Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a ballerina. Yeah, yeah, I know - lots of little girls dreamed of one day becoming a Swan Princess or a Beauty of the Ball. But I guess by parents thought it was a phase. Sure enough, they were right. But I've never let go of the dream...
Pretty unrealistic dream though because I'm clumpy and a klutz with no sense of balance. I'm barely able to stand in the one position without toppling over. This was all spurred because of our ballroom dancing lesson today at school, in preparation for the ball. Of course, we were all over each others feet, running around our partners in an attempt to waltz... Hardly Prima Ballerinas! I failed miserably, along with most of our class. And ED had to put in his two cents, as usual. "You're not good enough to be a dancer, you're too fat, you're ugly and useless and worthless..." blah blah blah. The usual.
I've been having incredibly bad body image issues lately. Every time I eat I feel... Guilty? It's a terrible feeling. Why should I feel guilty for nourishing myself? I shouldn't! But that's ED for you. Always at me, always there. Last night I nearly broke down, grabbing at my legs, comparing myself to now from when I was at my skinniest. I feel disgusted in myself for doing so. What's skinny going to do for me? What will being skinny prove to myself and everyone else? Does starving myself mean I'm "in control"? It doesn't make sense. I've always been a very self conscious girl, but now, with ED, it's intensified and become a huge issue. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I see things no one else sees. The mirror lies, my eyes lie, my mind lies. All these lies, all these distortions of the truth. Why am I blind? Why am I seeing something that's not there, that no one else sees?
Pretty unrealistic dream though because I'm clumpy and a klutz with no sense of balance. I'm barely able to stand in the one position without toppling over. This was all spurred because of our ballroom dancing lesson today at school, in preparation for the ball. Of course, we were all over each others feet, running around our partners in an attempt to waltz... Hardly Prima Ballerinas! I failed miserably, along with most of our class. And ED had to put in his two cents, as usual. "You're not good enough to be a dancer, you're too fat, you're ugly and useless and worthless..." blah blah blah. The usual.
I've been having incredibly bad body image issues lately. Every time I eat I feel... Guilty? It's a terrible feeling. Why should I feel guilty for nourishing myself? I shouldn't! But that's ED for you. Always at me, always there. Last night I nearly broke down, grabbing at my legs, comparing myself to now from when I was at my skinniest. I feel disgusted in myself for doing so. What's skinny going to do for me? What will being skinny prove to myself and everyone else? Does starving myself mean I'm "in control"? It doesn't make sense. I've always been a very self conscious girl, but now, with ED, it's intensified and become a huge issue. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I see things no one else sees. The mirror lies, my eyes lie, my mind lies. All these lies, all these distortions of the truth. Why am I blind? Why am I seeing something that's not there, that no one else sees?
It's bothered me for a long while now. And although I try to talk myself out of it, it's always there. ED, cackling away, calling me names. Why do I hold onto something that's only hurting me? It's like the destructive best friend, the bad influence your parents always warned you about.
I want to accept myself for who I am and really appreciate the body I have. I've taken up yoga, to try and get... Well, comfortable with my body; become one with myself instead of the two conflicting minds I've developed. One of my mind's is enough, thank you! I don't need another one all up in my face, telling me things I don't want to hear and making me believe things I know within myself are not true.
Oh, the troubles one gets oneself into!
Oh, the troubles one gets oneself into!
I'm trying to push myself into believing that healthy = beautiful! Not skinny = beautiful. I'm not naturally a 'skinny' person, and I need to learn to accept myself. I know I just said that but damnit it needs to be said again! I will convince myself that recovery is the path I need to take. Recovery is the only path.
I may never be a ballerina, I may never be a singer or a model, I may never be a Princess, but I am me. And that is all I could ever ask for.
"Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror."
"I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us. Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he? "
"I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us. Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he? "
4 comments:
ed is horrible for convincing you that you can only be strong and beautiful if you are starving yourself when its quite the opposite. ed made me think that the only way i could ever be anyone was starving myself he told me it was the only thing i was good at, but he lies. you are more and more beautiful each day you fight ed off.
You are so right, we shouldn't feel guilty for nourishing ourselves...we all deserve the best and to be healthy, and healthy is beautiful, as much as ED lies and tells us its the opposite!
ED makes us so distorted, you lovie are not seeing the real you, and its so sad :( you dont deserve to have this stupid ED telling you all these horrible lies. you are beautiful and a princess in my eyes :)
love the movie a little princess, its my favorite movie ever :) and that quote loved reading it!
great post girly.
lots of love
xx
Eliza
Ed is a liar! i too, find myself comparing to my thinnest and ED tells me i was 'better' then...BUT why!? its so confusing we are being blinded of the truth, and its so confusing, one minute being told you must gain so much weight and doctors and parents telling you what they see. and then ed tells u the opposite, BUT i can tell u lovie, ED IS A BIG MEAN LIAR! ;) i am telling him to leave you alone! :/ love you girly! keep going, stay strong, you dont deserve this!
love that quote, that is my favorite! every girl is a princess!! we must imagine, believe and if we didn't believe in magic it wouldn't be real! so keep believing lovie and it will all be okay, okay? :)
xo
maya
I love the way you write dearie, you are so amazing at explaining yourself and I can see myself in every one of your words.
Try to remember that ED doesn't honestly give a rats bum what size you actually are. No matter what, he will be trying to bring you down.
What if you were 10 lbs lighter? He would still be tormenting you just as much as if you were 10 lbs bigger. Its not about the weight, and you are an amazingly wonderful person who deserves much more than the insults that you are constantly a victim of. We all are.
xo
Tat
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