Unhappiness and Happiness.

I just wrote an entire post, and deleted it. And another. And another. I'm not really sure what I should be writing - these past few days have held no real meaning to them. I've been waiting for a revelation, a realisation, an epiphany. Hanging out for that "Ah-ha!" moment. But nothing has come. I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable in my body - the way certain body parts look and feel and appear;  thoughts too dark and hurtful to mention. I'm being set upon at the least suspected moments, attacked from every angle.
Traditionally, when a person is bullied, they have the option to walk away but this... This is different. When I walk away, my bully walks with me: The shadow that needs no sun. Although I've been trying to kick my positive mind into gear, the Lord of Evil Deeds, as ED shall be referred to at times, sets his Evil Deed-doers on to me, sucking dry any drop of positive-juice I can muster up and squeeze out of my brain.
My body is a vessel, I keep telling myself. Yeah, one that's carrying an extra large load, says ED. Everything I attack these negative thoughts with, a counter attack is launched back and I sink. Sometimes it gets to the point of "Why bother?" Why bother forcing myself to face these dark thoughts when I never get anywhere? I'm only ever getting pushed back, pushed down, hurt and tormented.
Eleanor knows that there's a chance, there's hope. There's always hope. But what does Eleanor know? Eleanor is nothing without ED. I know that's complete and utter bullocks, but hearing that over and over again deepens the belief. It's settling in, becoming a "lesson", almost. Back to pre-school days where "Simon says..." was a way of teaching, is now my very own game of "ED says...", but this time, when I do something without ED saying so, I'm not just "out" of the game, I'm punished.
I don't want to play this game anymore...

Negative Nancie and Debbie Downer can go home for the day, though, because I've been tagged to do a list of the things that make me happy, which are the things I should always remind myself of and reward myself with.

The lovely Amanda from (. seek .) and Emily from (Secret Doors) awarded me with:

I love this idea. Being conscious of the things that are good in our lives, as apposed to the things that get us down (that is: ED), is so important. We have reasons to be happy, and we have every right to allow ourselves to indulge that happiness.

Without further adieu:

10 Things That Make Me Happy

1. A no-brainer: Coffee & Tea. I start every morning with a cup of liquid bliss (coffee), and it never fails to up my happy juices. Throughout the day I replenish myself with an abundance of flavored teas. Happiness in every cup.
Oh. I also have a weakness for coffee mugs and bowls. Yes, it's weird, yes, I might just have a slight problem... But I had to confess to my delight in getting new coffee cups and bowls to drink and eat from! Eating/drinking from a cute piece of crockery brings me unbound joy. ;)
2. Reading: I inherited my love for books from my parents, no doubt; my bedside table is never without a book. I love being caught up in the story - becoming the characters, feeling their feelings, seeing what they see, thinking their thoughts. Each story is a journey - the build up to the climax, the twists, the surprises, the emotions. It's indescribable. Getting lost in a book is a love that will never leave me.
3. Early Mornings: I'm an early riser, and nothing brings me greater joy than to breathe in the fresh, clean, new air of the day. A new day, a day full of opportunities waiting to be taken.
4. Yoga: Every morning, when the world is still sleeping, I roll out my yoga mat and stretch out my sleepy muscles. I love the feeling of gentle stretches - I always feel so much more alive and loose after yoga. It's the only time of the day when I'm completely alone (another advantage of early mornings!) and it gives me time to gather my thoughts.
5. Laughing: Self explanitory, I think! Nothing feels better than out-of-control laughter. Usually once I start, I can't stop. I don't laugh often enough, but when I find something to laugh at... I laugh.
6. Lovely words from lovely people: I know this is corny, but whenever I read a comment from one of you, my heart smiles. The power of words is immense, and every time I read a comment, I feel like I'm recieving a gift. Ah, gushy gushy...
7. Shopping! If only my wallet was bottomless and my mother's credit card endless...
8. Kid's movies: I have a thing for Disney movies. They've never failed to make me happy. The Little Mermaid and The Swan Princess were my favourites when I was like, five. I've moved on since then. Now it's Monster's Inc., Toy Story, Alice In Wonderland, The Emperor's New Groove, Hurcles, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas... You know, the big kid movies! OH, and does anyone remember Space Jam, with Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes in it!? Or am I the only one...
9. Hot showers: Some of my most incredible, genius ideas have come to me in the shower. Nothing beats a stream of hot water to relax the body and stimulate the mind. ;)
10. Ah, number 10... It was a battle to get to this one. I'm going to have to say,
Love. Again, I know this is corny, but a little love goes a long way. Love comes in many forms. The unconditional love from my parents is just mindblowing. After everything that we've been through, they never have once made me doubt their love for me. The love from my friends, and how no matter what sort of mood I'm in, they find it in themselves to show me love. From my guy friends to my girl friends, they're lovers, alright. And you girls. The love you all have show me is unbelievable. I've never felt a love quite like the love you have all provided me with, and I could not be more grateful, thankful and happy!

Wow. This list took me almost half an hour to compile, and it was only 10 things. It's almost shameful to admit how hard it was to come up with 10 things that make me happy. But here it is, in writing - 10 reasons to smile, 10 things that I can engage in that will make me happy.

Now, for the tagging! My 10 little bundles of joy:
1. Nat from Counting Down To Life After ED!
2. Rachael from Ruby Converse and Curls
3. Tatianna from Tatianna Lives
4. Hannah from Determined To Shine
5. Blue Eyes from Blue Eyed Heart ;)
6. Becca from A Day In The Life
7. Sabrina from Early Morning Oats
8. Rebecca from From Here To There In Purple
9. Katie from Katie Laura Loves Life
10. Jessie from Synecdoche

When I can put words to my thoughts correctly, I will make a somewhat more substancial/understandable post!

Remember, there is always a reason to smile. Try your hardest to find it, because you all deserve happiness.

Love, love, love.