Living Dead... Ranger?

Two hours of sleep.
In 48 hours.
This is what it must feel like to be a zombie.
Oh, wait. I am a zombie.

Last night was supposed to be an awesome night. It was supposed to be a night that I could forget about everything and just be Eleanor, with no attachments, no clingers-on, no invading thoughts. Last night I spent the night at boy-crush's house, and while it was great, it wasn't great great. We watched violent movies, inappropriate movies and movies that made me cry/laugh/angry/happy/sad/furious/crazy/want-to-drink-so-much-beer (which I didn't mind you, it was just in the movie!). I spent time with someone I loved, I slept in his bed (no, nothing happened!) and I stayed up until 4 in the morning, by his side the whole night. But someone else was by my side the whole night, too. And all morning. And throughout the remainder of the day.
I got up, and I looked in the cupboards for something to have for breakfast. ED took complete advantage of the opportunity to skip, so I cut up and apple and had that. No, I didn't have the strength to eat "different bread", or "different cereal", to what I am used to. I wanted to have the strength to do it, but I failed, and I am so disappointed in myself because of it. I copped out. To make matters worse, I did it at morning snack, too. ED prayed on my vulnerable state and decided to cop out on having my usual snack, which I'd brought along with me. Something strange did happen, though. I had a bit of a turn around when I came home. I got picked up relatively early, and I still had my snack in my bag. All through the morning, ED was taunting me with it. "It's there... Waiting... but you can't have it. But you could have it... You just wont. Will you? No, you wont. No one will know! This is good!" Finally, it got too much, and when I came home, I whipped out my snack and started eating it, but ED jumped in half way through... Needless to say, only half a snack was consumed.
I missed out on my supplement drink at breakfast because I couldn't bring it (it's in powder form), and ED was rejoicing about that, too. But at lunch time, I asked my Mum to make up my drink (that I was goign to have with lunch anyway) to sort of make up for my missed breakfast supplement. Then I said "Mum, put three scoops in, instead of two. That'll make up for some of what I missed out on."
I guess the guilt was sort of playing up in me, rising up against ED. My conscience was trying to make an appearance, and that amazed me! So that was a bit of a turn-around.

I know I'm rambling, but today wasn't what it was supposed to be. ED was big. ED was strong. ED is still big, and ED is still strong, right now. Dinner was half-assed, so was afternoon snack. All in all, today has been a bad day. I'm feeling so... Well, conflicted. I feel guilty, but then ED makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel ashamed, then ED makes me feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. ED tries to tell me that today was a good day, that my "non-breakfast" was a good choice... ED was trying to comfort me, and I've been swaying towards it and away from it. Like I'm on a swing. I go up... Then back... up... then back... A pendulum. I'm not settling anywhere, I just keep bouncing off bad and good.

Today's been a fight between Good and Evil, and I'm somewhere in the middle. Or rather, I'm the something in the middle that Good and Evil are fighting for. Which in other circumstances might be flattering. But when I'm fighting with myself, over myself, the only thing I can call this is Hell.

To be honest, I don't really even know what I'm saying. ED's dictated my food choices today, and ED's pretty much been in my every thought today. Although my eats haven't been near good enough, I've eaten a lot of fruit. And ED's been playing up in that department."You've been eating all day. You haven't stopped eating. You failure..." Yada-yada-ya. I haven't done any form of physical activity today either, and the "fat" thoughts are starting to strengthen. I can feel them welling up inside and at some point they're going to have to find a way out. Anxiety is on the rise, too. Tomorrow I'm spending a few hours at a friend's "Birthday Brunch", which yes, means food. Cue ED's uproar. "So much food that you can't eat."

I really don't know what I'm doing, what I'm saying, or what I should do. My confidence, self-esteem and self-worth have been stomped into the ground. They are where ED should be, and believe me, I want nothign more than to stomp ED so far into the ground  so that there's no chance of him ever seeing the light of day again. So that there's no chance of him taking hold of my heart, so that there's no chance of him taking control of my mind, so that there's no chance of him abusing my body.
I want this to be over. But I also feel to weak to do anything about it. My mind is tired. It wants to rest. I want to rest. But if I rest, I know ED will take over me completely. So in a way, I am the living dead. I'm only ever half-sleeping, because the other half of me is trying to stay on guard, keeping me safe from attacks. But the exhaustion is overwhelming sometimes and I lose total control, and the feeling when ED takes control is almost one of relief.

Oh, girls, I am so sorry. I look back on what I've written and I am so deeply shamed. I need to get it out, I need to voice it. But it hurts to do so, because I almost don't want to admit to these awful things. I feel so useless, but that feeling of uselessness (a word?) is also somewhat a motivator. I hate being useless... And what counteracts uselessness? Being useful! I'm going to help my body, I'm going to help my mind, I'm going to help my heart. And that equals nourishing my body, to nourish my mind, to nourish my heart.
...I'm getting a real weird Power Rangers feeling at the moment... But you know how they can all "Unite" and become one? Well, I guess that's what I'm saying. I'm going to unite all the separate pieces of me, of Eleanor, and I am going to work them in sync. I'm going to

make me one again.

Real Power Rangers moment, there.
I think they call this an Epiphany. Or a half-epiphany. Oh well, anything will do for now!

love, love, love.