"Honesty Is The Best Policy".

Being able to put your trust in someone is vital if you're serious about your relationship with that person. And likewise, they have to be able to put their trust in you for the relationship to be a sound, solid one. It's not a one-way street, and that's something I've really been trying to remind myself of lately, because trust and honesty is something I've really been having issues with, lately.

Most of us are brought up knowing that "telling the truth" is very important, and lying is not acceptable. It's bad, and it's punished. Rightly so! You wouldn't want to be friends with a liar, you wouldn't want to be friends with someone you couldn't trust, right? Of course not. Some people easily trust others, and some have issues with trust. They're both absolutely acceptable - it all depends on the person you are and the experiences you've had. But when it comes to trusting yourself, well, that's when things get messy.

Every day I wake up knowing I'll have to face the monster in my head. Every day I have to face the abuse, the taunts, the persuasions, the sick, self-loathing thoughts. Waking up to that every day, and going through that every day, for too many days, has slowly started to whittle away at my self respect. And in having my level of self respect depleted, my level of honesty and truthfulness has hit an all time low, too. Not just to others, but to myself.

This is the first of my philosophical Eleanor in a while. This train of thought was sparked by this morning's happenings. I got up early, as per-usual, did my daily morning yoga, and started to get my breakfast ready. No one is up at the hour I'm up, so this is my "me" time, whatever that is. Anyway, I ate my breakfast while blog reading (as per-usual!) and once I'd finished, I sat there for a few minutes. Then I did something completely out of the ordinary. I got up, put my hand in a cereal box I've never eaten before, and put some flakes into the bowl. Not many, but a small handful nonetheless. Then I poured some soymilk over them, sat back down at the computer, and ate it.
...What did you just do!? You didn't need that! You've got to cut something out of your meal plan today! You're going to get so fat, so huge, look at you, you're disgusting.

Yep! Cue ED roaring. But that's not the most important part. The most important part of this is, after my Mum got up and made her breakfast, I went and stood out the back with her. And I told her what I'd done:
Me: I did something I don't normally do.
Mum: Mmm? What's that?
Me: After I finished my breakfast, I went back, and I got some more.
Mum: ...*crickets chirp*...

...She didn't say a word. She did not say one thing to me about it. Actually, she didn't say anything at all. I waited, shifting my weight from one leg to the other, waiting for her to say something. But she didn't. She didn't even look at me.
I told her the truth. I was honest with her. It was... God, it was so hard for me to admit to that, because again abuse was hurled at me from ED's direction. But I told her, I was true and honest with her, despite how scary it was and despite how much it hurt. Little did I know I'd be hurt so much more after being ignored by her.
It's nearing 6 in the afternoon now, and still Mum hasn't said anything to be about it. Of all people, I would have though Mum would understand. I thought of all people, Mum would be proud of me, and tell me she was proud. But she didn't. I am so angry at her, so angry. She didn't and doesn't acknowledge anything I do. She never congratulates me or tells me she's proud. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. That I should just "be better", "be normal".

I'm having trouble keeping my emotions at bay. I was extremely hurt this morning and yeah... I did cry. I haven't been able to mention anything to her, because I know she'll just get mad at me. I keep thinking I've done something wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have had that extra cereal. Maybe it was bad, wrong, stupid. ED's holding onto that and now I'm not so sure that there's any other explanation. I don't want to believe that what I did was wrong, but after Mum's reaction all I'm able to feel is regret, not pride. I know I was nourishing my body, by giving that extra fuel, just on a whim, just because. But rationality and logic aren't playing big in my head at the moment. ED's taken advantage of the weakened state of my mind and keeping me firmly in his painful grasp.
"You don't need to be honest with anyone, now. No one's going to believe you, anyway. Why not just lie, pretend, no one will know. Your Mum didn't believe you, because no one trusts you. But you can't trust them, either. They're not honest with you.. Sneaking extra into your meals, giving you more... Lying to you. Don't trust them."

ED's playing my parents against me, and I'm afraid that now I'll start doing the same.
But Eleanor, the wise one, the rational one, the logical one, the real owner of this body, keeps telling me that being honest is so important. Regardless of the outcome, it will make me feel better, knowing that I've told the truth.

Now the biggest part is to trust myself. Pushing ED out of the limelight and concentrating on Eleanor. It's a constant fight for attention, but I know who I need to listen to. I know who I need to trust. That's Eleanor. I need to trust Eleanor.

love, love, love.