Acceptance.

I have to say, I'm quite relieved to hear I'm not the only one who can't sleep at night without a teddy bear sleeping by my side! Who needs ED when we can snuggle up to a nice, warm, cute, cuddly teddy bear?
Teddies make no judgements; they don't care what you look like, how much you weight, what you eat, what you wear; they will catch your tears when you're sad and snuggle up when you're in need of a hug; they will comfort you when you need comforting; you can take them anywhere, and they're there whenever you need them; they will listen to you when you talk, and hear you out; and best of all, you can "make" them love you!
Oh, inanimate objects are such wonderful things. Teddies offer so much more than what an ED ever promises.

I've been having trouble recently, coming to terms with and accepting my body's changes. I know they're coming, I know it's inevitable, but regardless of the endless efforts to convince myself that it's okay and that I need it, I can't accept them. I am constantly beating myself up over how I look - and for what? What do I get out of abusing myself? I get angry, I get miserable, I cry and I hurt and I hate. I don't want these feelings and thoughts. I don't want to put my mind and my body through these things - all the effort that goes into berating and belittling mysef could be used for good. Why waste so much effort on putting myself down when I could be using that effort to better and nourish myself? It's continuing to stump me. I'm left confused, puzzled, and upset.
I'm putting so much pressure on myself to want to get better than I'm scaring myself out of wanting to get better. Fuel for the disorder, draining for me, my mind and my body.

Working myself up into emotional sweats about how I appear physically is doing nothing for my already depleted supply of self-esteem and self-confidence. I'm not viewing my body as it truly is: a vessle. I've mentioned this before, but I think it'll do me good to revisit this.
Our bodies are beautiful things.  How we look is just the outer layer, the external. What it does is truly what is beautiful. We breathe, we blink, we move, we talk, we hug, we hold, we kiss, we touch, we taste, we feel, we hear, we see, we do, we live. Our bodies take us from place to place, and allow us do to the things, experience the things and be part of the things that we love. Why do we neglect them, the beautiful things they are, when they give us so much? When they give us everything?
Why can't we accept our bodies for the beautiful things they are, and love them for the things they do?
Every day I try to appreciate my body for what it is, but the negative connotations towards "recovery" and "weight gain" swim around in my head and stop me from loving it. Acceptance is so important, but I feel like there's no point in accepting my body for how it looks now when I know that I've still got a way to go. That's not how I should be looking at this, though. I need to accept me for who I am; body, mind, heart and soul. The only way to beat the body image issues is to rationalize them, and to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful, just the way I am.

I can't change the way I was born. I'm me, and that's all I'm ever going to be. I'm Eleanor. And Eleanor deserves to have a healthy and happy life, free from the thoughts that keep her locked away and out of sight. Every day is a day worth fighting for, and every day is a chance to strip a little more of that darkness away to reveal what lies beneath: me.
I might not be familiar with or know who I am at the moment, but I know that I'm so much more than this Eating Disorder.
I've lost enough because of this already, and I don't want to lose any more. I want my life back, and I'll fight for it.

There is so much more I want to say, but these things are beyond words. Maybe I'll never fully understand the thoughts in my head, but maybe I don't have to. Maybe my questions don't have answers, or maybe I already have the answers. Some things I'll never know; but the one thing I'm certain of is that this is not my life. My life holds so much more meaning than what this Eating Disorder will ever have me believe. My life is worth living, and an Eating Disordered life is not worth my time, attention and effort.

 "We must accept life for what it actually is -- a challenge to our quality without which we should never know of what stuff we are made, or grow to our full stature."

"Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously.
Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life.
You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously.
You will find peace not in denial, but in victory."

a little inspiration.


love, love, love.