ED had a major freak out today. Well, actually, ED had two freak outs today. I didn't cry tell anyone, because I knew my family just wouldn't listen.
Freak Out #1: I went shopping with Mum today, which is the usual Sunday thing. I was just looking around, like normal, when my eyes came across a sight ED wouldn't let me look away from. This sight, I'll warn, might be triggering to some, and I really do apologise to you ALL, but I need to get this off my chest. I saw a girl standing next to her cart; she had beautiful high heeled shoes on, but I questioned why she was wearing them around a town such as ours. Then my eyes moved up, and I saw her as a whole. She was... Very slim. Very slim. I wanted to drag my eyes away from her, but I couldn't. Her cheeks were hollow, her legs were barely there, her arms and her torso were drowning in her leather jacket. I... Didn't know what to think. Didn't know how to react. I saw this girl, and my heart ached. But then ED jumped in. The taunts... They were horrible. "You were never that skinny. You're a failure. You're so fat and disgusting. You should be disgusted in yourself. You're a bad anorexic for never being so skinny." I was shaken. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I was questioning myself: Hang on, bad anorexic? What the hell? What is a bad anorexic? It didn't make sense! It doesn't make sense! No matter how I look at it. Am I a failure because I never looked so.. Lifeless?
But then I thought again: I don't even know what I look like, or what I did look like when I was at my sickest. How do I know that I never looked like that girl? I don't. That's the thing. I Don't know what I looked like, or what I look like.
Freak Out #2: Afternoon snack came around, and I had what I normally have. Yogurt, fruit and nuts. But today.. I tried to sneak my nuts away, and I succeeded. ED was so pleased that I did so. But after I finished the rest of my snack, I... Took those nuts back and ate them. Then ED flipped. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You shouldn't have done that! You're going to get so fat! Get UP! Get UP! GO AND BURN THAT OFF. Oh, my God. I was in Hell. I went outside, and I listened to what ED said. I didn't let myself sit down, not once. Not once until dinner time.
I'm drowning in all these conflicting thoughts.
I don't know what's up with this. One day I feel like the sun is shining right out of my heart, and the next day it's like I'm living in a pitch black hole. I can't keep up. I don't know what to think, what to do, how to react. I can't tell my parents, they just don't understand. I needed someone, I needed an outlet, so I came here.
I hope I haven't hurt anyone by what I've said, but I would have gone crazy if I hadn't written this out.
I love you all so much; every single one of your comments brightens my day. This morning when I woke up and read your comments, I smiled so much that my eyes watered. I cannot thank you enough for the support and kindness I've been shown.
I'm really sorry this post is such a downer. I'll try and be more uplifting tomorrow, I promise. Afterall, tomorrow is a new day.
Love, love, love.
Freak Out #1: I went shopping with Mum today, which is the usual Sunday thing. I was just looking around, like normal, when my eyes came across a sight ED wouldn't let me look away from. This sight, I'll warn, might be triggering to some, and I really do apologise to you ALL, but I need to get this off my chest. I saw a girl standing next to her cart; she had beautiful high heeled shoes on, but I questioned why she was wearing them around a town such as ours. Then my eyes moved up, and I saw her as a whole. She was... Very slim. Very slim. I wanted to drag my eyes away from her, but I couldn't. Her cheeks were hollow, her legs were barely there, her arms and her torso were drowning in her leather jacket. I... Didn't know what to think. Didn't know how to react. I saw this girl, and my heart ached. But then ED jumped in. The taunts... They were horrible. "You were never that skinny. You're a failure. You're so fat and disgusting. You should be disgusted in yourself. You're a bad anorexic for never being so skinny." I was shaken. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I was questioning myself: Hang on, bad anorexic? What the hell? What is a bad anorexic? It didn't make sense! It doesn't make sense! No matter how I look at it. Am I a failure because I never looked so.. Lifeless?
But then I thought again: I don't even know what I look like, or what I did look like when I was at my sickest. How do I know that I never looked like that girl? I don't. That's the thing. I Don't know what I looked like, or what I look like.
Freak Out #2: Afternoon snack came around, and I had what I normally have. Yogurt, fruit and nuts. But today.. I tried to sneak my nuts away, and I succeeded. ED was so pleased that I did so. But after I finished the rest of my snack, I... Took those nuts back and ate them. Then ED flipped. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You shouldn't have done that! You're going to get so fat! Get UP! Get UP! GO AND BURN THAT OFF. Oh, my God. I was in Hell. I went outside, and I listened to what ED said. I didn't let myself sit down, not once. Not once until dinner time.
I'm drowning in all these conflicting thoughts.
I don't know what's up with this. One day I feel like the sun is shining right out of my heart, and the next day it's like I'm living in a pitch black hole. I can't keep up. I don't know what to think, what to do, how to react. I can't tell my parents, they just don't understand. I needed someone, I needed an outlet, so I came here.
I hope I haven't hurt anyone by what I've said, but I would have gone crazy if I hadn't written this out.
I love you all so much; every single one of your comments brightens my day. This morning when I woke up and read your comments, I smiled so much that my eyes watered. I cannot thank you enough for the support and kindness I've been shown.
I'm really sorry this post is such a downer. I'll try and be more uplifting tomorrow, I promise. Afterall, tomorrow is a new day.
Love, love, love.
8 comments:
Girly, although it may seem that she was anorexic, but not only does anorexia make us think we're fatter, we also think other girls are thinner.
Believe me, I used to think everybody was thinner than me, and sometimes I still do. Our view is very distorted, of ourselves and other people.
You did something ED said not to, so of course it'll freak out, it'll go wild and make you feel guilty, because it feels like it's loosing power over you - and that m'dear, is a good thing!
love you
xxxx
hey! aww dont worry about the freakouts- it happens to everyone. it makes me so happy that you showed ED that you are the stronger one though! and if that girl was as you described her- thats not beauty, thats pain! its no fun! you did such a good job though getting over those freakouts and being the amazing person you are[:
xoxxx
sophie
I understand how you feel, i feel like i can not tell my family when something happens because they will look down on me but as long as you can work it out and not let all the emotions bottle up in your head, i figure i don't need to tell them everything i feel, they can not understand and i don't need them to understand the majority of the time, only some people can understand ed twisted ways and the rest can just provide love which i am sure your family does to a lovely girl like you.
I remember when i used to hide food, i hated myself for it but loved it so much at the same time because i had control, it was hard to stop and it took alot to make me but i realized they would just keep upping my meal plan anyway so why hide food? if i stopped gaining they would just up it therefore what was i thinking about hiding food sure it would stop the gain for awhile but in the end i needed to gain weight and health and to get control back i had to be trustworthy by not hiding and lying to everyone i loved
I love you
I can totally relate. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am committing to recovery too early, that I am not quite sick enough yet to turn my life around. I realize how absolutely aweful these thoughts are, but just like all of ED rantings, they don't ever make sense.
Keep your chin up, and try not to let others affect you. I know it may be triggering to see people in similar situations, but you need to remember that this is your life and you deserve ultimate happiness because you are such an amazing person who will grow up to do amazing things.
You can conquer the world if you focus!
xo
Tat
i have had so many experiences like this where i am triggered by seeing another sick girl. but think of it this way... where is the achievment in being a GOOD anorexic? a good anorexic ends up dead in the ground. is that really something to aspire for? non, i think not my lovie. you are far to amazing for that. so in that case, being a bad anorexic is something to be proud of!
and im so proud of you for doing the right thing and forcing yourself to eat those nuts. when you start skimping, even just a little bit, ED runs a mile with it and it can get so out of control. so well done my love :)
hope you have a better day today <3
hannah xo
I've shared similar experiences; at my lowest, I was only about ten pounds underweight and therefore "not skinny enough" to be diagnosed as clinically anorexic, but to be "not skinny enough" were the words of my ED. You are not a failure, because if you were, you would not be trying to get better. You are a winner because you're trying your best to improve your health and be normal. You are becoming a better person without anorexia.
Like you said, tomorrow is a new day. You take the bad and correct it: perhaps tomorrow you'll eat those nuts without ED telling you what to do, and if you ever see anything triggering again, maybe you'll even let it not get to you. Just keep your head high and think positive thoughts for the future: think about you. In time, ED will no longer be an issue.
There is always the guilt trip ED plays on us - the whole "bad anorexic" thing happens to me too. But I've realized, being a "good anorexic" only means being "good" at a mental disease. And when I put it that way in my mind, it sounds horrible - not that it didn't already sound bad. The point to my rambling is - why do we put ourselves through this? Who are we competing with? Ourselves? The skinny girl next to us? ED?
This whole concept provokes a lot of thought for me - but try thinking of it the way I do. Seeing another skinny girl is hard and triggering, but remember that you were born unique and amazing as is. You have NOTHING to prove to anyone, especially ED.
Please stay strong - the more you fight, the farther and farther away you will be from ED!
xoxo
Hun, I have to comment you on your snack! Honestly, you were so strong in overcoming the ED thoughts and finishing the nuts as you were supposed to. So well done! It may have made you feel like a failure but let me assure you, it is a step forward in your emergence and winner over ED!
As for the girl... well, I went out last week and saw 3 different girls all looking emaciated and while ED felt a little green-eyed, I realise that they all looked the same - skeletal and to be honest, none too pretty. The hollowness in their eyes, the lifelessness, the sadness.
Babe, you ARE so much MUCH more than that!! I promise you! And although you were affected, you were a trooper and you fought on!! So well done!!
And on a positive note: Tomorrow's going to be better day!! x)
xx
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