Sigh-Of-Relief Saturday.

All together now... And *sigh*.

I did the usual Eleanor thing, and overreacted. Partly due to ED, partly due to the fact that I am, always have been and forever will be, a worry-wart. Self-diagnosed, of course, but it's quite obvious. I work myself up, consciously and subconsciously, into a nervous, nailbiting state, complete with bouncing up and down on my chair. And all for nothing!
As I unwillingly stepped on the scale this morning, my mind was buzzing at a hundred miles and second, ED's voice was blasting its way through my head and pounding me with threats to make my life a complete and utter misery if I've gained. But wait! ED already has made my life a complete and utter misery! Well, as the numbers settled, and as my body, without my permission, tensed up into a knot, my mind sort of hit a brick wall. After going at a hundred miles a second, hitting a brick wall stops you with amazing force. Imagine that. Only times about 66875154654. Yes. I was in complete and utter shock.
...I maintained.
Cue ED going AWOL, cue Mum and Dad going "Huh! I told you so..." and cue me staring at my Nutritionist with a dumb-founded look. What? Maintained? What? No! I can't have! I've gained weight! I had to have! What about all of this body mass, all of this "fat" feeling? No! This doesn't make sense! 

I was clinging to something, anything. Maintaining, however, is better than losing, and I've convinced myself of that. ED can go chew an old sock, for all I care - I am not a failure, and no one will make me believe otherwise. I am not fat, and ED can't make me believe that, either. This is my body telling me I'm doing okay, but I need more. I haven't really been upped in much. I just have to have some form of calorie-dense(ish) drink instead of my usual thirty-seven cups of tea. Not all of them, though! Just an extra drink, be it milk, juice, or some other form of calorie-d drink. Which I can do. Which ED can't make me feel bad for having. Which ED can't convince me I don't need and refuse to have. I need it, and DAMNIT all, I will have it.

{ source }

We each have a stairway that we've all been too afraid to walk up. It's a very long stairway, but nonetheless, after the first few steps we become scared of the nearing light. This stairway, though, does lead to somewhere special. At the top, after that very last, final step, is the place we deserve to be. The place we once were, but unfortunately we were pushed down the stairway, and that's scared us from getting back on it and walking it again. The emotional, psychological fear of that stairway stops us from wanting to get back on it. But those first few initial steps have been taken, and yes, we may find ourselves stuck on one for a while, but we have the strength to take another, and another. The closer we come to the end of the stairs, the more we can see into our special somewhere, and the more we realize how much we were missing out on. There will be rickety stairs, sticky stairs, creaky stairs, slippery stairs and seemingly un-steppable stairs - we might step back one or two paces at times, but we have the strength to get back up. All of these stairs is significant, each and every step we take is a step closer to our "home", each and every step we take is a step further away from the dark and miserable place we were pushed down in to.

And the best thing? There's no door we have to open, no key we have to find to unlock it. No Alice In Wonderland doors that talk, that are too big or too small or locked or jammed or stubborn. We just... Step through the doorway, and in to the light.

And the rest is history. A history worth making. A history we will look back on and think "Wow, I really did myself proud."
Yes, that stairway will always be there. But another great thing? Once we're in our special somwhere, we have the ability to place a door in that doorway, lock it and throw away the key.
We can do that because it is us that is in control. It is our life we are living. Not a shell of a life that ED is destroying.

I want to thank you, each and every one of you, for the unbelievable amount of support you gave me. Without you all, I simply wouldn't have been able to get through the day as well as I did. Your words of kindness, your encouragement, your beautiful compliments and your undying, unflailing belief in my spirits up higher than I thought imaginable. I was, and still am, overwhelmed by the love I recieved.
Thank you, thank you all, from the bottomless bottom of my heart. I love you all with such intensity, and I can honestly say that my life would not be the same without you. You have helped to mould me into the girl I am becoming again. You are all a part of my life, and you forever will be.


love, love, love.
...times a billion and one.