Crunch Time.

I kinda wanted crunchy cereal drenched in soy milk for dinner. It's the first time in a while I've had a craving for something, but unfortunately I didn't - couldn't - follow through with it. So now I'm stuck with a bowl of mush I don't really want and am not really enjoying, but eating nonetheless. Who said this was fun?

{source}

Stress levels are at an all time high at the moment. My mind is everywhere and nowhere, and ED is happily filling in the gaps. It's been a crazy couple of days, and things are going to get so much crazier. I can feel it. You know when you have one of those gut feelings? It's one of them.

{source}

Day One of the rest of my life starts on Monday: school. The first day of school for 2010 could seriously be my last day of school for the rest of my life. That's just how bad I'm panicking about it. Year 11 and Year 12 are two of the most important years of schooling - they're the two years that will set me on my path to wherever I want to go in the future. The thing is, I don't know where I want to go. I don't know where I want this path to take me. I don't even know who I really am. Shouldn't I be starting there? I have interests, but I have so many interests that trying to figure out a career choice is impossible.
There is so much responsibility entering my life now, because of school, and because I'm nearing adulthood - I'm not even trusted to be responsible for my food, how am I going to fare with the responsibilities of school, and of adulthood? After being babied for so long and being ignorant of these responsibilities, having them just dumped on me has left me in a state of bewilderment and shock. I'm dazed, dumbfounded and completely and utterly lost.

{source}

Being pushed out of my comfort zone, having my safety blanket being torn away from me and having my box cave in on me is upping that feeling of being lost, too. Everything that could happen, is happening, all at once. I'm being thrown in the deep end without a life jacket; nothing is there to keep me afloat except for my constant water-treading. And honestly, I'm not the strongest of swimmers, so I'm going to tire pretty quickly.
Having the responsibility of eating my lunch and morning snack is giving me nightmares. EDdie's little, "innocent" voice gently whispering in my ear that no one's going to know, Ellie... You can get away with this... Hey, since when do you get to call me Ellie!? And since when did I ask for your input, ED? This baby-talk, this gentleness... It's weakening me, and the hard-ass Eleanor is trying to reason with the push-over Eleanor.

...My mind is everywhere and nowhere, like I said.

In other news, Eleanor went and got a haircut today! Just on a whim. I walked out of there with a crazy smile on my face - the girl that hacked away at my strands was awesome, but... I didn't have just one person paying me their attention, I had five. Yes, five people were surrounding me while I was having my hair cut. A boy was next to us, cutting an older woman's hair, and he noticed my piercings [I have... A few ;) ] so he came over and we had a conversation about that. Then he went and got another girl who loved piercings too, and she started talking to me. Then a girl I knew came over, and the group became five (including me). Before you know it, another had come over and they were all fussing over my hair. It was the single most hilarious thing that's happened to me all holidays (all eight weeks of them), and I found myself enjoying the social encounters. Usually I'm extremely shy, and even moreso now thanks to the 'dark cloud' hovering over me, but I really did step out into the sunlight today. I was Eleanor again. I felt like Eleanor would have felt, and it was amazing.

{source}

I found this quote thatI wanted to share with you all. I wrote it in my diary, because it was just so relevant at the time, and is so relevant now.

"For I dipped into the future,
far as the human eye could see,
Saw the vision of the world,
and all the wonder that would be."

love, love, love.