Oh, the Sweet Sixteenth birthday celebrations... How I wish I could go back and do mine again.
It's a dear friend of mine's 16th birthday today, and to celebrate she's hosting a party at her place: Casino Night! Poker, mocktails, mocktinis (hah, gotta love it), feather boas and a variety of Hollywood themed decorations. She is going all out, and although I truly am excited about tonight, I'm feeling a little low on myself, and feelings of regret are starting to swamp me.
Thinking back to my 16th birthday in May '09, it was anything but extravagant. I woke up in the morning without the traditional "It's my BIRTHday!" attitude, went to school and faked smiles at those who wished me "Happy Birthday" and came home with a birthday cake I'd made in Home Economics that I didn't eat. It was a "Birthday" without the "Happy". And to add on to my lack of happy, only days before I had been medically diagnosed with Anorexia. Thanks for the birthday present, Doc.
It's a dear friend of mine's 16th birthday today, and to celebrate she's hosting a party at her place: Casino Night! Poker, mocktails, mocktinis (hah, gotta love it), feather boas and a variety of Hollywood themed decorations. She is going all out, and although I truly am excited about tonight, I'm feeling a little low on myself, and feelings of regret are starting to swamp me.
Thinking back to my 16th birthday in May '09, it was anything but extravagant. I woke up in the morning without the traditional "It's my BIRTHday!" attitude, went to school and faked smiles at those who wished me "Happy Birthday" and came home with a birthday cake I'd made in Home Economics that I didn't eat. It was a "Birthday" without the "Happy". And to add on to my lack of happy, only days before I had been medically diagnosed with Anorexia. Thanks for the birthday present, Doc.
However badly I feel about how my own birthday turned out, I'm not going to let my hard feelings towards birthdays get to me tonight because it's not my birthday, it's my friends. And she deserves to have the happiest birthday possible, without Oscar The Grouch spoiling the mood. I party-pooped my own party (... uh, what party?), but I wont party-poop hers.
In the spirit of "Dress Up" parties, I scrounged up a costume - one that I am rather proud of, and looks mighty fine if I do say so myself. Photos tomorrow ladies, I promise! As I have no idea what people at Casinos wear, I... Improvised. But all in the name of a dress-up party.
Nothing has really stood out as being important recently. I talked with my older brother yesterday about going back to school this year, starting out new, with people I don't know in a place I'm unfamiliar with. New eyes, new faces, new names. I know everyone is going to be in the same boat, but my confidence levels aren't exactly high, if you know what I mean - the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone and God Forbid meeting new people is turing my head, and not to mention my stomach, inside out. I'm trying to keep my head just above the water; I can't afford to sink, and I don't want to sink. ED is plaguing my mind about eating at school. "You wont have to eat your morning snack and lunch at school, no one will know... You can get away with it... Everyone will think you're such a pig, and they're right... You'll get so fat..." Rationally, I know this is a load of ass. But the weaker part of my brain is giving in to it. I keep trying to counter-attack EDs attacks. "If I don't my lunch, I'm probably going to lose weight. I'll still have a dietitian, and she'll still weight me. If I lose weight, I have to eat more!" And if I keep losing weight, I'll have to end up eating more and either someone will have to sit with me during lunch time and morning time, or I'll get pulled out of school. Neither of those things I want, and I'm trying so hard to keep that in my mind and use that as motivation to keep moving forward.
The challenges we overcome only make us stronger, and ED weaker.
I am going to enjoy myself at this party tonight, and ED is not invited. I have every right to smile, and nothing, especially not something that lives in my head, can take that right away from me.
Give yourself permission to smile, permission to be happy, permission to laugh and love and live, because you all deserve to, and you all can. The only thing stopping you is the voice telling you that you're not allowed to. But where is that voice coming from? It's coming from your head. Your head. Take back what is rightfully yours! Fight, take over, dominate. Your smile can shine through anything, if you give yourself the chance.
Love, love, love.
13 comments:
That so sad, I was in hospital for your birthday :( it makes me so sad to think while I was being medically saved another girl was diagnosed with such a dangerous disease.
My sixteenth sounds the same, there was no 'Happy' and sweet sixteen? I wouldn't have known the difference, after a few birthdays extremely sick, I don't really like to celebrate anymore.
Have fun and I'm desperate for photos!
xx
:( lovie, i can so relate to my b-days being ruined by my ED...my 18th birthday was the worst ever, i was so much in my ED, living off pretty much nothing, and i just remember my dad begging maya and i to go out to dinner, and we just stayed home and had the most miserable night and day, just feeling so badly about our lives...but i know this may and this june(my b-day) we will both have the best day ever...as you said..." The only thing stopping you is the voice telling you that you're not allowed to. But where is that voice coming from? It's coming from your head. Your head. Take back what is rightfully yours! Fight, take over, dominate. Your smile can shine through anything, if you give yourself the chance." we have the choice to smile, to eat, to laugh to be social and to live...its all in our hands :) and i know that you can go to this party today and have a blast! you are gorgeous, and so special, and i love you and i cant wait to see pics! :)
love you
xx
Eliza
Eleanor,
2009 is full of disappointing memories for many of us... I know my last birthday was filled with a distinct lack of 'Happy' as well.
Why is it that we can't even enjoy the celebration of our birth... of our life? The truth is that we CAN! You are right my friend, you need to give yourself permission to enjoy... to smile.. to laugh... to live. You deserve so much more than you allow yourself to have - this year's birthday will be so much better. I promise :)
... But for now, enjoy the party tonight! Leave ED at home and only bring along your beauty and your positivity. Step outside of your shell and celebrate the beauty of life - whether it be your own, or your friend's. Sounds like a bit of a gamble to me.. :P
Love you girl!
xox
Tat
I'm so excited to see pics! Have a fantastic time! I'm sorry you feel so low about your birthday :[ birthdays generally don't go as planned and our expectations usually exceed reality. but it is just another day. just like any other day. And today, you have the chance to be happy, to make your day a good day. And tomorrow, you get that same chance again!
Love you baby <3
Don't listen to Ed--he's stupid and dumb ;]
eleanor i cannot wait to see this pictures :)
you're right there is no reason not to enjoy ourselves, there is nothing stopping us except ourselves.
keep your head up dear, school with be tough, but you can do it. don't let Ed tell you that you don't have to eat at school, because you do, no questions.
believe me i know confidence is hard, but it will come back, it doesn't make you arrogant or bitchy, its just a part of being you. it takes some time to gain it, but having confidence shows the world that you love you.
happy wednesday beautiful!
xoxo
I'm sorry your 16th birthday wasn't all that it could have been ... to be honest, I don't even remember mine! Old age does that. ;) But you have a whole lifetime of birthdays ahead of you that can top the last one.
Can't wait to see the pictures :)
<3 <3
I have so many bad/depressing memories of past birthdays. But it makes me so determined to make the next one better. ED has ruined enough moments in our lives... so you go out and enjoy that party my love!
And I love what you said in your last paragraph. Its so wrong that we feel we need "permission" to be happy, but its so important that we do! Life is too short to spend our time consumed with negetive feelings.
Lots of love pretty girl <3
Hannah xo
Love the last piece, so positive, and true.
It really is a sad thing that ED taints most of our memories. That it robs us of those precious moments of our life and forces us to look back upon them with regret.
I, too, can recall so many moments that were supposed to be special but weren't because I simply wouldn't allow them to be. It's a punishment that we inflict upon ourselves, and so we're the only ones that have the power to take that punishment away and let ourselves be happy.
ED may have ruined so many moments for you, love, but you still have the opportunity to experience SO many more special moments. For that, though, you need to fight ED out of your life. The beginning of the journey is always the hardest... once you begin to see the good that comes out of your struggles, it becomes easier and easier.
Love, always, xoxo
elenaor! i'm so sorry about your 16th...it's such a special day. unfortunately, when people ask me when my ed turned for the worse, it was my own 16th. isn't it awful how ED creeps up on you like that? but the important part is that we move on and live the life ahead of us and not dwell on the past :)
i want you to party your butt of tonight girl! and show ED who is the boss :) nobody can take away the memories you can make!
♥ lindsey
I can absolutely relate to this--ED had ruined so many birthdays (and other holidays for me) and it seems that now every holiday is tainted by these memories. This is something that I've really struggled with over the Christmas holiday. You're so right that we do need to give ourselves permission to have fun, to live, to laugh. So often I think I trick myself into believing that I don't deserve to celebrate like other people do--but we do deserve it!! I hope the party was wonderful and that you had a great time!
dido to this whole post. ED has been in my head for many holidays and ruined some of them whole. Have fun at the party, leave ED at home - or better yet..abandon him! Casino night sounds like alotta fun :)
xoxo
Thank you so much for your kind words! I am feeling similar anxieties about going back to school, my semester starts on the nineteenth and that rigid structure/schedule will make it easy to restrict, I know this and it scares me. I wish you the best of luck when you start back to school and I hope you had fun at the party! I look forward to seeing photos of your costume!
-Kylee
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