I did something last night I never thought I would do. I surprised myself! So many emotions, thoughts, feelings were going through my head before, during and after. I didn't know whether to smile, cry, be ashamed, be proud, regret, celebrate.
Okay, so last night, I was sitting on the computer, and I was thinking. I was thinking about Saturday (tomorrow) morning's Nutritionist appointment - have I gained, have I lost, have I maintaned? And a thought came into my head: if I haven't gained, she's going to make me eat more, and I'm not going to like it. So I did something odd.
I looked at the clock, and it was 9:10pm. Alright, whatever. I got up, I walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge. I looked at the peanut butter. I looked at the time again. 9:11pm - one hour and 11 minutes after ED lets me eat anything. I looked at the peanut butter again. I opened the cutlery draw. I got out a spoon. I opened the peanut butter jar and I scooped out a spoonful of peanut butter. I put it in my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed.
...
Okay, so last night, I was sitting on the computer, and I was thinking. I was thinking about Saturday (tomorrow) morning's Nutritionist appointment - have I gained, have I lost, have I maintaned? And a thought came into my head: if I haven't gained, she's going to make me eat more, and I'm not going to like it. So I did something odd.
I looked at the clock, and it was 9:10pm. Alright, whatever. I got up, I walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge. I looked at the peanut butter. I looked at the time again. 9:11pm - one hour and 11 minutes after ED lets me eat anything. I looked at the peanut butter again. I opened the cutlery draw. I got out a spoon. I opened the peanut butter jar and I scooped out a spoonful of peanut butter. I put it in my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed.
...
AND I'M STILL ALIVE.
And you know what was even weirder? This morning, I was half way through my oatmeal, when I got up and put a spoonful of peanut butter in. An extra!? I didn't know what had come over me. It was an impulse thing. To be honest, I still don't know what I should be feeling. ED's been going a little crazy, but I've been trying to ignore him. I'm dreading the scales tomorrow. For the past two weeks I've been dreading stepping up onto that cold, hard piece of metal and seeing the numbers tick up up up, until they stop flicking and settle. I'm scared of what that settled number will be. I'm scared of the outcome. I'm scared of gaining weight because ED will go crazy. I'm scared of losing weight because my Nutritionist might jack up my meal plan. And I wouldn't/couldn't handle eating more, or having another supplement drink on top of the ones I'm already consuming. To be honest, my mind is everywhere all at once, but also nowhere, at the same time. I keep asking questions, then drawing blanks. There's no answer to my questions because they're all about the future, which is undetermined.
I regret having the peanut butter, but I'm also proud. Actually... ED regrets me having the peanut butter, and Eleanor is proud. It's still so incredibly hard separating me from my monster, but I'm getting there. The things worth doing in life aren't easy, afterall.
I regret having the peanut butter, but I'm also proud. Actually... ED regrets me having the peanut butter, and Eleanor is proud. It's still so incredibly hard separating me from my monster, but I'm getting there. The things worth doing in life aren't easy, afterall.
As much as I want to be confident, I am not ready for tomorrow. I don't feel like I can face tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, ED is going to have a reaction which will just make me feel bad about myself. My situation is like a double-edged blade, in some ways. No matter which way I hold it I get hurt.
Some days I want recovery so much - I want to be happy and healthy and not have to be hawked over by my parents, dietitian and psychologist. But other days I want to hold onto ED, because he's there for me when I need him - a security blanket.
But tomorrow is a new day. Today is what I should be concentrating on. I should be making the most of today and worrying about tomorrow when I'm actually there.
Some days I want recovery so much - I want to be happy and healthy and not have to be hawked over by my parents, dietitian and psychologist. But other days I want to hold onto ED, because he's there for me when I need him - a security blanket.
But tomorrow is a new day. Today is what I should be concentrating on. I should be making the most of today and worrying about tomorrow when I'm actually there.
Until tomorrow, ladies.
Be who you are, and nothing less,
because who you are is beautiful.
because who you are is beautiful.
Love, love, love.
14 comments:
i admire your honesty.
be proud, be damn proud. you committed acts of kicked Ed in the face. you did this and you are right, you survived. try not to worry about what is going to happen next. right now you kicked Ed in the face. and remember the first step is always the hardest.
xoxo
I am so proud of you! Nothing! NOTHING! will happen! I promise you! It's such a good feeling when you disprove anorexia!
xx
i hate that, how it makes you feel like crap for something you should be proud of. thats kinda how i feel right now.
keep it up!
YOU are beautiful too!
<3
well done ;)
best thing to in a situation like this is NOT think. just like when you got the PB. Block out all your thoughts and you'll realise how much happier you can be!
i am so proud of you sweetie for having that PB, that is so strong of you, and so true, that if you dont eat enough then you will just get a increase, so why not just eat? ;) and see you are still alive hehe, its so good to know and feels so great to wake up after eating something challenging, and feel proud, and see that you are still the same person as the other day! :) food is safe and food is nourishment, our bodies deserve all the nourishment it can get! :)
love you sweet girl
xx
Eliza
"The things worth doing in life aren't easy, afterall."
I love this! It's so true, we all know recovery sucks! But it will be worth it. You have no idea how big of a smile spread across my face when I read about the peanut butter. You go girl!
With each step you take, you are proving to yourself (and the world) that you can take a stand against ED, that ultimately Eleanor gets to chose how she lives her life and not the other way around.
Hope all goes well with the nutritionist - take a deep breath and think about what's truly important in life.
xox
Tat
Like these other lovely ladies have said, you should feel PROUD and confident in yourself. Everyone has their own challenges, lord knows I'm facing mine, but you embraced it with grace and dignity and did what you feared most. You should feel on top of the world-- like the rock star you truly are.
Don't forget to smile today :)
bec xo
precious girl! you have done something that is sooo brave! im proud of you.. hugs. i know it's a struggle. like im also struggling with it myself. like i took a whole chunk of redbean paste from a thick redbean pancake. i dun think i can sleep tonight. ED is going to haunt me, =(
anyway, someone told me this.. FEAR simply stand for..
False Expectation Appearing Real.
yes, it seems so real of us that eating those will make us bloat up suddenly and we will gain disapproval again.. it will let people love us lesser. but if we think again, maybe not so?
they only appear real of us cos we believe so.
hugs. preservere on!
oh my goodness, i am SO proud of you my love! your triumphs over ED last night and this morning are so inspirational to me. you have so much strength inside you its amazing.
whatever happens at the N appt, stay strong. try to think of the numbers as a measure of your health - disassociate them from yourself as a person. easier said than done i know, but they truly have NOTHING to do with the beautiful girl you are.
love you tonnes <3
hannah xo
Great job Eleanor! That is a big feat. (although to some it might not feel like it.)
Eleanor should always be proud of herself!
I totally "get" what you're saying. There have been so many times that I've done something challenging and am so shocked that I don't know WHAT to feel... And part of me can't even believe that I did it in the first place! I hope tomorrow/today (?) turned out okay. Regardless of the outcome, I'm confident that you are more than strong enough to handle what happens.
Thank you so much for the comment you left me, my first one ever! Your kind words brought a great bit smile to my face, which is a feat in itself.
Rachael*
You SHOULD be proud of yourself hun! And I'm so proud of you too! Let's keep kicking ED's cruel butt! It doesn't deserve you giving it any bit of your time.
The dietitian I see usually asks if I'd rather not see the numbers on the scale before getting weighed, and there are some girls I know who prefer not to know until they have reached their healthy weight. You could request for it if weighing makes you uncomfy but then again, for me, I know that I need to know. Lol. But that means that I have to work harder at not letting the numbers affect me.
Stay strong my dear and I pray that your nutritionist's appointment goes well!
xx
I can't really relate to this problem, so all I can say is hang in there. Life is valuable, always try to make the most of it.
I'm really proud of you for this :)
That is truly huge. I know ED is probably kicking and screaming, but that shows you are just progressing in your recovery even more. If he wasn't kicking and screaming, it wouldn't be normal. Just take one day at a time - if the scale goes up, tomorrow is a new day and there is no reason to be upset. It's just one step closer to health.
Post a Comment