The Sun Will Always Rise.

I'm in no way an artist, but I wanted to share this with you.

For the two past mornings, I have woken up earlier than usual. Doing what I always do, I make my way to the living room and do my morning yoga, in the dark. I finished my yoga and noticed that the sun still wasn't up yet, so I got myself a green tea and stood at the window. I didn't wake up early with the intention of watching the sun rise, but the opportunity was there, and I hadn't watched sat through a sunrise in a long time. I made my way outside and stood on top of the old dog kennel, and slowly, the sun appeared. A Cheshire Cat moon grinned down at me, as I watched the day behin. The rising sun painted the sky beautiful colours; colours that bring the world to life. Gray clouds blushed: pinks, corals, oranges, purples. Dark skies lightened, becoming a brilliant blue. The sun greeted the earth beneath it, introducing all living things to the new day it brought along. And there I stood, watching it all happen around me.

Today, although starting out beautifully, has been a battle to get through. My heart isn't in anything I do, my mind isn't focused, my soul is feeling devoid of all happiness, my body is lethargic, heavy. These four separate components are just that, separate. They should be working together, but instead they are trying to work independantly, and it's left me in a mess. Each is being plagued by ED - my heart, my mind, my soul and my body. Each suffering... Each part is suffering individually - they're working against each other, and it's making me hurt all the more. I was expecting ED to come creeping back in, but I wasn't expecting it to be this intense. I'm feeling lost, if lost is something you can feel. Confusion, uncertainty. Anxiety and worry. I'm edgy, I'm paranoid. Nothing I do is right, and everything my parents do is wrong, too.

My parents are a whole other kettle of fish, too. I think I have almost given up trying to talk to them, about anything. Trying to explain anything to them is like trying to explain what a picture looks like to a blind man: impossible. Whenever I muster up the courage to talk to either Mum or Dad, they never let me talk. Always cutting in, always voicing their opinions. I just want someone to listen. I want to be heard. I'm sick of listening to ED, I'm sick of not having my say in the things I do. I need to be heard.
What I try to say to them, almost seems unimportant - what they have to say is more important, more worth hearing. I don't want to feel this way, but there is almost no point in trying to tell them because they wont listen.

I haven't wanted to be negative, and I hope that I'm not becoming a drag, but honestly, right now this blog is the only thing preserving what little sanity I have. I'm trying to find Eleanor, but at the moment Eleanor doesn't want to be found - or ED doesn't want Eleanor to be found.

Though today has been a day I never want to repeat, it did start out beautifully. I watched a new day dawn. I watched the world wake up. I watched the sun colour in the shadows of night, I saw the lamp-posts dull then shut off, and although I was getting eaten alive by mosquitos (I'm probably going to catch some God-awful infection now), I was able to feel peaceful. I saw something get created. I watched the world around me, the world I live in, become. And that gives me hope. I will cling to any scrap of hope I can get my hands on. And this is hope.
The sun rises, every single day. It always has, and it always will. It stops for nothing, it stops for no one - including me. The rising of the sun signifies a new day and a fresh start, but it's up to me to take the opportunity to start afresh. I can choose to make the most out of my day, or I can choose to blanket myself in heavy darkness. Regardless of what I choose to do, the sun will keep rising in the morning. That tells me that life will always be there, and I will always have the chance to enter into it again.

Put the past in the past, where it belongs. Don't look too far ahead, because you'll get lost in the distance. Just put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward. The future will keep coming, and the past will trail behind - where we are now is where we should be, and what we donow is what matters most.

love, love, love.