"Anxiety focuses not around the issues themselves, but around the uncertainty of their outcome. And as we think about positive thoughts, we destroy anxiety around us just as a larger wave will remove a smaller wave."Unknown
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"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."
Marie Curie
Marie Curie
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Some wise words from some very wise people, to get things started.
I'm sorry to leave you hanging on my Dietitian Doomsday! Without further adieu, I give you: nothing. Not a gram gained. But neither was a gram lost. I stayed, exactly the same weight. So in other words, I've maintained my weight. The scales say that that is not acceptable, and Rational Eleanor is telling me that the weight I am is not a weight I can healthily maintain, but the Irrational Eleanor (otherwise known as ED) thinks differently. As always, the battle of the voices rages its war in my head; one side glad, one side mad, and a neutral. In some ways, the neutral side is just as dangerous. Neither positively or negatively viewing the weight. Positive side: Yaaaay, no weight gain. Flip side: What, no weight gain, eating what you've been eating?
Positive side: Yaaaaay, no weight lost!Flip side: You failure! You complete and utter failure. You're so fat/gross, eating what you're eating, I'm so ashamed in you, you should be ashamed in yourself.Neutral: You didn't gain, you didn't lose. You're safe here, comfortable. You know what you're doing. Stay here.
I'm sorry to leave you hanging on my Dietitian Doomsday! Without further adieu, I give you: nothing. Not a gram gained. But neither was a gram lost. I stayed, exactly the same weight. So in other words, I've maintained my weight. The scales say that that is not acceptable, and Rational Eleanor is telling me that the weight I am is not a weight I can healthily maintain, but the Irrational Eleanor (otherwise known as ED) thinks differently. As always, the battle of the voices rages its war in my head; one side glad, one side mad, and a neutral. In some ways, the neutral side is just as dangerous. Neither positively or negatively viewing the weight. Positive side: Yaaaay, no weight gain. Flip side: What, no weight gain, eating what you've been eating?
Positive side: Yaaaaay, no weight lost!Flip side: You failure! You complete and utter failure. You're so fat/gross, eating what you're eating, I'm so ashamed in you, you should be ashamed in yourself.Neutral: You didn't gain, you didn't lose. You're safe here, comfortable. You know what you're doing. Stay here.
This uncertainty is driving me absolutely insane. That's why I pulled out that quote (see above). It's so relevant. I get so pent up with anxiety, because I don't know what's going to happen. But regardless of what actually happens in my Dietitian appointment, I leave with mixed feelings. About my weight, about my life, about the urges and disordered thoughts and the thoughts about food... So many things come to mind and I don't know what to do with those thoughts. Bring a positive attitude to these situations can be benefitted from - unfortunately I can't find the strength to muster up any positivity. I know that the effort will be more than worth it, but somehow I'm almost, dare I say it, hesitant to find positivity? It's as if I don't want to find positivity, and I'd prefer to be down. It doesn't make any sense; all it's really doing is making me out to be a self-pittying, attention-seeking neorotic. Of all things, I don't want to seem like I'm crying out for someone to feel sorry for me. I hate pity. I don't want to be pittied. So why do I continue to let ED hold me so tightly in this blanket of misery?
Well, as you're all probably aware, tomorrow is Monday. And Monday means The First Day Of School. Needless to say, today has been a less than enjoyable day. I think I am so organised that I'm completely unorganised. I'm not normally an organised person, so me making an effort to be organised is... Well, rare, and cause for celebration.
I have this need to be organised. I need structure. I need a routine. I can't have uncertainty. I can't be caught off guard or unprepared. This is the disorder in me, the perfectionistic tendencies, the need for order. It's getting to the point where regardless of how "organised" I am and how "in order" I am, I'm going to fall into a heap because I've set my expectations way too high and set such unattainable goals for myself.
I have this need to be organised. I need structure. I need a routine. I can't have uncertainty. I can't be caught off guard or unprepared. This is the disorder in me, the perfectionistic tendencies, the need for order. It's getting to the point where regardless of how "organised" I am and how "in order" I am, I'm going to fall into a heap because I've set my expectations way too high and set such unattainable goals for myself.
+ What I need is to accept that there will be times when I can't know what's going to happen, there'll be things I'm not prepared for. There will be things I don't know and things I can't do, and I have to accept that. I'm not perfect, no one is perfect, and just because I can't do a certain thing or be a certain person, doesn't mean I am a failure.
+ What I need is confidence. What I need is to persist, even when I'm finding things hard.
+ What I need is confidence. What I need is to persist, even when I'm finding things hard.
Marie Curie is right. Life is not easy, for any of us. I'll be struggling just as much as the next person, but I'll also be excelling as much as the next person, if I have confidence in myself and persevere. Nothing is going to just come to be, I'm going to have to go and look for it. I'm going to have to go and get it.
The harder things in life to attain are the things worth fighting for.
Challenges aren't meant to be easy. If they were easy, they wouldn't be challenges.
I'm not going to get everything right, all the time. But that doesn't mean I'll never get anything right.
I'm not going to get everything right, all the time. But that doesn't mean I'll never get anything right.
That doesn't just apply for school, it applies for tackling my Eating Disorder, too. Recovery isn't easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible to achieve. Perseverance is key. I will not fail. I'll fall occasionally, but I have the strength to get back up and keep going. We all do. We all have the strength to keep pushing forward. It's not going to be easy, but all the hard work we put in will be worth it.
Tomorrow, I am going to look at things in a positive light. Or at least... I wont look at things negatively. That's better than nothing, right? We can only do as much as we can, and so that's what I'll do. I'll do as much as I can, with as much as I've got, and I'll be as confident as possible. Knowing that I have you lovely girls behind me gives me the confidence to keep going.
Thank you, all.
Thank you, all.
love, love, love.
Life is what we make it, so let's make it something special.
10 comments:
This sounds so similar to me; I have this constant need to have structure, order, organisation - I actually feel lost without it. I can tell now that it is the ED within me, but it is ingrained so deep in my consciousness that I can't detach myself from it or figure out whether it's something amy wants, or just ED.
This being said, good luck for your first day of school dearest. I know you will excel, and be wonderful, as per usual, because you are gorgeous and strong and I LOVE YOUR FACE :P
<3 just thought I'd throw that in there, be positive and keep smiling.
xx
It sounds as if your ED is trying to feed off your anxiety about going back to school. It is trying to convince you that you can't do it, but you can. What I've read on here says a strong determined person, someone who wants to and will succeed. Positive thinking will help to get you through, but so too will adequate nutrition and support from others...so don't forget to seek out both!
Congrats for not losing - this is definitely positive, so long as you do not stop pushing for gains.
I know it was important for me to not stagnate in the weight gain department, because when I did, it made subsequent gains much harder to deal with.
Lots of positive things will happen tomorrow, so don't let ED take this away from you. It wants to focus on the negatives, but you're not going to let it grrr!
Wow sorry for the essay. I will be thinking of you tomorrow...sending positive vibes and hugs!
Sarah x
don't even let ED tell you that you have no positivity, because you have so much and so much strength as well! he is trying to hide this revelation from you because he knows it means no good news for him. but just tell him to shut it because you are beautiful, smart, and you are going to be okay :]
love you SO much baby. don't stress about school; i know how you feel but everything will work out in the end. it always does.
love,
becca
I love your quotes! This is so frustrating--to be in a place where you feel like you can't gain. Good for you for talking down the ED voice over this.
I'm like you in that I always want to know exactly what is going to happen next and I try to plan things out so that I can have it all under control. But of course it's impossible to have control over life even with all our plans. You've recognized this and you can make even without knowing what will happen.
I'm thinking about you!
I can feel the struggles and opposing voices going on in your head. I guess looking on the positive side of things too often isn't always good too. It tends to make one complacent: while it's good that you didn't lose, it's not exactly good you didn't gain. The best way to view things is probably is that there's always "room for improvement." That's neither too critical nor complacent. Yes, Room for Improvement!!
Best of luck for the first day of school! Don't worry too much :D
its so important to realize that you can't control everything and in reality that's okay. i'm always looking for order and predictability and i know its no where close to as fun as spontaneity is.
girl you can do this, its wonderful that you want to be more positive, i've found that it really helps :)
happy sunday!
xoxo
hey girl
i found these quotes and i think that you might find something in them:
It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.
Wayne Dyer
You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.
Wayne Dyer
I find them to be so true. But it's hard. It's like letting go of a child...ED wants you stuck where you're at...lost and alone. He is the jealous best friend. But life is spontaneous, and you need that spontaneity! It will come with time. I know you feel like you are stuck, never going to be able to live again...it's a horrible feeling. In my AP Literature class, we are reading Paradise Lost, and we talked about how Hell is a place of no hope and misery. For all I knew, we could have been talking about ED. ED IS Hell. Except there is hope. There is a way to leave ED behind. You are on your way girl, don't EVER give up hope.
And about confidence? That's something I struggle with a lot sometimes. When my boyfriend talks to me, though, it changes my entire mind set. He says that guys find confidence to be 2398403854045x sexier than someone who won't eat that burger because she will gain weight. Confidence is what attracts guys to a girl. Always remember that, girl. Confidence is so much more than looks.
lovee you.
♥ lindsey
eleanor! aw sweetie. im so proud of you for not losing weight. see how amaazing your body is? you thought for SURE you would gain, but you maintained! superfast metabolism is coming your way, i would know(; i know that ed might tell you to just maintain your weight, but the beautiful strong sensible eleanor knows what she really needs to do! positivity is so key and you have so much of it. you are so right- recovery really isnt easy but it is possible. you can do it because its you that is the light in a dark room(: always remember that. have a GREAT time at school. i love you! xoxo soph
I am the same - I have to have structure and organization and I prefer to have a schedule to my days.
Good luck tomorrow, Eleanor! It's good to see you're going in with a positive view (: -Kylee
ED is all about control. Let things go naturally, and everything will eventually find it's course. Trust nature! Trust life.
have a wonderful day at school, darling. think positively and you'll be just fine :)
xoxo
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