Things are Wild.

I wish I could sum up these past few days in words. But I'm pretty sure the words I'd use haven't been invented yet. This whole week, I've been struggling; struggling a whole lot more than I've let my parents, or anyone, know. This fixation on "not going over XX amount of weight" has been getting to me so much more than I thought it would; numbers and weights and amounts have been consuming my thoughts. My Therapist appointment yesterday went just like I thought it would. I told her about my fear of going over this weight, and she asked me what difference one kilo would make, and I couldn't answer, because I honestly didn't know. And I still don't know. ED was grasping at straws the whole time I was with her, trying to make excuses, trying to tell me that what she was saying was stupid and unimportant, and that she doens't really care, she's just saying these things because she has to. I've been trying to convince myself all week that no one is trying to make me fat or GOING to make me fat, they jus want me healthy, so I can be happy. But ED seems to think that where I am now is healthy. I'm fine here, and if I get any heavier I'll be "fat", just like that.

I broke down last night while talking to my parents. They keep telling me that I just "shouldn't worry" about the weight. SHOULDNT WORRY? Do you think if it was that easy that I WOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT IT?! I know I know I know they're only trying to make me see what's right instead of turnign to EDs thoughts and convictions, but it's almost like they're insensitive to how hard it is to just not worry. I don't want to worry, and I wish I didn't have to worry, but as soon as this scary number jumps up at me I just freak out and want to hide. Hiding... That means crawling into the safety of EDs arms.
Silly little me, I can't see that EDs arms are claws; claws that scratch and rip and dig and cut and bruise and scar. Prettying things over, that's what ED's doing. Thigns aren't pretty. Things really aren't pretty. I just wish I could convince myself of that.

Last night, as I lay on my bed feeling sory for myself (ED, not me), I looked up at my wall that's full of drawings, letters, and photographs. One drawing was a picture I drew last year, and I hadn't really thought much of it before... Until last night.

It dawned on me, just how relevant this picture is to the way I'm feeling now, and the way I've been feeling since about that time last year. I hadn't ever realized the significance of this picture. She's on the dark side, th bad side... Being wrapped around and swallowed up by this dark mass. Yet she can see the "other" side, the bright side, the happy side. She looks up at that, and knows it is real, knows it exists. But this darkness that's taking over her... It's stopping her from reaching the other, better side.

I really wanted to share this with all of you. I'm not an artist by any means, (this is as far as my artistic-self goes) but usually when I draw, it ends up being something significant, only I never realize it at first. Funny how that works, eh.

I wish I knew where I was right now. Part of me wants to cross that imaginary line to health and happiness, and the other part of me wants to stay in this enveloped darkness, the false sense of security. I don't like where I am, wherever I am. I want to find myself. I want to find Eleanor again, because I know she's there somewhere. I miss her... She was pretty cute.

OH! I forgot to mention... I FINISHED ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS! and I got A's for all of them! God, you have no idea how surprised I was when I saw those marks! My English teacher must be whack.. Hah, or maybe I just beat myself up too much. The latter, I think. But I was so happy with it. It really made my day a lot better than it could have been.
I've been really pissy with my Dad lately, and he sort of ruined my mood when I came home and told him about my score. Don't ask me how, too confusing. But he's been really up in my face lately, a real hypocrite and just... Not someone I want to be around. I'm getting really sick of him. I knew it was coming, and I've dreaded it, but I don't know what to do about it.

Would you look at that. I just managed to turn a real positive into a negative. Sporadic changes in mood... They're killing me.
But to go back onto a positive note, I'm seeing Where The Wild Things Are tonight with my Mother Dearest, which should be great! I loved the book as a kid, and I have a feeling this movie is going to release the Wild Thing within me, at least for tonight, anyway.

Thank you, as always, for your support and kind words. Without them I wouldn't be where I am right now. So thank you, lovely ladies, for without you I just wouldn't know what to do!

♥ ♥ ♥

Love, love, love.