I honestly don't think I'm able to cry any more tears. I've been a royal mess all darn week, and today's Dietitian appointment was just mental/psychological/emotional overload. I was sobbing! I can't remember the last time I sobbed. My brain has seriously begun to fry, from the constant numbers in my head, the constant putting-on-weight fear, and I didn't even get weighed this week. I've been freaking out of my mind, as I near the weight I've been dreading for such a long time. It would be nice to actually do what my parents, Therpaist and Dietitian say: "Just don't worry about your weight". Now, if it was that easy, I'd be as free as a bird right now, with no disordered thoughts, no disordered & distorted visions of myself, no ED full stop!
I feel like I'm saying the same things, over and over. I'm not coming to any amazing revelations, I haven't had an epiphany of any sort. I'm going round and round in circles and it's starting to become even more exhausting than it origionally was.
I feel like I'm saying the same things, over and over. I'm not coming to any amazing revelations, I haven't had an epiphany of any sort. I'm going round and round in circles and it's starting to become even more exhausting than it origionally was.
This constant battle between good and bad, it's driving me insane - not just me, though. My parents, too. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting them. I hate having that sort of... Power. It's negative power, destructive power.
That's what ED is. A destruction. The attatchment I've formed with this monster is so much more than unhealthy. Those tears I've been crying, some were wasted on ED. The thought of losing ED scares me. But why should it? Why should ridding myself of the thing that's eating (hah, pun?) away at my body as well as my mind be something to fear? I don't understand it, but that's because ED wont let me understand it. As soon as a positive thought comes into my head, just as quickly a negative, ED thought comes in and takes over. Whether that be guilt of eating, the reflection I see - and loathe - in the mirror... Anything, as long as it makes me miserable. I'm sick to death of this torment, but I'm not letting myself let go.
That's what ED is. A destruction. The attatchment I've formed with this monster is so much more than unhealthy. Those tears I've been crying, some were wasted on ED. The thought of losing ED scares me. But why should it? Why should ridding myself of the thing that's eating (hah, pun?) away at my body as well as my mind be something to fear? I don't understand it, but that's because ED wont let me understand it. As soon as a positive thought comes into my head, just as quickly a negative, ED thought comes in and takes over. Whether that be guilt of eating, the reflection I see - and loathe - in the mirror... Anything, as long as it makes me miserable. I'm sick to death of this torment, but I'm not letting myself let go.
Some days are much better than others, but I've been struggling so much this past week. I'm honestly trying to keep my head out of the bottomless pit of negativity, but it seems to sometimes get the better of me and drag me down. We're so vulnerable.
We need to be aware of our thoughts, at all times. The minute an ED thought seeps in... Pounce on it and rip it to shreads.
I'm challenging myself this week. I'm going to try and get on top of these thoughts... About my weight, my body image, my food intake, everything. I'm really going to try and stop ED from dragging me down. I'm entitled to being happy. It's my life and it's about time I had control of it again!
We need to be aware of our thoughts, at all times. The minute an ED thought seeps in... Pounce on it and rip it to shreads.
I'm challenging myself this week. I'm going to try and get on top of these thoughts... About my weight, my body image, my food intake, everything. I'm really going to try and stop ED from dragging me down. I'm entitled to being happy. It's my life and it's about time I had control of it again!
I love you all, and I can't thank you enough for your kind words of support.
Stay strong, stay focused, stay positive.
Stay strong, stay focused, stay positive.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
♥ ♥ ♥
Love, love, love.
3 comments:
i remember when i was at a point like the one you described i wrote a lists of pros and cons about staying with ed, and then my mum read over it and crushed all my pros with her intelligent words, then all i had were cons about ed.
I love you, you are stronger that you will ever know.
Keep your beautiful head up my darling! It always gets worse before it gets better, I know your spirits will pick up soon! I would suggest going through your blog archives - I did this earlier and it was really motivational to reflect on my past thoughts (both negative and positive posts) about ED and recovery.
You have so much strength, courage, and positive power which will all work together to kick ED to the curb. There is nothing stopping you from living the life you were meant to live!
Keep shining :)
xox
Tat
keep on going! You have so much motivation, I can tell. Step outside of ED's world and into your own and make you own decisions. you can do this - I know it!
stay strong my love.
xoxo
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