Dates.

New Year's Day, I've come to realize, is the same as any other day. Any given day only comes once - when it's over, it's gone. There's no going back, there's no re-doing things you think you did wrong, there's no 'fixing things up' and making things 'right'. New Year's Day, yes, is a changing of a year, but tomorrow, that will be a changing of a year, too. It depends on where you start.

New Years brings promise of change, betterment, improvement. But why? Why shouldn't every day bring promise of change, betterment and improvement? Today, the first day of the "New Year", was no different to any other day. Infact, I felt disappointed. I'd set myself up, expected something to instantaneously change, though I did say to myself I wouldn't. The starting of a new year didn't rid me of the thing that plagues my mind, my body, my soul... My life. I know that it is unreasonable, irrational and just plain stupid to have that thought in the back of my mind, the expectation that somehow, miraculously, everything would just be better, because 2009 - one of the worst years of my short life - was over. I no longer had to live with the fact that I lessened my chances of a good life in 2009, the responsibility of that wasn't over my head anymore. But I was wrong. I am wrong.

Today, like any other day, that voice wreaked havoc through my head. Screaming, throwing tantrums, carrying on, howling abuse and insults. Fat, ugly, worthless, useless, a waste, a mess. That's not right! I thought. It's 2010, you're supposed to be gone. But no.
Things got so bad today. While I was out with my mother, trying to enjoy time with her, I fell victim to the abuse. Your thighs are rubbing together, you fat cow. How could you let this happen to you? I voiced this to my mother, in less harsh words, but she threw it off, not paying attention, or showing any sign of caring. I don't know how these thoughts came into my mind, but they snuck in when I was vulnerable. Five minutes earlier I had been laughing and blushing over a cute boy who smiled at me. Like a switch that had been flicked, my light went out, and darkness engulfed me. Attacked in the dark, at my weakest. My weakest, just so happens to be when I'm happy. ED is a monster.

I have realized a lot. Actually, I am always realizing things. And sometimes it's frustrating, because though realize these things, they somehow don't apply to me? But this, I will apply to me, as I will try to apply all of my realizations.
No matter what the date is, what the time is, how light or dark it is, where you are or what you are doing, you are living. In and out of your lungs, around and through your veins, flows life. And no matter what the date is, what the time is, how light or dark it is, where you are or what you are doing, you have choice. This minute, the minute before, the minute after, only ever comes once. What we do with those minutes of our lives is our choice. ED may plague our minds, and envelope us in a little dark box you can barely call life, but we have ourselves, too. Our minds, however masked by and full of ED, have the ability to see through the mask, and get past the blockage. Self-talk, not to ED, but to ourselves. Positive self-talk. Encouraging ourselves, motivating ourselves, influencing ourselves... Engaging ourselves in positive thinking. At the start of this post, I was a mess, I was in a negative hole full of EDs bullshit (excuse the French), and I was not happy. I made the choice to listen to EDs idiocy, but again, I made the choice to listen to Eleanor. My positive side. The side that matters.

Girls, my words may be all over the place, and my ideas might be a huge pile of mess (much like the state of my room...) but hopefully some of what I've said makes sense.
My main message is, be it New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, or the 17th day of the fourth month of 2045, we have the opportunity to change our lives and head in the right direction. I know that "right" is seen differently in everyone's minds, but what I mean by "right direction" is towards the life you want to live, the life you dreamt of living as a child, the life you invisioned yourself being in. Where you are happy, healthy, in love with your surroundings, where you can love yourself and accept yourself and appreciate you for the beautiful person you are. We can all set goals, and resolutions on New Year's Eve/Day, but we can all set goals today, tomorrow, or in seventy-two days time. We are in control of our lives.

I'm going to be very outright here, and abnormally forthcoming. Now I know I haven't known you for all that long, and I know we have our differences and maybe we weren't meant to 'be'... But girls, would you like to go on a date with me, into living?

Love, love, love.