Yesterday was a good day. I saw my Dietitian/Nutritionist with Mum, and that usually goes horribly, but yesterday's session was quick and easy. She even said "And I didn't need to get out my new box of tissues! This is an improvement!" and we made a bit of a joke of that... Usually I end up crying, and last time Mum was the crier. Not many fond memories of that place.
To celebrate me doing well this week, Mum took me to the movies to see A Christmas Carol. I love Jim Carrey, and that movie was terrific... Literally. Not suitable for the little kiddies that went along! Even Mum and I jumped! (I'm not scared.. Really...!) We looked radical in our 3D glasses. But the movie was great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
To celebrate me doing well this week, Mum took me to the movies to see A Christmas Carol. I love Jim Carrey, and that movie was terrific... Literally. Not suitable for the little kiddies that went along! Even Mum and I jumped! (I'm not scared.. Really...!) We looked radical in our 3D glasses. But the movie was great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I wish I could say today has been good... But it hasn't. When the weather gets hot, Dad gets... Less like a Dad and more like a monster? He's rotten to be around, and I get stressed out so easily with him. Thumping around all the time, yelling at my little brother for the smallest things, getting in everyone's way and blaming everyone else for everything... And he's the one that gets all my food. So you can imagine I'm feeling pretty hostile towards him when he's acting like an ogre and not how a Dad should.
He's renovating our kitchen at the moment, and that means he's there at the most awkward times, which means my meals are usually always late, and as a lot of you would understand, being off-schedule meal-wise, can be a huge, huge stress-er. And it was so, today. At breakfast and morning tea.
He's renovating our kitchen at the moment, and that means he's there at the most awkward times, which means my meals are usually always late, and as a lot of you would understand, being off-schedule meal-wise, can be a huge, huge stress-er. And it was so, today. At breakfast and morning tea.
I feel so out of control around food... I mean, I know I'm not allowed to get any of my food, but I have certain ways of doing things... Like cooking my oats in the morning, or making my coffee/Sustagen, and he always screws up.
Ugh, what a bitch-fest!
Onto some better news. I got some yummy tea today! Vanilla Green Tea. And oooooh momma, is it good! I'm sipping on it as we speak/as I write. I'm a tea fiend. Right now I'm also kickin' Liquorice Tea which is also equally delicious. I would happily bathe in tea.
At the moment I've got a lot of expectations on me - I'm expected to finish two English assignments/essays this week, and Mum is holding the Year 10 Ball over me. She came up to me just before saying "I expect you to have your two English assignments done and completed by the end of the week, or I wont hesitate to cancel your hair and make up and nail appointments." I feel... Well, I know I need to do them otherwise I'll fail English, which would be the most shameful thing to have happen. I love English, it's my passion, but this year I haven't coped well... I've been in such a hole all year. I'm flying through Maths and Science and all my other subjects but English has been my downfall. I know I need to get this homework done but my head wont.. Allow me.
ED's not been helpful. You're going to fail anyway, there's no point. You're worthless, you're stupid, you wont be able to do any of it. Why bother? I want to push him out a window, I really do. I know I can do it, I just need to push myself to do it. But having the expectations hanging over me, it's making me stress with no real cause. It's there because it wants to be there - I think ED is trying to latch on to whatever he can, to ensure I don't do as well as I know Eleanor can. Because Eleanor can do well, because she has done well, exceptionally well, in previous years and other subjects. This is no different. ED can go and take a flying jump off a tall building, or I'll push him off.
I am so sick of his shit.
ED's not been helpful. You're going to fail anyway, there's no point. You're worthless, you're stupid, you wont be able to do any of it. Why bother? I want to push him out a window, I really do. I know I can do it, I just need to push myself to do it. But having the expectations hanging over me, it's making me stress with no real cause. It's there because it wants to be there - I think ED is trying to latch on to whatever he can, to ensure I don't do as well as I know Eleanor can. Because Eleanor can do well, because she has done well, exceptionally well, in previous years and other subjects. This is no different. ED can go and take a flying jump off a tall building, or I'll push him off.
I am so sick of his shit.
Now, I am going to go and read my magazine and indulge in another Green Tea. Because I can, because I want to, because I'm allowed to, and ED wont have any part of it.
So there!
Love, love, love.
“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.”
6 comments:
i always cry in therapy appointment never so much with my dietitian
the one from the hospital made me cry but then again she was the one that was always upping my meal plan is hospital so she was not my favorite person, or should i say ed's favorite person.
Maybe i may just see you at amy's concert...well i hope i do anyway.
have a lovely day
I'm not a crying kind of person, I get angry and I get brutal. Mostly with the dietician, the therapist isn't trying to feed me, I'll just be the BIGGEST bitch, my therapist finds it hilarious that I turn into such a monster.
Vanilla Green Tea - perhaps heaven in a CUP I loooooove it! LOVE LOVE loooove it!
^ you girls might go to amy's concert and see each other, so jealous!!! You should all come to adelaide :D
xx
Its great to hear that your appointment went well, and Im so glad you are on good terms with your mama; thats definately important!
As for your father... I don't know, maybe its a guy thing but I find my stepdad the same way. Sometimes it feels like he just has no idea how to handle my situation. I try not to blame him for it though. Hopefully it will get easier :)
xo
Tat
At my doctor's/nutritionist's/therapist's appointments, my mom winds up crying more than I do, which always makes me feel awkward.
As for your whole grumpy dad issue, perhaps you can work it out with him so you don't get stressed out when you need the kitchen?
I'm sure things will improve with your English class; you have good intentions and you just need to keep pushing E.D. off your back. E.D. is only telling you lies to bring you down, but you are worth so much more than that. Keep working at it!
-- Delilah
I feel you, girl. I sometimes end up wanting to cry at therapy or at dietitian appointments. Sometimes it is hard to listen to what they have to say. I am so glad it went well for you yesterday!
A Christmas Carol was freaky and disturbing! I thought the animations were incredible and the movie was wonderful, but whoah at the way The Ghost of Christmas Present died... that was freaky! Along with Scrooge’s business partner’s ghost... Eek!
ED is such a liar... don’t fall for what he says, Eleanor. You know you are better and are capable of doing everything you want to do!
Keep fighting,
and good luck with your homework.. are you in Year 10 and at home right now?
I had to finish my year 10 at home... it is tough stuff :/
<3Karina
Yes you CAN do it!! Listening to ED is not going to make your assignments fade into oblivious, nor is it going to help you pass. Nourish yourself and that will keep you going. *hugs* You're doing great hun! Remember, listen to Eleanor and yes, go have that tea because that's what you want!! =)
xx
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