This is how I felt this morning towards all of you beautiful ladies, as I read my comments from yesterday's post. I was in such a slump, even after a good night's sleep, but your words managed to pull me out of my melancholy state and into a lighter, brighter, happier place. Even now, I'm still beaming away as I re-read the supportive, encouraging, kind and loving words you girls string together so beautifully. I am amazed at just how much this blogging community has helped me - I have you all to thank for my happier state.
Well, the ever so lovely Tatianna and Hannah tagged me to share 7 random facts about myself! So here goes.
Numero Uno: I cried when I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real! But I didn't cry when I found out Santa wasn't the one delivering my Christmas presents...
Two: I chipped my front tooth (adult tooth... Ugh!) when I fell over in the bath when I was about 10.
Three: I have 5 birth marks dispersed over my body.
Four: My eyes change colour with my mood.
Five: I have a big freckle on my left cheek that is in exactly the same place on my right cheek.
Six: I passed English in Year 8 even though I didn't hand in one assignment... Yeah, we had a bad teacher.
Seven: I, like Tatianna, went through a phase of listening to heavy/black metal... But I have recovered!
Numero Uno: I cried when I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real! But I didn't cry when I found out Santa wasn't the one delivering my Christmas presents...
Two: I chipped my front tooth (adult tooth... Ugh!) when I fell over in the bath when I was about 10.
Three: I have 5 birth marks dispersed over my body.
Four: My eyes change colour with my mood.
Five: I have a big freckle on my left cheek that is in exactly the same place on my right cheek.
Six: I passed English in Year 8 even though I didn't hand in one assignment... Yeah, we had a bad teacher.
Seven: I, like Tatianna, went through a phase of listening to heavy/black metal... But I have recovered!
I tag anyone who hasn't been tagged yet - though I'm sure you all have by now!
I've come to realize that I am in control of my health. My dietitian can recommend what I should have, my parents can tell me to eat or whatnot, but it's down to me whether I choose to jump on the recovery band-wagon or not. The thing is, ED is still such a prominent part of my thinking, that it becomes hard to make a final decision. Decision making has never been a talent of mine, and now that has just been magnified. I want more than anything to see the light at the end of the tunnel and walk into it, but ED's version looks so much simpler and easier. Walking to that light, into health, is a long and hard trek. Eleanor is willing to battle through those hardships, but ED isn't. And because ED is such a convincing part of my mind, he sometimes wins me over.
The answer is right in front of me, but there's a glass wall in front of me, preventing me from going on. I know I'm the one that put it there in the first place, but it's become so hard, almost too hard, to break down. To fully recover, I have to commit to recovery. And I haven't committed yet. Every day is a battle, and every mouthful is a task.
The loss in my weight has confused me, because I'm feeling my body changing. I'm fitting into clothes tighter, I'm seeing parts of my body grow bigger. And I'm not okay with that. Well, ED isn't okay with that. I know that what I'm seeing in the mirror isn't me - it's not what everyone else sees. But I'm convinced that it is. I've convinced myself that the shape I am now is okay. I don't know, maybe it is... But my BMI is telling me otherwise.
The answer is right in front of me, but there's a glass wall in front of me, preventing me from going on. I know I'm the one that put it there in the first place, but it's become so hard, almost too hard, to break down. To fully recover, I have to commit to recovery. And I haven't committed yet. Every day is a battle, and every mouthful is a task.
The loss in my weight has confused me, because I'm feeling my body changing. I'm fitting into clothes tighter, I'm seeing parts of my body grow bigger. And I'm not okay with that. Well, ED isn't okay with that. I know that what I'm seeing in the mirror isn't me - it's not what everyone else sees. But I'm convinced that it is. I've convinced myself that the shape I am now is okay. I don't know, maybe it is... But my BMI is telling me otherwise.
I don't know anything for certain, and that uncertainty scares me. Being scared is such a horrible feeling, and those fears, I know in my heart of hearts, are irrational.
FEAR, as my dear friend who shares my name ;) said, stands for:
False Expectations Appearing Real.
I cannot elaborate on that, as it is just so... Obvious. The irrational things we fear, are just that. Irrational. We expect these things to be scary, we convince ourselves that they are, therefore they become real. But only real in our own minds. In reality, these things aren't scary. A false accusation, almost. Thank you, dear Eleanor, for sharing that. It's been in my mind for the whole day, and it couldn't be more relevant right now. I fear the weight gain. But is weight gain bad? No! No. "Gaining weight" doesn't mean "gaining fat", as ED has convinced me. "Gaining weight" means gaining health.
FEAR, as my dear friend who shares my name ;) said, stands for:
False Expectations Appearing Real.
I cannot elaborate on that, as it is just so... Obvious. The irrational things we fear, are just that. Irrational. We expect these things to be scary, we convince ourselves that they are, therefore they become real. But only real in our own minds. In reality, these things aren't scary. A false accusation, almost. Thank you, dear Eleanor, for sharing that. It's been in my mind for the whole day, and it couldn't be more relevant right now. I fear the weight gain. But is weight gain bad? No! No. "Gaining weight" doesn't mean "gaining fat", as ED has convinced me. "Gaining weight" means gaining health.
And that is what I'm going to do. I may not have fully committed to recovery just yet, but I know that it will come. Eleanor is screaming to be released, and she will be, in good time. In a time soon to come.
Thank you, O' Wise Women, for your insight, support, and inspiration. You all have it in you to beat the ED that has locked the real you away. It is you that has the key, and soon enough, you will find it, and step out into the bright world, where life is waiting for you.
♡ ♡ ♡
Love, love, love.
7 comments:
i think its wonderful that you are being honest with yourself and really distinguishing yourself from Ed because you are not Ed. you said it really well here : "Eleanor is willing to battle through those hardships, but ED isn't." this is so true, because in battling you will lose Ed, which is scary but its truly wonderful. that day will come, the road is long but i know you'll make it. keep the faith girl!
love your seven facts!! i chipped my front tooth a couple months ago ahh, i bit down on a fork too hard!
hope you have a lovely weekend!
xoxo
You def. hit the nail on the head with this post, and proved that you're quite the wise woman yourself ;) It's true that we are in charge of our lives, not our parents or treatment team... But as I type this I wonder: Are we really, or is it just an illusion of control while ED is still at the wheel and calling all the shots? I can SO relate to where you're at, when you are miserable but the unknown is just so terrifying. They say change happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs fear of change. I admire your honesty in verbalizing feelings of ambivalence. I often feel the same way but don't know if I'd have the courage to say so. I have a feeling that the point when you say enough is enough is just around the corner. And I'm here with you every step of the way, now and when that turning point comes <3
Rachael*
Great post Eleanor.
I truly believe you can overcome this. Every day might be a battle, but you ARE battling, and that in itself is something to be proud of.
The things we fear are only scary for a little while until we face up to them. The first time will undoubtedly be hard. The second time might be too... but then the third, and fourth, and fifth get easier... as long as we are able to be persistent.
Sometimes I look back at some of the things I use to be afraid of because of my ED, but that I ended up tackling... they all seem so silly now. Of course, at the time they made sense... but now I end up asking myself "What in the world was I thinking?"
Hehehehe I giggled at the last one, I didn't so much go through that phase but I did go through a moment of dread locks and piecings and blow on tattoos! haha I used to walk around with my '40 hour famine 'ARE YOU REALLY HUNGRY?'' t-shirt and lots of fake (but very believable, nose rings, lip rings, and my ears were like christmas tree's all year round!
Luckily I'm over the dread locks but I still have a soft spot of piercings (I've got real ones now and plans for many more) but I'm a recovered, no more tattoos or anything hahah
Keep fighting beautiful,
you're worth it
I love this post, you sweet, sweet girl. Your words are always so articulate and spot on... I always feel as if you are literally scribing my own thoughts!
I am so glad to hear your honesty about your commitment to recovery. I find I often get ahead of myself and trick myself into thinking I am 100% committed... it takes a lot of guts to admit that you are wavering. You are so incredibly stronger, and each day that you gain more health will bring even more strength.
You are so right about fear... gaining weight is such a positive even though we can't wrap our minds around it. Hold onto this mentallity and you will come out a winner :)
xox
Tat
ps.. glad to hear I'm not the only one with a heavy metal past... hehe ;)
Hello there! Thanks for visiting my blog. "My eyes change colour with my mood" - OMG that just reminds me of Edward Cullen! Haha. That's so cool. Your words describe exactly how I feel sometimes. We all know we are supposed to gain weight yet at times I wonder what's at the end of it...what's the use of all this effort. But you've answered the question: we are in control of our own health and that's a scarily huge responsibiity. I'm adding you to my blogroll!
muacks, my precious love. sorry, im away from home these few days..and i haven been reading. but im so glad while i was away you wrote something said by me in your bloggie. hugs!
and always remember you are a amazing lady too, and i love you so. =) actually, your post really touch the deepest within me so i left you notes. in fact, i do read alot of blogs written by pp who struggled with ED. but i felt you need support the most. and because we share the same name, i felt a strong urge to write you something.
stay strong alrights? im here for you.
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