I don't know how I'm supposed to be feelign right now.
All day, ED hasn't been as pronounced as usual. Recently I've been eating out of my "meal times". Today I are more than I "have to". And I don't know how to feel.
Should I be feeling guilty? Where's ED, throwing abuse at me? Or is ED already here?
Should I be feeling elated? Where's the "pride", that's supposed to come with doing something challenging?
Should I regret what I've done? Was it right to eat those extra dried fruit pieces and that extra teaspoon of PB?
Where is ED?
Is this my voice screaming at me? Or is it EDs, in disguise? Am I feeling guilty? Am I full of regret?
Should I be feeling guilty? Where's ED, throwing abuse at me? Or is ED already here?
Should I be feeling elated? Where's the "pride", that's supposed to come with doing something challenging?
Should I regret what I've done? Was it right to eat those extra dried fruit pieces and that extra teaspoon of PB?
Where is ED?
Is this my voice screaming at me? Or is it EDs, in disguise? Am I feeling guilty? Am I full of regret?
I think this is confusion. It has to be it. I've done something I wouldn't normally do, and my voice is getting confused with EDs voice. I don't know where Eleanor is, I don't know what Eleanor is thinking. But neither do I know where ED is, or what ED is thinking. Lurking in the background? Plotting to pounce when the opportunity arises?
Everything is everywhere. My mind is in pieces. I don't feel... Real. I don't feel here. I feel... Numb.
Why? Why is this happening? Is this ED? Is this Eleanor? Is this what's supposed to happen? Where am I going? What am I doing? Where should I go? What should I be doing?
Why? Why is this happening? Is this ED? Is this Eleanor? Is this what's supposed to happen? Where am I going? What am I doing? Where should I go? What should I be doing?
This isn't nice.
I am sorry, my lovelies. I do not mean to be in such a way.
I'm a question-asker and a demanding one at that. I need answers but the answers might not be what I want to hear. I don't know what I even want to hear, or if I want to hear anything at all.
Confused is something I have been too often. Uncertainty is a feeling I am all too familiar with.
Not company I want to keep.
I'm a question-asker and a demanding one at that. I need answers but the answers might not be what I want to hear. I don't know what I even want to hear, or if I want to hear anything at all.
Confused is something I have been too often. Uncertainty is a feeling I am all too familiar with.
Not company I want to keep.
love.
10 comments:
Eleanor!
Extra dried fruit and a spoonful of PB!? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let you feel an ounce of regret :) You deserve it.. and your body needs it.
ED can shove it.
Words cannot describe how proud I am of you! You are still powering through in your recovery despite all this confusion! You, my beautiful and amazing friend, have the upper hand here, even though it might not feel that way. You have gotten so much stronger than you even realize - a month ago you would have used this uncertainty as a means to restrict... not now.
Not ever again :)
Anticipating the guilt makes sense if you think about it - We are so used to being taunted and insulted daily by ED, and it's unnerving when he shuts up. Slowly but surely ED's voice is getting quieter and Eleanor's is getting louder... a little bit of confusion is to be expected :)
I am sending clarity your way, my beauty :)
love you tons <3
xox Tat
sounds to me like Ed took the day off, and that Ed hasn't taken the day off in ages so it feels quite foreign. its a new feeling, when there isn't something constantly beating you up for your every move.
even though you may not feel real right now, remember that you are, and you always will be real. you don't need Ed to be real, he does not define you.
there isn't anything you should be doing, you just need to figure out what you want to do. what does eleanor want? sure you may not know the answer now, but that's what life's about, figuring out what you want.
stay strong beautiful, the extra dried fruit & pb is amazing, don't forget that!
thinking of you
xoxo
eleanor,
i can't begin to tell you how significant this is for you. that extra food? your body is THANKING you right now! for the first time in ages, you have successfully pushed ED to the wayside, and i promise the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal! i went through the same kind of thing a few months ago. this is just one of the first steps in getting rid of ED. unfortunately, things will get worse before they get better, i'm not going to sugarcoat anything for you. you are going to question yourself and ED is going to desperately try to hang on. but this is where you HAVE to find your strength and fight it. you need to step out of you comfort zone, do things you used to love, and find yourself again. i promise, EVERY OUNCE OF EFFORT IS WORTH IT! when you realize that you feel like yourself again, ED is SO much easier to just say "screw you" to. but, you have to be so strong. you will cry and you will question what your body is doing and what ED is telling you...but you have to fight it girl. i know you have the strength in you. look how far you have come already! and whether you realize it now or not, this is amazing for you. eleanor is coming back out and wants to be recognized, but ED is overshadowing still. that extra pb and dried fruit? it's fuel for eleanor. eleanor can not fight ED without it. think of that extra food as ED's kryptonite. i know you will feel like you are leaving a part of your life behind when you leave ED, but that is also normal, although is seems so sick and twisted. but leaving a part of you (unfortunately) behind that has been with you for so long is sad almost. it takes a tremendous amount of courage to leave that comfort behind and start eleanor's new life. take life step by step dear, and life will give you so much more than you ever expected :)
so eat that extra pb and dried fruit, and go do something you love to do! do anything that will bring eleanor to the surface!
much love girl, i'm thinking about you...
♥ lindsey
I feel like this all the time, so I am not sure what to say to you in the event of these thoughts, but you are a strong girl and you WILL get through this! -Kylee
sweetie i feel this all the time. there is NO reason for you to feel any regret! you deserve the world--and an extra spoon a PB. THREE EVEN! I love you so much and you do not deserve to feel guilty ever. This is an accomplishment. ED is finally letting you loose to test the waters. He may return, he may not. But take advantage of this time to yourself to feel good and do the things you want to do :]
love you
becca
Good for you! You should definitely not feel regret or guilt or any of those things! I too have these days when ED seems to vanish for no apparent reason. It used to scare me because I would feel that maybe all the other struggles I'd had weren't real and that I didn't really have a problem. But now I've learned to treat it as a gift. A chance to get ahead while ED has gone on it's little vacation to wherever. So that if and when it does come back, I'll be that much more able to fight it. You are strong and beautiful and you deserve to eat what you want when you want and not worry about eating outside your plan if you feel like it!
Eating more! Hun, I'm so proud of you!
I think it's normal to feel a little confused. We've been under the influence of our ED thoughts for so long, that when they're no longer screaming at us, we feel off...
But that's when we find ourselves. That's the real you... it's coming out of hiding and being careful and timid, hence the lack of elation. But the more you let yourself out, the more you'll reconnect with that girl, and the more the true you will start to shine.
Stay strong, love... You have all our support in this and I know you can do it.
Hi Darling!
I believe I completely understand the numbness and confusion you feel. I found though that after waiting it out, it led to great, positive things. It meant ED was slowly backing off.
Thinking about you darling!
bec xo
hey eleanor! i havent commented in a while because i sort of had blog difficulties but ive been reading! you are such a strong amazing person and you should party it up because you had a little more pb or a little more fruit! your telling ed that you are in control not him... and he hates it- but you should love it(: ed is a meanie and eleanor is the best <3 your doing a fabulous thing here and it will all be sooo great by the end!
xoxox
soph
Hey Eleanor--I just came across your blog and I wanted to tell you that you and your writing are beautiful! When I read The Sun Will Always Rise post, I felt like I was reading the first page of a novel. Amazing!
I know constantly fighting with ED is not easy, but when you get down, remember how beautiful, talented and amazing you are! Though it won't be a cake walk to get where you're going, I promise you that once you come out on the other side you will have a lifelong appreciation for what it means to truly live!! Not many people can say that. I'm a living testament to that and I want you to know that it's totally possible, especially if you're open to the change, which I can see you are!!
best of luck in your journey. and when Ed gets you down, remember how much cooler you are than him!!
xoxo
Melissa
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