Smile Like You Mean It.

I shouldn't be here right now. I should be doing homework. But my brain isn't working. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm even supposed to be doing... Words aren't stringing themselves together like they used to, which is why I began failing English in the first place. Mum bargained with me, if I get my English assignments completed and handed in on Friday (tomorrow), she'll buy me something that I want... Which is cinnamon flavored coffee beans, if you're interested, haha.
But somehow, I don't think I'll be getting those coffee beans. Or even going to the Year 10 Ball, at this rate. I feel like a failure, I feel like I should be able to do this assignment, but I can't. I can't do it. I don't know why! I'm usually good at this sort of thing. I usually excel in English. I... Am so disappointed in myself. I really hate this feeling but I do feel like a failure.

I've chosen my subjects and handed in my subject list for Year 11, but last night I had a real freakout about going to Senior College. (I don't know what Americans call it.. Senior High/High School?) I don't feel like I'm ready to enter a new stage of my life yet. I'm scared of change, in every aspect. Scared of changing schools, changing surroundings, changing friends, bodily changes and mental changes... Life changed. Everything. I've scared myself out of wanting to grow up and be independent. I do want to be independent, and live my own life, but I don't know what my life is at the moment. I have no idea what I want to do, who I want to be... I don't know who I am to know who I want to be. Mum said there's no avoiding it, which is true. I have to give myself the best possible chance, which means I need to be as healthy as possible to get through and survive next year. I do, so much, want to go to Senior College, I want to study the things I'm interested in and learn about things I never knew existed... But the new lifestyle is just so daunting a thought. If I don't do this, if I don't get through next year, and Year 12, there's no chance I'll survive in the 'real world', like University or living by myself or having a job. I'll never experience the things in life that I always wanted to, and still do want to, experience.
Fighting against it, isn't going to get me anywhere except deeper into the hole I've dug myself into. I need to dig myself out of the hole, not bury myself deeper. The further I go downward, the longer way there is back to the top. Which means the harder it will be to get to the top. I want to succeed, I want to be proud of the life I've made for myself... But right now, I have nothing to be proud of. Which really puts a damper on my future. 

The reality shock is what I need - if I continue to go along the path I'm on now, I'll end up a miserable person. There will be nothing in my life that I love, nothing I can appreciate, nothing I can look forward to or smile about. That isn't the life I want to live. Right now I'm not living. I may not be emaciated, but my BMI is only just on 15. I'm not a 'woman', I'm not the bright spark I used to be, I'm not hyperactive, happy, laughing all the time and enjoying myself. Being underweight, being unhealthy, not having a properly functioning body, in any way, is not how anyone should be. This is not how I ever envisioned myself being.

I know what I want for Christmas.
Happiness, acceptance, love, hope and peace of mind.