Just A Quick Update.

Just got back from the Nutritionists. I got blind weighed, and now I'm freaking out completely. Nothing anyone does is right. I just caught my dad putting margarine spread on my sandwich, when he knows I don't eat it. I might have to go up in my meal plan, and I physically can't eat more. I'm just not really coping right now, I'm on the edge of having a breakdown.
I want to know what I weigh, I need to know and now I'm stressing out so much about it. My Dad is slipping in more food that I need, I know he is... He's sneaking around me and it's scaring me. I can't do this at the moment. I don't feel strong enough. I don't want this, any of this. I want my control and I want to do things my way... I know I'm not seeing reasonably but right now nothing anyone is doing is helping me, and all I want to do is cry and give in.

I'm so sorry.
I hate ED. But I've gotten myself too attached to just give it up.

Where Has Time Gone?

It's Saturday, already? It can't be Saturday... Where has the week gone? I swear only yesterday I was waking up for a Monday morning at school! It's terrifying how time if flying by so fast. In three weeks time I am saying goodbye to my high school, Chaffey Secondary College, forever, and entering a new chapter in my life. There's no denying that I have some pretty miserable memories from my four years of schooling there, but there's been good ones, too, in ample amounts. This school is where I've done my growing up, maturing, found somewhat of a direction in life. I've met some amazing people, and amazing teachers who have supported me all throughout my time there. I'm dreading the change, I'm dreading "growing up", now. I used to want it so badly, ache for it, but now I think I've scared myself out of it. I'm comfortable where I am, I don't want to be out of my comfort zone again. The next two years of my life are probably going to be the hardest yet, and everyone cannot stress enough the importance of me being in a better state of health in order to survive the two years and see them through as best as possible. Within myself, I know that, but convincing myself of it is the struggle.

On to some happier news, though. Last night, I went out with my beautiful friend C, to watch New Moon! To tell you the truth, I was expecting it to be horrible, because I didn't like Twilight. I read the books before everyone jumped on the vampire bandwagon and started obsessing over the fictional characters. The line-up for this movie was HUGE! We got there half an hour early, or more even, just to make sure we would get seats... It was pretty empty when we got there, but as it got closer to the screening time, it was packed.. No empty seats!
And, okay... I got excited when the Werewolf took his shirt off. But c'mon, seriously! How is it possible to have abs like that!? It was enjoyable, though, and for the first time in a while I really enjoyed myself out. I needed it, and I'm so glad I ignored ED and went along. 

I'm not looking forward to my Nutritionist appointment today. I always dread it, but today I feel even worse about it. I mentioned in a previous post about the Nurse at my doctors weighing me in like seven different places, with seven different weight results, so I have no idea what I actually weigh, but maybe that's a good thing. So today, I'll be doing a blind weight on my Nutritionists scales. I don't want to know, and as hard as that is for me to not look, I think it's best that I don't know. It's just too much to stress about. But I really, really don't want her to up anything. I'm eating Monster Meals already. I hope it goes quickly... I really do. Quickly and painlessly.

I told you I'd suffer some major and violent word vomiting at some stage!
I'll update later on today, perhaps. But until then, stay positive, my beauties. 

Love, love, love.

P.S. It's raining for the first time in a long, long time today.
It's beautiful.

Mind Blank.

After several attempts at blogging this afternoon, I have decided I will do this quiz I have seen floating around, because I have nothing to say... Actually, I have plenty to say, but I don't know how to say any of it. Yes, a common, recurring dilemma of mine. What will happen though, is that I will be wordless now, and have some major verbal vomit later on in the day. So... Prepare yourselves.

Favorites

Favorite foods to crunch:
Apples!
Favorite comfort foods:
Oats, pumpkin soup and... Coffee's a food, right?
Favorite picnic lunches:
Fruit salad, sandwiches of all sorts cut into little triangles, and orange juice.
Favorite food related lyrics:
"I can be your daddy, be your rock n' rolla'
You can be my sugar, be my cherry cola" - Eagles Of Death Metal (sorry that's all I could think of!)
Best food smell memory:
Oh... The smell of coffee shops in the arcades and small streets of Melbourne.
Best summer snack:
Frozen grapes!
Favorite winter snack:
Pumpkin Soooooup, and, again, coffee. Or Weet-Bix. Love them Weet-Bix.
Foods that remind me of the ocean:
Uh... I've never really experienced the ocean, but I'll say fish and chips and icecreams, because that's generic.
Most likely to eat for lunch:
A toasted sandwich of some description.
Least likely to eat for lunch:
Steak and fries?
Food that makes me gag:
I can't stand the smell of sardines. And the idea of eating sheep/cow brains?
Food tradition I love:
Everyone sitting around the table at Christmas time, and fighting over the last of the cheese or the olives.
Food tradition I loathe:
Having to wait until everyone's finished eating before leaving the table, haha.
Favorite wild foods:
Uh... Mum's "wild" veggies in her vegetable garden?
Favorite medicinal foods:
Herbal tea. I know that's not a food but it's magic.
Food that reflects my heritage:
What heritage?
Food most like me:
I believe I have attributes similar to that of a mixed bowl of nuts. Heh, work that one out.
Soup or salad:
I'm gonna have to say soup. But not just any soup!
Favorite breakfast foods:
OATS. And Weet-Bix.
Favorite ethnic cuisine:
Hmm... Italian.
Favorite type of chocolate:
Dark. Daaaaark velvety chocolate.
Favorite beverages:
Hot, steaming coffee... Liquorice Tea, Vanilla Green Tea.
Smooth or crunchy peanut butter:
CRUNCHY. I firmly believe that peanut butter has to be crunchy. Smooth makes me gag.
Foods I hated as I child but love now:
Mushrooms! And Cous Cous.
Foods I loved as a child but hate now:
I can't think of anything!
Weirdest food habits:
I like almost everything warmed... Even in Summer. I can't drink cold drinks! I have to microwave everything. Even juice.

Alright, that's me done for now.
Prepare for some serious words tonight, or later on.

Love, love, love.

Smile Like You Mean It.

I shouldn't be here right now. I should be doing homework. But my brain isn't working. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm even supposed to be doing... Words aren't stringing themselves together like they used to, which is why I began failing English in the first place. Mum bargained with me, if I get my English assignments completed and handed in on Friday (tomorrow), she'll buy me something that I want... Which is cinnamon flavored coffee beans, if you're interested, haha.
But somehow, I don't think I'll be getting those coffee beans. Or even going to the Year 10 Ball, at this rate. I feel like a failure, I feel like I should be able to do this assignment, but I can't. I can't do it. I don't know why! I'm usually good at this sort of thing. I usually excel in English. I... Am so disappointed in myself. I really hate this feeling but I do feel like a failure.

I've chosen my subjects and handed in my subject list for Year 11, but last night I had a real freakout about going to Senior College. (I don't know what Americans call it.. Senior High/High School?) I don't feel like I'm ready to enter a new stage of my life yet. I'm scared of change, in every aspect. Scared of changing schools, changing surroundings, changing friends, bodily changes and mental changes... Life changed. Everything. I've scared myself out of wanting to grow up and be independent. I do want to be independent, and live my own life, but I don't know what my life is at the moment. I have no idea what I want to do, who I want to be... I don't know who I am to know who I want to be. Mum said there's no avoiding it, which is true. I have to give myself the best possible chance, which means I need to be as healthy as possible to get through and survive next year. I do, so much, want to go to Senior College, I want to study the things I'm interested in and learn about things I never knew existed... But the new lifestyle is just so daunting a thought. If I don't do this, if I don't get through next year, and Year 12, there's no chance I'll survive in the 'real world', like University or living by myself or having a job. I'll never experience the things in life that I always wanted to, and still do want to, experience.
Fighting against it, isn't going to get me anywhere except deeper into the hole I've dug myself into. I need to dig myself out of the hole, not bury myself deeper. The further I go downward, the longer way there is back to the top. Which means the harder it will be to get to the top. I want to succeed, I want to be proud of the life I've made for myself... But right now, I have nothing to be proud of. Which really puts a damper on my future. 

The reality shock is what I need - if I continue to go along the path I'm on now, I'll end up a miserable person. There will be nothing in my life that I love, nothing I can appreciate, nothing I can look forward to or smile about. That isn't the life I want to live. Right now I'm not living. I may not be emaciated, but my BMI is only just on 15. I'm not a 'woman', I'm not the bright spark I used to be, I'm not hyperactive, happy, laughing all the time and enjoying myself. Being underweight, being unhealthy, not having a properly functioning body, in any way, is not how anyone should be. This is not how I ever envisioned myself being.

I know what I want for Christmas.
Happiness, acceptance, love, hope and peace of mind.

Doctor, Doctor! I WANT ANSWERS.

"There is something freakishly wrong with me!"
YES, there is. This morning my Mother recommended me going to the doctor's to get weighed. Of course, I started freaking out and jiggling my leg and holding onto my stomach for dear life. I was nervous... Alright, I was having a major freak out. ED was being the obnoxious ass-hole he always is, reminding me how fat I must be now, after two weeks of proper re-feeding. And, shamefully, I believed in his words. Oh, Eleanor, you've gained so much this week, look, you can even see the fat. It's multiplying, growing, every single day, every mouthful is another kilo on your ass/legs/stomach/arms/face/everywhere possible. Okay, he was a real, real jerk this morning.
As I sat in the sitting in the surgery, my leg wouldn't stop moving. Mum had to tell me to stop, as it was making her chair jiggle and her "fat wobble". That made me laugh, but ED grabbed onto that and said in his painful voice if it's making her fat wobble, imagine what it's doing to your fat legs. I had honestly had enough of him - it wasn't even past 9 in the morning and already he was swamping my thoughts!
"Eleanor?" called the nurse. Whoop, time for me to face the facts. Time for me to jump on those scales and have my heart sink to my ankles because of all that weight gained over a week. ED really is such an ass. As I stepped on the scales, and saw the numbers tick, they settled on a surprising number. A number lower than what I weighed a week previous.

"What?" I said to myself. "That can't be right." ED was jumping for joy. But my heart sank to my ankles, anyway. I had lost weight. What was wrong with me? What is wrong with me? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GAINING WEIGHT DAMNIT. I'm eating meals fit for a truckie. So why am I losing weight instead of gaining? ED convinced me I had put on so much fat, I could feel it on my body, I could feel myself heavier. The nurse, trying to be helpful, suggested we weigh me again in a different spot, so I did. And the numbers were different. We moved to another spot. Different numbers again. WHAT IS GOING ON? I cried. We even went into another ROOM for goodness' sake, and it was, again, different. I didn't and don't know what to believe! What do I weigh? It's a fricken mystery. I just want to know. I need to know. But nothing will give me a proper answer. My Mum relieved me by saying I wont have to be weighed every week, but every 2 or 3 weeks, which is a huge, huge weight (hah, pun not intended) off my shoulders. 

I am not really sure what to believe. ED is still telling me I'm huge, and I've put on so much body mass. But I know within myself that it's not true, that I am, in fact, still very unhealthy. I had goosebumps in the surgery, damnit! That's not normal! I was sweating (ew) on my way to the doctors it was that hot outside. Growing big fleshy lumps on my arms under an airconditioner, on a hot day, is not normal.
Oh, what to do. I'm so conflicted right now. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm... Angry, but not furious. I'm confused, dazed, puzzled, (insert-feeling-here) and I'm not at all sure what to do. 

I need a hobby. And I need to do homework. But I don't want to do homework. Oh, God. Help me! Put my mind at ease. Bless me with a puppy, or a kitten - convince my parents my little brother isn't allergic to cats and wouldn't mind having an animal indoors. GIVE ME SOMETHING SOFT AND CUTE TO CUDDLE AND CALL MY OWN.
I am a six year old girl at heart, really.
I'm hiding, somewhere.

I'll find me, somewhere.

A Little Cup Of Love.

I don't know about you, but I like my tea with just a little dash of love.
I don't think there's such thing as too much tea. I seriously had about seven cups today, all different! How's that for variety, eh?
Today wasn't all that big a day. It wasn't sweltering hot - even if it was I still would've had as much tea. I saw my Therapist this morning, and all went well. I didn't cry! And I have big news! The cute boy (the is too old for me but I still like him anyway!) that works where S (therapist) and I went for coffee came over to our table and offered us this new "Mango Chiller" thing that they just brought out. And without thinking, I took it, and I drank it. I didn't even give ED a chance to refuse it! I took it before I could let him have any say, and I downed it. And you know what? It was delicious. I didn't feel bad about it, I didn't gain seven kilos, I didn't blow up like an elephant. All it did was please my taste buds. My Therapist actually said she was wondering if I was going to drink it or not, and I pleasantly surprised her - and myself!
So that was a positive to the day.

I'm sort of going downhill with my homework again... I'm behind in Math now, unfortunately, and my English assignments are starting to accumulate again. So tomorrow, I will force myself to get to it, and actually finish it. No  blogging, no interneting, no nothing until that homework is complete. I don't want to disappoint myself, and the only one I'm letting down is me, no one else. My teacher wont care if I don't ace English; he's got plenty of other kids to worry about. I've got to do this for myself and I can't let myself down. 

I went for a walk with my Dad today to the only health-food (if you can really call it a health food) shop, to buy some more organic figs, and on the way we walked past the Primary School (elementary) I used to attend. It brought back such fond memories; memories of easier times, times where I had fun, I was carefree, playing, laughing, loving life and being engaged in everything around me. I felt quite nostalgic, and longed for that sense of freedom and carefree that I once had.  I know there's no point living in the past, but it doesn't and wont stop me from wishing times were easier again.
I'm not really sure where I want to go in life - I know I want to be healthy and happy... Maybe that's when I should really worry about my direction. I don't want to ruin my chances of living a happy healthy life. I need to live; I hate this feeling of not having a life. I feel trapped, alone, scared of everything... That's not living. 

 I want to live.

A Questionaire!

Excited about the smallest of things, that's me.
The lovely Amy tagged me to do this little quiz, so here goes!

1. favorite variety of apple? Pink Ladies. Mmm...
2. apples dipped in..? Peanut Butter with cinnamon or oatmeal!
3. favorite way to enjoy pumpkin? Mashed up, with loads of cinnamon and allspice.
4. favorite soup? with crackers or bread? Pumpkin! With toasted rye bread.
5. do you eat orange foods all year round? YES. Pumpkin, carrots, sweet potato...
6. most used spice in your autumn cooking: Cinnamon and allspice.
7. you are baking some homemade bread, what flavor combination of bread would you like to make? Date and walnut, or gingerbread!
8. favorite autumn vegetables and ways to eat it? PUMPKIN. Pumpkin anything.
9. hot chocolate, hot cider, coffee or tea? I am addicted to Gloria Jeans coffee, especially their Soy Flat Whites. OR licorice tea.
10. favorite seasonal dessert? Okay this is weird, but custard with baked apples and spice.
11. lets make a fall stew! pick any 6 ingredients to create your one: Pumpkin, red lentils, sweet potato, cauliflower, nutmeg and... Thyme.
12. pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts or almonds to snack on? Almonds.
13. popcorn flavor/seasoning? With Icing Sugar.
14. bowl of hot cereal you have been wanting to try: Any of Maya's and Eliza's oatie masterpieces. Or coffee in my oats!
15. post a link to a recipe that you recently bookmarked: Om-nom-nom.

I'm not sure if there's anyone else to tag!
But I'll tag... Whoever hasn't been tagged, because I think almost everyone's done!
Little Miss Sunshine!

Well that was exciting.
It's early-ish in the morning. I woke up about 2 hours ago - I've been getting up ridiculously early as of late. 5:30, normally. WHAT? THIS ISN'T NORMAL.
I'm seeing my Therapist today at 11 - she sometimes takes me out for coffee, which is great. But I usually end up crying in the cafe, which is really quite embarrassing. I don't know if I really feel like seeing her today, though, which is strange. I've been having these body image issues, that she doesn't really seem to be helping me with. She's told me that there's a broad range of what is deemed "healthy" and BMI ranges are very broad, too. You're not either "fat" or "thin", there's a continuum. But as much as she tells me that, it's not going to make me feel better about my body. I'm not comfortable in it at the moment. I'm trying to make myself aware of what I'm doing - when I body check I consciously stop myself from doing it, but sometimes that's harder than I think it is. ED has a hold on me still, a strong one, and he's not ready to let go yet. Or maybe it's me that's not ready to let go yet? That's a sickening thought - who would want to self-destruct? Who knows, who knows...

 ED's got me trapped. I wont give up the fight, though. I'm too stubborn to admit defeat.

Freedom.

I'd best be off now, I'll probably post later in the day!  

 Love, love, love.

Princess.

Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a ballerina. Yeah, yeah, I know - lots of little girls dreamed of one day becoming a Swan Princess or a Beauty of the Ball. But I guess by parents thought it was a phase. Sure enough, they were right. But I've never let go of the dream...
Pretty unrealistic dream though because I'm clumpy and a klutz with no sense of balance. I'm barely able to stand in the one position without toppling over. This was all spurred because of our ballroom dancing lesson today at school, in preparation for the ball. Of course, we were all over each others feet, running around our partners in an attempt to waltz... Hardly Prima Ballerinas! I failed miserably, along with most of our class. And ED had to put in his two cents, as usual. "You're not good enough to be a dancer, you're too fat, you're ugly and useless and worthless..." blah blah blah. The usual.
I've been having incredibly bad body image issues lately. Every time I eat I feel... Guilty? It's a terrible feeling. Why should I feel guilty for nourishing myself? I shouldn't! But that's ED for you. Always at me, always there. Last night I nearly broke down, grabbing at my legs, comparing myself to now from when I was at my skinniest. I feel disgusted in myself for doing so. What's skinny going to do for me? What will being skinny prove to myself and everyone else? Does starving myself mean I'm "in control"? It doesn't make sense. I've always been a very self conscious girl, but now, with ED, it's intensified and become a huge issue. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I see things no one else sees. The mirror lies, my eyes lie, my mind lies. All these lies, all these distortions of the truth. Why am I blind? Why am I seeing something that's not there, that no one else sees? 

It's bothered me for a long while now. And although I try to talk myself out of it, it's always there. ED, cackling away, calling me names. Why do I hold onto something that's only hurting me? It's like the destructive best friend, the bad influence your parents always warned you about. 

I want to accept myself for who I am and really appreciate the body I have. I've taken up yoga, to try and get... Well, comfortable with my body; become one with myself instead of the two conflicting minds I've developed. One of my mind's is enough, thank you! I don't need another one all up in my face, telling me things I don't want to hear and making me believe things I know within myself are not true.
Oh, the troubles one gets oneself into!

I'm trying to push myself into believing that healthy = beautiful! Not skinny = beautiful. I'm not naturally a 'skinny' person, and I need to learn to accept myself. I know I just said that but damnit it needs to be said again! I will convince myself that recovery is the path I need to take. Recovery is the only path.

I may never be a ballerina, I may never be a singer or a model, I may never be a Princess, but I am me. And that is all I could ever ask for.

"Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror."
"I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us. Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he? "

Today Is YOUR Day.

Yesterday was a good day. I saw my Dietitian/Nutritionist with Mum, and that usually goes horribly, but yesterday's session was quick and easy. She even said "And I didn't need to get out my new box of tissues! This is an improvement!" and we made a bit of a joke of that... Usually I end up crying, and last time Mum was the crier. Not many fond memories of that place.
To celebrate me doing well this week, Mum took me to the movies to see A Christmas Carol. I love Jim Carrey, and that movie was terrific... Literally. Not suitable for the little kiddies that went along! Even Mum and I jumped! (I'm not scared.. Really...!) We looked radical in our 3D glasses. But the movie was great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I wish I could say today has been good... But it hasn't. When the weather gets hot, Dad gets... Less like a Dad and more like a monster? He's rotten to be around, and I get stressed out so easily with him. Thumping around all the time, yelling at my little brother for the smallest things, getting in everyone's way and blaming everyone else for everything... And he's the one that gets all my food. So you can imagine I'm feeling pretty hostile towards him when he's acting like an ogre and not how a Dad should.
He's renovating our kitchen at the moment, and that means he's there at the most awkward times, which means my meals are usually always late, and as a lot of you would understand, being off-schedule meal-wise, can be a huge, huge stress-er. And it was so, today. At breakfast and morning tea. 

I feel so out of control around food... I mean, I know I'm not allowed to get any of my food, but I have certain ways of doing things... Like cooking my oats in the morning, or making my coffee/Sustagen, and he always screws up.

Ugh, what a bitch-fest!

Onto some better news. I got some yummy tea today!  Vanilla Green Tea. And oooooh momma, is it good! I'm sipping on it as we speak/as I write. I'm a tea fiend. Right now I'm also kickin' Liquorice Tea which is also equally delicious. I would happily bathe in tea. 

At the moment I've got a lot of expectations on me - I'm expected to finish two English assignments/essays this week, and Mum is holding the Year 10 Ball over me. She came up to me just before saying "I expect you to have your two English assignments done and completed by the end of the week, or I wont hesitate to cancel your hair and make up and nail appointments." I feel... Well, I know I need to do them otherwise I'll fail English, which would be the most shameful thing to have happen. I love English, it's my passion, but this year I haven't coped well... I've been in such a hole all year. I'm flying through Maths and Science and all my other subjects but English has been my downfall. I know I need to get this homework done but my head wont.. Allow me.

ED's not been helpful. You're going to fail anyway, there's no point. You're worthless, you're stupid, you wont be able to do any of it. Why bother? I want to push him out a window, I really do. I know I can do it, I just need to push myself to do it. But having the expectations hanging over me, it's making me stress with no real cause. It's there because it wants to be there - I think ED is trying to latch on to whatever he can, to ensure I don't do as well as I know Eleanor can. Because Eleanor can do well, because she has done well, exceptionally well, in previous years and other subjects. This is no different. ED can go and take a flying jump off a tall building, or I'll push him off.
I am so sick of his shit.

Now, I am going to go and read my magazine and indulge in another Green Tea. Because I can, because I want to, because I'm allowed to, and ED wont have any part of it. 

So there!

Love, love, love.

“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.”

So Excited I Forgot A Title!

I AM ALIVE. I MADE IT!
I do honestly not know how I made it through last night. My nerves were higher than sky high, my mind was in deep, dark places, which scared me. My palms were sweaty, my head throbbed, my chest was tight and my throat was dry. How did I get up on stage, and completely NAIL IT!?
I'm never usually a proud person, I'm never confident in myself or happy with my performance - we are our worst critics. But last night... When the curtain went down, I raised my arms up to the audience, as if to prove to them as well as myself that I accomplished something. I had absolutely no faith in myself whatsoever, but the relief that flooded through my veins was the biggest high I have ever had.
And you know what? I didn't let ED have any part of it. I did not let him ruin it for me. This was my night, Eleanor's night. ED didn't get a damn say in any of it! And in my nervousness, I accepted a tropical flavored piece of gum that I would normally have refused... And it tasted like gold should taste like. It was amazing. ED wasn't happy about that, at all. How many calories are in that thing!??! You fat-ass! But I ignored that mo-fo and had my piece of gum!

I wouldn't have been able to get up there last night if it wasn't from the support you girlies gave me. Your kind words honestly made me tear up... It was overwhelming the support you sent through to me last night. So thank you, thank you all so, so much.

You are all amazing, and I never want any of you to ever forget that.

Just a kick up the butt for ED.
And a reminder to all of us.

Doubts.

Doubts... That's the understatement of the year.
I don't think I'm going to make it tonight. At today's rehearsal, I completely flipped. I couldn't sing in tune at all, I couldn't hear myself at all, I couldn't keep up at all... I got off stage as soon as it was over and broke down - I was actually sobbing. I felt like crap, I sounded like crap, and I know I'll sound even worse tonight.
I know I'm not helping myself by putting this in words, because that only reinforces the negative thoughts, but I've convinced myself into believing I'm not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing you do is ever good enough, you never will be good enough. Says ED. That's all I heard today.
I was so angry. So angry at myself, and at ED, and at everything. At lunch, I didn't eat what I was supposed to. I had one of those Up-and-Go drinks in my bag that I wasn't going to have, along with the sandwich... But I forced myself into having that Up-and-Go. I forced myself. That was about 3 hours ago, and I still feel ill. ED kicked up a huge fuss - why did you do that! You didn't need it! You're going to get FAT FAT FAT. You are disgusting! A pig! I can already SEE your stomach/thighs/hips getting bigger!
That scared me so much. I thought I'd done the right thing by at least having something for lunch? I know I should've had more, I know that, but I had something I had convinced myself I wasn't going to have. I do feel sick, and ED is still kicking me over it, and it's really just too much.

I tried meditating. I tried, and it didn't work. I'm still trying to get my breath under control. I don't want to break down into tears again. I can't. I have to do this for myself, for my family, for my friends, for the 100+ people in the audience tonight...
But I need to get better, too. And not for anyone else but myself. I can't keep giving into this.

I'm just... Freaking out so bad, because this is exactly what happened last year, that was why all of this started happening... My restriction of food (although I was unconscious of it at the time), my rapid weight loss... I can't have a repeat again. I can't have a relapse... I feel like that's all I've been doing. Avoiding getting better - doing all that I can to ensure I don't get better. But why? What am I getting out of this? I'm constantly telling myself how much of a failure I am.  For the love of GOD! IM NOT A FAILURE. I just... Don't know who I am. You're no one, says ED. Fuck you, ED.
I can't stand being negative. I'm going to cop all the sickness after my meals, I'm going to eat all of my meals, regardless of what ED says. I'm not giving in to this shit any more. I need to be healthy...
But at times like this, I feel like crawling up into a ball and letting ED tell me it's all okay, he'll look after me, he'll make sure I'm not a failure.

But just look where that got me. 

I am so sorry for the negative post. I just don't know what I'm doing right now - trying to calm down isn't really doing it for me at the moment. 

I love you all. 

Every Which-Way.

I'm not really sure what I want to write at the moment - I'm a little light-headed and just... Well, out of it. It is so hot at the moment, 40 degrees or more. It's an absolute sweat fest! Not so glamorous.
I just came back from rehearsals for tomorrow night's performance. My God, that guitar teacher is a complete jerk. It was as if I wasn't even THERE. Hello, I'm singing? You can't have a band without a singer? He took control, and I was pretty much left there to sit on the steps until he called me up... Which was after about 10 minutes of him screwing around with the amplifiers and drum kit. I wanted to make him swallow the mic, honestly.
And to make my mood worse, I completely screwed up during the song! But I found out that wasn't my fault! Our guitarist played in the wrong key, and I fumbled because I was trying to sing in the right key... Oh, it was humiliating. 

Onto other news, though! Something positive came out of this!
(Warning: the following paragraph may upset those with weak stomachs)
This guy friend of mine, who I've had a crush on for years, was sitting next to me in the auditorium,  and he had his hand down around where my drink bottle was resting... I went to grab it and took hold of his hand by accident! And he didn't pull his hand away!....Well, it was more his pinky, but still! I held his hand! And he was like "It feels like you're a baby, holding onto my pinky" and I laughed but he kept holding on.
Oh, I'm about to hyperventilate. I'm such a fool!
(He really is gorgeous, though!)


I've got a psyche appointment in 2 hours, which I am really looking forward to. I haven't seen her in almost two weeks and I think I'm at tipping point. It's going to class with my meal times which is sort of stressing me out, but I'm trying to calm myself and convince myself that it's all going to be okay, there's nothing to stress about. ED hasn't been bad today, he's been in the back of my mind, which is where it should stay. Trying to keep the positive juices flowing...


Sorry about the rambling, I'm all over the place at the moment.

Remembrance Day

Thank you to all you wonderful, beautiful girls for the support you've given me! It really does mean the world to me, and I have taken all of your words and locked them up in my heart - they are constant reminders of who I am, and my goal, which is to be healthy and happy. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

~~~

 R.I.P.
Waffle 11/11/08
R.I.P.
Gypsy 4/11/09

Now, onto the reason behind my title. Today, the 11th day of the 11th month, we celebrate and commemorate the sacrifices made during The First World War.
But that's not the reason for my title.
On this day, last year, the family dog, Waffle, passed away. It honestly has not seemed like a year - and when I think back to that time, I realized that around this time is when the signs of my eating disorder came through and "blossomed", for want of a better word.
This day last year, I was in a daze. Waffle, dead? He can't be. He can't have done. He's not allowed to just leave like that... It's not fair.
Today, it has been a week since our other family dog, Gypsy, got put down. She developed cancer, but the symptoms never showed up until it was much too late to do anything.
This tore me up more than anything else. Last week was the worst week I've had in a long, long time. I lost weight, I cheated and lied and hid and threw away food more than I have ever done before.
I realize now that hurting myself isn't going to make anything better at all. That it will only make things worse, for myself and for everyone else.

I find it beautiful, in a sad way, that Gypsy passed away a week before Waffle's passing, last year. It's symbolic. It's tragic, and I'm in a mellow mood at the moment, but the love will always, always remain.

Remembrance Day has a completely different meaning for me. 

My Baby Girl Gypsy.

 

Our Little Waffle.

 

I will never forget you.

Rest In Doggie Heaven.

Scared.

I am having a minor freak out. I'm going to go and get weighed this morning. After a week of being completely control-less with my meals - having my parents deal with ALL of my meals - I'm terrified that I'll have put on a lot of weight. I'm scared to look at the scales at the doctors. I don't want to see a gain, but at the same time, I know I need that gain. I'm not healthy. I am no where near healthy, as much as ED is trying to tell me otherwise.
"You're not unhealthy, Eleanor. They want you to be fat, that's why they took your control away. They're trying to make you fat. You dont need to put on weight. If you have, you're a failure."

I don't want those thoughts! I know my perception of how I look is completely out. I wish in my heart of hearts that I could see what everyone else sees, and not see what ED makes me see: A big girl.

I am shaking, almost. I'm so nervous.
But I need this.

I'll post later in the day when I'm feeling a little less shaken.
Thank you to all of you beautiful girls, and your support. You truly are all incredible. 

"My definition of success is total self acceptance.  We can obtain all of the material possessions we desire quite easily, however, attempting to change our deepest thoughts and learning to love ourselves is a monumental challenge."
I don't know who quoted this, but it's amazing, and rings true.

Productive.

My ears are literally bleeding from band practice this morning. Drums, guitar, bass, my awful voice screeching at me from behind where the speaker is. I was surrounded by noise, noise, noise. Right up in my face. It goes to show how long it's been since I've played with a band. I miss it, sure. But it was a huge shock, being in that environment again. I love it, performing, singing, watching musicians in their zone, doing their thing... But I was so out of it, this morning. 

I'm still in a bit of a daze - I've had my Sustagen-ed coffee, and my morning snack, so I'm not so lightheaded, but I still don't feel normal. I feel like... I've been missing out. Really, I feel like I have denied myself of life. 

The lovely Nat said something that really hit home in a comment, about "meal times not being negotiable". It really rings true. I've been cheating myself, by throwing food away, sneaking it away... Denying myself the nutrients I need to be healthy. So I can HAVE a life again. By negotiating my meal times - by cheating - I'm not cheating anyone else but myself. I'm not damaging and hurting anyone else but myself. By cheating, I'm denying myself of life. I want to live! I wont let ED have this hold over me. I just wish it was that easy. But like that old, pain-in-the-ass-but-true saying goes "Easier said than done". Sigh.

I'm going to do something productive today. I really don't want my Dad to help me with my homework, but I cant keep avoiding these English assignments (there's not one, but three. Yep. Three). Avoiding them isn't going to make them disappear.
And what would you know, I just found a way to apply that to ED! Avoiding ED isn't going to make it disappear. Avoiding food isn't going to make ED disappear, it's going to make me disappear. And I don't want to. I want to live a long and happy and fulfilling life. ED can go and screw off - but for that to happen, I need to DEAL with the problem, not push it to the back of my mind (or in my English assignments cases, pushing it to the back of my very full desk). I can't run away from it, by forgetting about it. It's always there, and it always will be there until I get rid of it. And yes, we ALL know what has to be done to get rid of it. ED, I mean... And homework too, I suppose. It has to be dealt with.
So! With some positivity at the moment, from you lovely, supportive, inspiring girls, I'm going to go and deal with my issues. THAT MEANS YOU, ED!
...And you too, homework.

Overloaded!

Today was a full on day. The first full day of school I've been to in a long time. I'm exhausted, headachey, and the hot weather doesn't help much, either! ED was at me, all day. And all last night, too. I let it convince me into ditching some food, because I "had the chance". I know it isn't doing me any good! I know that! But I listened to that monotonous voice, I gave in.
I am disappointed. But I refuse to beat myself up over it because I know that's what ED wants. It wants me to give up, because there's no point, you're a failure. Shut up, ED. Only I am allowed to call me a failure, and I don't believe I am! 

This week is going to be hectic. We have a school performance coming up, this Friday night. Which means Thursday and Friday day will be spent rehearsing at the Arts Center. Which also means I have ample chance to miss out on meals. I can't lose weight, I don't want to lose weight. Not this week. The last time I lost weight, I had all my food preparation control taken away from me. I know that was for the best, but I really can't keep this up, being treated like a little child.
It's not just about loss of control, it's about my independence. But right now, obviously, I'm not doing too well in looking after myself. 

I'm just not looking forward to the busy-busy-busy that happens with school productions. I break, under stress. Being on stage, in front of an audience of people that are there to judge, whether they're conscious of it or not... Singing a song I don't feel confident singing, with a band I haven't rehearsed with in a long time. Oh, God.

I just had my monster yogurt mess. Nuts, dried fruit, and lots and lots of cinnamon and allspice. My stomach is still trying to adjust to the reintroduction of yogurt again. It's still a little unsure how to take it all... I don't want to feel sick, I hate this feeling! I just want to enjoy my food, feel satisfied. Not need to eat, but want to eat.
Oh, woe is me.

Enough moaning and woe-ing for one night.

P.S. I think starting this was the best thing I could have done. The support and care all you lovely girls show each other is so encouraging. It's overwhelming and inspiring, and I hope to give as much of that as possible.
Thank you. x

Expect the unexpected.

I DID IT. I DID IT.

I did the unexpected. I did something that I would normally not even think of doing.
I ate yogurt. Yes, I did.

That probably doesn't sound like much, but it was huge. I'd scared myself out of eating this food for so long now. But it definitely beats drinking Sustagen (a supplement drink) three times a day. 

To be honest, my stomach was doing flips afterwards, but it stayed down, where it belongs. In my tummy.

For some reason, I don't feel bad today. It was actually a pretty good day. Hot, boring, but not... Not good.
I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I ate a monster breakfast that would feed a family of seven for a week and three days, and that yogurt hasn't settled itself completely yet. But I didn't try, not once. I didn't throw a fit at the amount of food I had, not once.
I even gave my dad a kiss on the cheek and said "thank you", after I'd eaten my morning snack.

Something's changing.

Maybe I've realised that fighting with my parents doesn't benefit me in any way - it only leads to tears and hostility. I really don't want this to be hard, and I don't want it to be hard on my parents, either. Especially. I really, really hate seeing them hurt.

Tomorrow's going to be pretty big. I'm going to school for the whole day. I haven't done that for weeks now. I go for a session or two most days, but never all day. I've found part-time easier, but homeschooling does have its drawbacks. Dad and I don't always get along; I think it's because we're so similar. (Eep!)

I have the chance to cheat tomorrow, though. Which is what's scaring me. I could say that I've eaten my sandwich, I could say that I've eaten my morning snack... But I might not necessarily have eaten it. 

I want to prove to ED that I CAN do it, if I really want to. I can ignore him, I can do what's right, and not let his painful words seep their way into my logical frame of mind.
"You don't need to eat that. You had a big breakfast. No one will know... You can just tell them you ate your lunch. You're not missing out on anything."
I get so sick of his voice. It drives me insane, but I think I've done a good job today ignoring him!

I've been blabbing. I'm really full of emotions at the moment, and I don't know what to make of them.

Time to go and do something productive like homework, I think.
I really am freaking out about school...
I need to trust myself.

The First Day

Yes, I should be doing homework. But right now, I just honestly don't have the brain capacity or attention span to do anything apart from wallow.

Today's the first day, where things have changed. Action has been taken.
Action taken away from me, and into the hands of my parents. 

It's been miserable. It feels so abnormal, not getting my breakfast, not getting my snacks. Lunch was just consumed, which I had no control over, either. 

I'm not dealing with this too well. I think my sandwich was saltier than normal, due to a few dozen tears making their way onto my plate.

I know it's only going to get harder.

But I also know, that I am the reason why this has happened, why my parents have been forced to revert to treating me like an infant. Obviously I was cheating, because I wasn't putting on weight.  ED was happy about that. ED felt pleased when he saw the number had dropped. ED made me feel happy about the weightloss.
No, no, no!

Shut up, ED. 

Thanks to you, my parents are doing something they would much rather not do. Thanks to you, I hate them. I don't want to hate them. I can see how much this hurts, I can see how much they want to just make it all better. But they don't know how.

Oh, my thoughts are so irrational. I want my mind back.
And I know the only way I'll get my mind back is if I EAT.  Food is my medicine, like I said before.
 

There's no other way. I'll continue to bitch and complain to no end, no doubt. I can barely put up with myself! The sooner I go along with this without fighting, the sooner it will be over. If only it was that easy.  Things aren't meant to be easy.

But I am worth fighting for.

"Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth. Tame the dragon and the gift is yours."

Losing?

I want to start this now, before everything gets too hard.

I don't exactly know what I want out of this, except as a means of getting everything out of my head, away from me.
The blogs I've been reading, they've helped me more than words can express.
I think now's the time to start my own.
A documentation of my life, a record of me.
 

I’m losing my battle with Anorexia. ED has taken control of my thoughts and my actions, rendering me pretty much useless. I cheat, I lie, I hide things, I throw things away... I take advantage of every possible moment. If I can get away with not having this, not having as much of that, having less than what I need, I will.

I’m ruining myself.

Or rather, ED is making me ruin myself.

I'm conscious of what I'm doing, but at the same time, I'm not in the right frame of mind to stop myself, or put an end to it. I'm letting it happen.

I'm letting ED take the steering wheel, which happens to be my brain. 

A car needs fuel to go, right?

Sticking with my metaphor of a human being a car (not very imaginative), a body needs its fuel too. Which is food. A body needs food to function. Yes?

ED doesn't seem to think so.

A CAR DOESN'T RUN ON AIR, ED!

A HUMAN DOESN'T, EITHER!

When I cheat, I'm not cheating my Mum or my Dad, I'm cheating myself.

I'm letting myself down, I'm hurting myself.

My parents, they hurt, too. They're hurting because they can't stop me from hurting myself.

They aren't the ones trying to hurt me, like ED tries to tell me.

They are helping me.

Them intervening, them taking away the control I don't have, but ED has. ED doesn't like that, therefore I don't like it.

But I need it.

ED's trying to tell me my parents hate me, they're trying to make me fat and miserable. They're trying to make my life Hell.

No. What's making my life a living Hell is my eating disorder, yet I'm clinging to it like I need it.

I don't need it. I don't want it.

But I'm not letting go.

I... depend on ED.

My house is going to be just like the hospital was. I wont be cooking dinner anymore, I wont be making my breakfast anymore, I wont be organising my snacks.

I wont have any say about food. 

Do I need it? Yes.

Do I want it? No.

I'm losing the battle.

My parents are my soldiers, fighting for my life.

They're not fighting against me, but against ED.

They're fighting with me.

I'm going to hate them. I know I am. This week is going to be the hardest week I've ever had.

Not just for me, but for them, too.

I'm not ready for it, but I have no choice.

And maybe that's what's best right now.

This is my medicine.