It's tough hun but there should be no negotiation with ED.
You're going to perform, you're going to do great because you, Eleanor, are wonderful, beautiful and strong!! =)
xx
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