"...Who is staring back at me?"
Trying on clothes is fun. Getting undressed in front of four big mirrors and not being able to figure out who's looking back at me, however, isn't.
Is someone else in my changeroom!?
I've been having trouble lately in accepting who I am, or rather, figuring out who I am. I can feel the changes in my body, and I can see them. But I can't see Eleanor. I don't know if who I'm looking at in the change-room mirrors of department stores is Eleanor, or ED's depiction of Eleanor.
Blue eyes? Yep, they're definitely mine.
Short, spikey hair? Check. Mine too.
But those huge thighs and arms, that big butt, that bloated stomach, whose are they? Because I didn't think they were mine!
What I'm seeing in the mirror, and what I'm seeing when I look down at this body... I can't figure out if what I'm looking at is the true vision, or a false image.
But whosever body I'm in, whatever it "looks like" to others, I'm not comfortable in it.
And I'll be damned if someone else is in the change-room with me.
Trying on clothes is fun. Getting undressed in front of four big mirrors and not being able to figure out who's looking back at me, however, isn't.
Is someone else in my changeroom!?
I've been having trouble lately in accepting who I am, or rather, figuring out who I am. I can feel the changes in my body, and I can see them. But I can't see Eleanor. I don't know if who I'm looking at in the change-room mirrors of department stores is Eleanor, or ED's depiction of Eleanor.
Blue eyes? Yep, they're definitely mine.
Short, spikey hair? Check. Mine too.
But those huge thighs and arms, that big butt, that bloated stomach, whose are they? Because I didn't think they were mine!
What I'm seeing in the mirror, and what I'm seeing when I look down at this body... I can't figure out if what I'm looking at is the true vision, or a false image.
But whosever body I'm in, whatever it "looks like" to others, I'm not comfortable in it.
And I'll be damned if someone else is in the change-room with me.
I'm starting to fill out my shorts and jeans more now, and I honestly don't know what to think of that. When I look in the mirror, I see things I don't want to see, things I shouldn't see. And that blistering voice in my head - that is certainly not my own - attacks. How could you let yourself go like that, Eleanor? How could you look so fat, Eleanor? Why did you let this happen, Eleanor? No one will love you, now that you look like this. Look like what? I DONT KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
This has been stressing me out for far too long. Gone are the days of "Damn I look good in this"; they've been replaced by negative thoughts. ED says it, and the mirror proves it. I look fat, I look bad, I look gross. Negative affirmations.
Rationally, I know this can't be right. I hate the word fat. It's such a derogitory term; but I guess ED uses that as an advantage. I've been made to believe so many lies about myself by ED, then told the opposite by parents and friends and specialists; it's gotten me absolutely nowhere. I don't know who or what to believe. But the mirror doesn't lie, right? If the mirror shows me as big and bloated and carrying loads of excess fat, then it must be "me"?
Rationally, I know this can't be right. I hate the word fat. It's such a derogitory term; but I guess ED uses that as an advantage. I've been made to believe so many lies about myself by ED, then told the opposite by parents and friends and specialists; it's gotten me absolutely nowhere. I don't know who or what to believe. But the mirror doesn't lie, right? If the mirror shows me as big and bloated and carrying loads of excess fat, then it must be "me"?
I don't feel comfortable in my clothes, because I don't feel comfortable in my body. My body is a vessle: it takes me from place to place; it keeps me alive; it gives me breath, smell, sight, hearing; it allows me to do the things I love, it allows me to feel. So why am I abusing it? Why am I unable to see what it actually looks like? Why can't I appreciate it for what it is, what it does, how beautiful it is?
This self-hate, this self-loathing, this abuse both mentally and physically is tiring. You know the saying "It takes more muscles to frown than to smile"? Applies to this, too: It takes so much more energy to hate than to love. It takes so much more energy to abuse than to care for. It takes so much more energy to be negative than to be positive.
This self-hate, this self-loathing, this abuse both mentally and physically is tiring. You know the saying "It takes more muscles to frown than to smile"? Applies to this, too: It takes so much more energy to hate than to love. It takes so much more energy to abuse than to care for. It takes so much more energy to be negative than to be positive.
The vicious cycle has to stop. Walk past a mirror => body-check => uncomfort => dissatisfaction => hate => misery => hate => misery => hate => misery.... You get the picture. I'm working myself into a hole, and that hole is getting deeper and deeper. It's only going to get deeper the longer this goes on. I need to learn to appreciate my body, and accept it for what it is, whatever "it" is. Maybe I can't see who Eleanor is at the moment, but that's because ED is in the forefront of my mind - ED's the driving force behind this self-hate. My mind is a vessle for ED. So, that should mean I can kick ED off the boat, right? And with that, the body-hate will fall off with ED. And good riddance.
So maybe the mirror is lying right now. But as I continue down my path of recovery and self discovery, ED will start falling behind and eventually get lost; we'll be seperated. And that seperation will get me a front row seat in the healthy life.
Discovery and recovery.
Join me on my path to discovering myself. We can all do this together. It's easier when you're not alone.
Join me on my path to discovering myself. We can all do this together. It's easier when you're not alone.
Love, love, love.
15 comments:
...Okay, so after thinking for a while, something positive popped up into my head.
A positive thing about putting on weight/gaining weight/gaining body mass is...
My chest doesn't look like an eight year old boy's anymore!
That's a plus, right?
"But whosever body I'm in, whatever it "looks like" to others, I'm not comfortable in it."
Eleanor!
You are so strong my dear. I want you to realize that these confused and dissatisfied thoughts about your body are not due to weight gain. Sure, your body is starting to change and that can be stressful on it's own. But in a world consumed by ED, you will never be comfortable with your appearance. We all know too well, that you can never be skinny enough in the eyes of ED.
Each time you gain more weight or take a step further to finding your true identity, you will find that self-comfort will creep back all on its own.
You are beautiful - trust the people you love when they tell you so :)
xox
Tat
Ps. The chest? Definitly a positive ;) Congrats! hehe
my precious girl. that was really something all ur readers suffering from ED could relate to.. because honestly, every single word you said, i hear them echo from the depths of my heart. how frightening, how worrying, and they can make us tossed around in bed all night..feeling uncomfortable about our bodies- especially when we touches the fats that stick onto our bodies.
i know it's hard. indeed a CHALLENGE too BIG that we wonder if we will ever get pass it. or will we be defeated and slide back and let ED win.
this battle is never easy. but precious, you are not alone. we will all be here to support you, alrights? remember, keep fighting. you have come thus far..and you have done an amazingly well job!
Eleanor, always believe that you are someone precious in the hearts of many.. and they actually dont care how you look. youi look you for who you are, and who they are when they are with you..
the biggest hug ever for you.
and actually, i have yet to tell you the second part to FEAR. it is in the mind. think POSITIVE. only then, POSITIVE EXPECTATION BECOMES REAL..and it's PEAR! a nice fruit for us to enjoy.
be strong, my sweetie.
Eleanor,
I understand how you feel about seeing yourself as a false image, sometimes I catch glipses of myself in mirrors unintentionally, and I think "Whoa! I look good, my legs look lean, my stomach looks flat, thats me!" but once I begin to take a closer look, and I purposly look at myself in a mirror I don't like what I see, "it makes me wonder sometimes, what do others see? Do they see the lean toned Colleen? Or the Colleen that I see?
You are 100% right about your body as a vessel, that is something yoga has taught me, err... my yoga instructor, she says the same thing every class "Honor your bodies for being here." What does that mean? More importantly, what does that mean to me? Our bodie do amazing things everyday that we take for granted! They breathe, they withstand enormous turmoil, and endure both physical and emotional pain, they carry us from place to place and at the end of the day they rest to do it all over again.
Honor your body for all of the truly amazing thing it does for you! It deserves to be fed and nutured, not just by food.
Oh honey! I promise promise promise you are not fat! You wouldn't be trying to gain weight if you were! I had a lot of thoughts like this, and you know what I did? I looked at old pictures of myself.. where I was healthy and happy, and compared them to my current self. It gave me all the motivation to ignore the negative thoughts and accept my changing body! Good luck!
eleanor, you are not alone, i'm joining you on this journey to self discovery.
my body is changing too and i don't know how to handle it, but i do know that i want to accept it. we can both accept it and love it.
you are strong, and you can banish those negative thoughts from your head. for now just focus on what you know is positive, (yay for boobs!) and the soon the positivity will expand to other things :)
thinking of you!
xoxo
this is the situation now, and believe me, I'm going through the same thing. But after a while things will begin to come in clearer focus. We just need to stop judging our bodies and say "this is what it is..time will tell". We have to trust that what we are going through is the journey to health, that our bodies - though not what we want right now - are really beautiful. But we don't see that because there is a haze between the mirror and our eyes, a fog. When that fog lifts we will learn to love our bodies and take care of them.
you are DEFINITELY not in this alone.
xoxo
stay strong!
Eleanor you do NOT deserve the torture you put yourself through. You are so a beautiful and incredible girl. I totally get where you are coming from, not knowing who you are, not knowing who is staring back at you through that mirror. It is so hard, but i have heard that if you STAY in recovery, stay on the road to progress, that image eventually joins with you, your personality, your blue eyes and spikey hair, and you become okay with it. I cannot wait to see that happen for you, as much as I cannot wait for it to happen for me. Until then, we must wait it out--dreadful as it sounds. I am here for you darling if you need anything at all <3
Love,
Becca
You are most definitely not alone Eleanor; so many of us are walking that same road with you, and there to support you if you need it. It's hard to accept body changes at first, but you will begin to focus on them less and less with all of the positive things that come along with it. Health... energy... happiness... freedom from a self-abusive cycle. You'll be able to live your live the way you want it, and ED's words will become less enticing. There's no happiness here.... no reason why we do this to ourselves. So why stay? Be strong, hun <3
You are not alone, lovely. I'm trudging down this road with you and will support you every step of the way. That is, until you get sick of me and take off running. But hey, if you do, then at least you'll be running in the right direction! I kid, I kid ;)
But in all seriousness, I could tell you how beautiful I truly think you are until I'm blue in the face, but know it won't make a difference. You could look like a supermodel, but what good is it if everyone sees it but you? I feel hypocritical saying it (so much easier to give others advice than apply it to ourselves!) but the things to focus on are what your body does for you: carries you, lets you think of and then type incredible posts, hear music, speak like a pirate, etc. None of those things are reflected in the mirror, but they're still worth fighting for. Looove,
Rachael*
Oh goodness, I could have written this post myself (though obviously not as eloquently as you have!) I can relate to every word you've written. But know that you are not alone in this journey my love. We are in this together and can find strength from each other.
This is one of the hardest parts of recovery, and it won't just pass overnight. We have to suck it up and get on with life, doing our best to counteract these negetive feelings. But we must remember it will be worth it in the end. For the day will come when we can look in the mirror, see ourselves without EDs skewed perception, and love ourselves for everything we are. That day will come for you Eleanor, I promise. Have faith in yourself, because you can do this, I know it.
Loads of love <3
Hannah xo
i'm amazed at your positive attitude.
It's ok to hate other people, but not yourself. I'm sure you already know this, but it's very true.
I could absolutely relate to everything in this post. Your strength is really inspirational. You WILL get through this and the more you challenge the ED thoughts and recognize them for what they are, the further and further away they will go. And you will find out who you are beyond ED. Unfortunately it just takes time but it will happen. Thanks for such a wonderful post!
How did I miss this post? Jeeze I'm so behind!
I can relate to this post so much, you're always feeling the same as me!
xxx
Post a Comment