I've been antsy since about 1pm yesterday. That happened to be the time of my Dietitian appointment, where I was weighed again. I gained 1 kilo in two weeks. Now I'm 1 kilo away from my "scary" weight. I am not in the right headspace at the moment. I'm terrified. Nervous. Putting myself down constantly. I feel guilty for eating. ED is screaming at me. I look at myself and all I see is fat - well, all ED sees is fat. ED wants me to believe that. One more kilo and I'll be huge. I'm so scared of that extra kilo... In my rational mind I know that it's probably only going to go to my bones and my muscles and my organs, and not appear physically. I know I am not defined by a number, I know that it doesn't make me any better or worse a person, it makes me a healthier person. But every time I think about getting on those scales in two weeks, I want to scream and cry and run away and hide. I don't want it, and ED's telling me I don't need it.
I talked to Mum about it before... I just want to stay on my "scary" number for a month or so, just stay stable, to get used to the feeling of being at my highest weight for a whole year. I'll only be 2 kilos away from when I was a "healthy girl", with my period.
Oh, I don't know at the moment. I KNOW I can't stay underweight. But I don't feel underweight. I feel normal. I feel like I'm fine. Healthy. But I'm not. ED wont leave me alone. He wont go away. He wont let go. I wont let go.
I've been on the verge of tears all day. I'm not feeling social, I'm not happy, I jump away whenever someone touches me. I feel unclean. I feel... I feel like I'm letting myself down, by getting to this weight? It's so disordered, I know. It's ED that I'm "letting down", not me. I'm helping myself. I'm cleaning myself of ED. ED is what's making me feel dirty, but he's trying to turn it around on me, by making me feel that the weight is what's making me dirty. Everything's so confusing at the moment. One minute I was so, so incredibly happy, and now I'm doubting myself and beating myself up.
I don't want to sound negative all the time, but if I don't voice these thoughts and feelings I go crazy. Crazier. But the support shown by you girls is just so overwhelming, and it helps. It helps more than I ever could've imagined.
ED will always try to disguise the real you. But underneath that mask he's put up, the real you is there. Always there. Taking that mask off may be the hardest, scariest, most horrible thing you ever do, but what you find underneath will be worth that pain and effort.
And we'll never be alone.
Here's to a better day tomorrow.
Love, love, love.
8 comments:
Eleanor, think of it as gaining health, not weight. Think of the things you'll get back when you gain health. It's not just your period: you won't be tired, your skin and hair will improve, your joints won't hurt. When you're underweight, you suffer from these ailments, but when you're healthy you don't. Focus on the positive things about weight gain; anything ED says against that is just crap.
You are a very slim girl my dear, 2 kilograms would make no difference to anyone except ed, but ed is silly anyway so who cares what he thinks and the more and more you push forward the less of his opinion you will have to deal with anyway.
Don't worry about sounding negative, in the end as long as the positive voice wins i can see you fighting as the strong beautiful girl you are. You are an amazing girl
girl.. keep pushing through..seriously nobody notices you gain weight! i gained 20 pounds and literally NOBODY noticed except some boys were like "wow katie you look good!" bahah.. guess its cause i got my boobs back, thank God!! you can do it girl!
I'm feeling huge at the moment, and honey, I know it's all in your head. And I know it's hard to be convinced, I know I can't be. But I promise you from the bottom of my heart, 1kg ain't gonna do anything!
xxxx
sweetie, i have the same name as you, and what more..im going thru exactly the same feeling and thoughts as you do. me too. just a a few more before my period would come. im so fearful.. yet i know im not alone. hugs. i hope you will not give up. you have gone a long way, and you are doing great sweetie.. perservere on..
How is it that you manage to put my same thoughts and feelings into every single one of your posts?!
I feel the same way. I feel as if the next step is a giant leap and that it will make the world of difference. We can do it my love, we can overcome this wretched thing that has come upon us! Truly, in reality, these one or two pounds will do nothing to our appearance.
keep going, love! You've got this :)
xoxo
lots of love
I can relate to basically every word that you said in this post. I know how scary it is to stand on the scale and see the number get closer and closer to what ED deems as "scary". But don't let ED make you feel like your failing by gaining or "letting yourself down"... this is so far from the truth! By gaining health you are making a huge achievment with every day that passes, and should be proud of how much progress you have made.
Keep trucking onwards my lovely. You are too good for this illness.
Loads of love
Hannah xo
you took all the thoughts out of my mind girl. I want to let go. I need to let go. But I wont let go.. I wonder why! WHY do I feel like I need to stay in EDS grasp? to feel safe and secure?
yes.
but you can be safe and secure in your HEALTH. I KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW THAT. So brave it girly. And I will too <3
Post a Comment