The Day After.

Here I am. Still alive. Who knows how but I managed to get through Christmas - I was faced with a few problems though, unfortunately.
I woke up in the early morning, looked at the time, and snuggled back into my blankets, knowing full well that those were the last few seconds I'd have them wrapped around me. My body was telling me to get up, so I dragged myself out of bed. "Oh." I said. "It's Christmas." Notice the lack of exclimation ! marks, leaps of joy, cries of happiness? Yeah. I wasnt overjoyed. Not to say I wasn't happy that it was Christmas, because I was! But it didn't feel like Christmas. The feel of it was lacking. Nonetheless, I smiled, and started my day with some yoga. To be honest, I wasn't really that nervous about the day awaiting me. Foodwise, I was to be doing what I normally do, because that's what I felt comfortable with.
When the rest of my family awoke, we began the present-unwrapping! That was hilarious, and we all did very well this year! I was smiling, laughing - I was happy. I was Eleanor. But then I got hit by an absolute killer of a pain through my whole stomach. I was bloated, in pain, and I couldn't even face myself in the mirror. I completely broke down in my room, crying and everything, and I had no idea why. It was like ED was punishing me for being happy and not paying any attention to him. Rather than making me feel sorry for myself, I felt mad. Mad, that I couldn't have a day free of worries and stresses. I couldn't just have a day, one day, where I was allowed to smile and laugh and be happy - surrounded by the people I love and doing the things I love doing. ED didn't allow me that - he had to ruin the day.
But despite that little slip-up, I battled on and through. We sat down to lunch, and my parents allowed me some wine. And wow. It was good wine, to say the least! I've never had experience with alcohol, and I had about one and a half standard drinks. I was tipsy! After that! But it was crazy fun. I felt light, I felt free, I felt like there was nothing to worry about. Short-lived, yes, but it was a nice experience. Not something I'd do all the time, mind you. I'm glad I did it, though. And not once did the "calories" in the wine cross my mind. I was doing this for me, not for ED.

However, my stomach continued to give me trouble, more than I've experienced in a long, long time. ED decided to take advantage of this... I wasn't feeling up to consuming the usual amount of food I eat on any other day, and ED persuaded me into talking my parents out of  me having my usual meals and snacks. I had about half of what I was supposed to have, and ED was elated. I didn't know what I was feeling. I did kick him in the butt today, though, by having more that what I needed to. I've always had trouble with having "extras", but today I managed a little something, and you know what? I enjoyed it.

I may not have had the gingerbread I made, and I may not have had the cheeses, the dips, the pastries and the meat Mum served at Christmas lunch, but I didn't freak out about anything food related. I know I gave in to ED, and I know that I shouldn't just let that slide, but I was convinced that my Christmas was going to be a disaster. And I'm proud and happy to say that my Christmas wasn't a disaster.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about everything right now - my mind is still getting back into the swing of things. I'll do a proper and less 'messy' post tomorrow!

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas, nothing less than exceptional. Because you all deserve happiness and joy, and you all have the right to smile and laugh.
You are all so beautiful, inside and out. ED might make an unwanted appearance at the most inconvenient of times, and ED might try to destroy any speck of happiness you muster up, but you are all so strong, and you all have the strength to fight back.
Christmas is a time for joy, yes. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy any other day. You deserve to be in the best of spirits, all day, every day.

The best gift I recieved was your love and support.

Love, love, love.