And The Rules Are...

...There are no rules!

Living life under guidelines, restrictions, codes, oaths, rules, whatever... is not living. Having to do certain things, and not do other things, takes the fun out of, well, everything. The rules we've set up in our minds, they serve no purpose. The only thing we are achieving by following these rules is an unhappy, unhealthy lifestyle, devoid of anything remotely enjoyable.
Don't do this, don't do that. Do this, do that. Or else!
Or else what, though? What would happen if we were to bend the rules, or completely ignore them? What would really happen? Would we... Lose? But lose what? Lose control? We have no control. We are being controlled. These rules we've set up are what is controlling us. ED's voice is being spoken through these rules.

Rules are different to laws. Laws are written down in a book, and they are there for legal, moral and ethical reasons. Rules, however, aren't so important. Sure, there are the sensible ones like "Don't run by the pool" or "Be quiet in the Library", but that's common sense. Rules are much simpler - they're put in place to ensure that there is order and control - no confusions, no disruptions, no disfunction. The rules we put in place, though, aren't common sense rules, they don't have any sort of "order" about them at all. Hence, Disordered Eating. Our rules disrupt the order of our lives, creating disorder and disfuncion and loss of control, in our minds, our brains, our bodies, our emotions and our mentality. We aren't functioning, we don't have order. The rules we put in place to have "control" have been severely misinterpreted; we lost the control we were trying to gain.

I'm probably blabbering, but this issue has been on my mind a lot, lately. I am, as always, in two minds about the gaining weight business. (The inevitable gaining weight business, might I add.) My upcoming Nutritionist appointment on Saturday (after a month of not seeing her) has triggered these conflicting thoughts and now, unfortunately, I'm on a downward spiral. The one part of me wants to gain weight, so I can start getting my life back together and stop having to go to theseNutrition appointments. The other part of me doesn't want to gain weight, as it's seen as a failure. These two conflicting thoughts are so, so similar, that I honestly can't determine which voice is mine and which is not. It is almost as if the two thoughts are one, the two voices are one. Slowly, I'm becoming more intrenched in this Disorder, and losing Eleanor.
That's where the whole order and control comes into it. This is Eleanor's mind, Eleanor's body, Eleanor's life. So, one would assume that I can control these negative thoughts and order them away, instead of being controlled and ordered by them. An incorrect assumption, sadly. If only it was that easy.

I was supposed to have a Therapy session today, but I didn't end up going to see my Therapist. Instead, I had a sort-of therapy appointment at home, with my Dad. The conversation I had with him could not have gone any better. And that, in all honesty, shocked me. Everything I said, was everything I was going to say in Therapy. Everything I wanted was everything I got. And that has blown me away.
In my previous post, (I think?) I talked about not being listened to or understood by my parents. But I could not have been more off the mark. Dad said something to me that brought a whole fresh, new, salty batch of tears around... Tissue boxes are good to have on hand in moments like these. (Snotty and gross, I know.)

Without further adiue, what Papa Bear said:

"This disorder reminds me of the Abusive Spouse situation."
(I was dumb-founded at this. My head screamed "He understands!")
"You're in a relationship, and you love your partner, regardless of the pain, both physically and mentally, they bring to you. You become dependent on them. You become a part of them, and they a part of you. The thought of leaving them has crossed your mind but it scares you too much to ever think of again, as you can't comprehend your life without them. You put up with their abuse because it's you, it's your life."

Of course, he said this in a much more proper, understandable way. But that was the main gist of it. Now, girls... What was that I was saying about my parents not understanding me...?
I can't put in to words how much this helped me. Obviously it hasn't just made everything better - ED is still here and still in every corner, every nook and cranny - but it has definitely helped immensely. My Dad knows, in his own way. Of course he doesn't understand exactly what goes on in my head, but that's a given. It's that he can compare it to something that I myself have compared it to!

Today, I've probably confused you, and myself, much more than I should have. And if you made it this far, again, you deserve a medal and a big gold star... Maybe one on Hollywood Boulevard, too! But really... There are so many thoughts in my head, all at once, all the time, that it's hard to make sense of them all. Having you girls here to see me through and help me to make sense of these thoughts has helped me more than I can say, and I wish there were words to express my love, gratitude and appreciation.
Without you all,  I wouldn't be where I am today. Cliche, I know, but too true.

...Sorry, Chuck.

Instead of following the "guidelines" ED has tried to make us follow, let's colour outside of the lines.

love, love, love.