Whoever makes it through this will recieve a medal.

My heart is in a flutter and my stomach is doing flips. My insides are, in a word, doing gymnastics. Fluttering hearts are usually caused by a special someone, you know, the one you get goo-goo-eyed over, the one who makes you weak at the knees, the one that's on your mind more often than is deemed normal. Same goes for the tummy butterflies.

Yes, that is partly why my organs are dancing. I'm being visited in less than an hour by a boy who has my heart, but unfortunately

1) is too stupid to realize that and

2) considers me a "best mate".
Oh, and 3) probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to "be" with him, anyway.
I need someone who has half a brain, let's just say.

Anyway. That is partly the reason for my heart in my throat and my stomach in my chest. (Imagine that... Wait, no, please don't.) The other reasons are not so ooey-gooey.

Next week, on the 1st of February, my life changes. A whole new lifestyle, a whole new environment, a whole new world, in a sense. The 1st of February is my first day as a Year 11 student, and to say the least, I am freaking out of my mind. The concept of "new", "change", "different". It terrifies me. I don't want to change, I don't want anything new, I don't want different. I like this consistency I've built up. I want to stay the same, where I'm comfortable. Comfort doesn't come into the equation, unfortunately. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the work-load, the stress, the anxiety, the exams, the expectations. And in trying to prepare myself for that, I'm becoming even more terrified and more unprepared that ever. Everyone: my parents, my teachers (from last year), my friends, my Dietician and Therapist all think I'll benefit from it so much, and that I'll be fine. It's a shame I'm not on the same wave length, because I believe the total opposite.

Rationally I know that if all I do is think negatively about my school year, the outcome will be negative. But that's the thing; rationality has deserted me for the moment and irrational thoughts have taken up residence in my head.

I'm going to be surrounded by so many people that I don't know. What am I going to say to them? What are they going to think of me? I get the feeling I'm going to be picked apart. That I have to be a certain person to fit the criteria of what's deemed "acceptable" and what's "not acceptable". I want to fit in, but the only way I'll be able to fit in, in ED's books, is if I'm skinny. The only way I'll ever get anywhere in life is if I'm skinny enough. What even is skinny enough!?
= Social isolation has caused me to crawl in on myself.

At school, my days start at 9am and wind up at 3:35pm. That means Morning Snack and Lunch are in my hands. It's down to me whether I eat them or not. Having that burden over my head is weighing me down so much that my nose is almost scraping the ground. ED's voice is squashing my face flat. "Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat. No one will know! You don't need it! You'll get fat. People will think you're fat! Dirty! Disgusting!" It's taking all of my energy to drive those thoughts out of my head - the expectation being put on me is huge, and I want to be able to do it, I want to be able to trust myself to get through my day without throwing out food and lying to my parents. In lying to my parents I'm lying to myself. Cheating myself. I need to be able to trust myself. I can't afford not to. How do I expect to get anywhere in life when I can't trust myself?

And that's a whole 'nother problem. Life. Where is my life going? Where am I being lead? Where am I leading myself?

I have absolutely no idea what direction I want to take. I have so many interests that I wind up with absolutely no clue in what I'm really passionate about. I could do this or I could do that or I could do this and that... Confusion, anxiety, uncertainty and an unimaginable amount of stress is cramming itself against the walls of my brain, and I'm afraid of what will happen when it all gets too much.

I know school is going to be stressful. I know I'm going to be overwhelmed. And I know that I've got help from so many people. But I keep questioning how exactly I'm going to cope with it, regardless of all the help and support I'll have. The uncertainty is what is killing me most of all. All of this knowing is useless because I just don't know what's going to happen. I need to know, I need it to feel secure. Without consistency I can't function, and this year is going to be anything but consistent.
And on top of all of this, ED is woven itself into the tapestry that is and will be my life.

My greatest fear is that, under all of this pressure, stress and anxiety, I'll relapse.

I'm trying, so damn hard, to keep that thought out of my head. "It's not going to happen", I keep telling myself. But there's the "what if, what if, what if..." whispered softly into my ear, constantly. I can’t get rid of it. It’s the mark of ED, and I know this. I also know that the only way to get rid of these thoughts is to prove them wrong. But again, the what if’s play their soft little tune and I’m lulled into a waking nightmare, one that I can’t escape from.

I cannot stand being so negative, but I've worked myself up into this tight little ball of anxiety and my will to move forward is dwindling. I've almost reached the point of wanting to just curl up into my box and be comforted by what I know, and is safe.
But Eleanor knows that that lifestyle isn't safe. The only way I'll ever be confident and sure of myself is if I crush that box. I can't afford to lose more of my life to ED. I've got so much ahead of me, so much. I don't want to waste my life on something that only hurts me.

I'm sorry to be so down at the moment, my beautiful girls.
It's you that get me through my days, you know? Your support, your kind, heartfelt words. I've never felt anything as strong and powerful as this, and without you... Well, I don't want to think about that.

You give me confidence, when I lack it. I can't thank you all enough for the love, life and spirit you've brought into my life.

Our path is a long one, but it doesn't have to be a lonely one.
Let's walk it together.

love, love, love.