I could say that my appointment went well, that I'd put on weight and ED didn't kick up a fuss, that I got a lot out of it and laughed and smiled and talked about important things. But I would be lying.
I got on the scales, and watched the numbers tick. Fast, slow, fast, slow, making up its mind. I was trying not to fidget as the screen blurred. The numbers settled, and my heart leaped into my throat as my stomach dropped. "Oh, you've lost weight."
ED screamed in joy, Eleanor screamed in agony. She knew what was coming.
But not a sound came out of my mouth. I was silent. "What do you think about that?" says the Nutritionist in that expecting sort of tone, the one all specialists have. You know, the tone that comes with someone whose eyebrows are arched. "I... Don't know." I managed to say. Because I truly, truly didn't know what to think of that. I was almost too scared to speak. Then the nutritionist said the words I've been dreading to hear. "We're going to have to up your supplement drinks." That's when the tears started. That's when ED came into full blossom. "No. I'm not having more. I'm not." My eyes were full of tears, and I couldn't look at anyone. "I'm afraid you have no choice, Eleanor. You've lost weight." "I'm not having more." It went on like that for a while, and that stupid woman was joking with my Mum, laughing. I've never wanted to run away in my life more than I did then. The feeling of anger was so overwhelming. I couldn't speak. I wouldn't speak. I was so furious. Just... So furious.
She gave Mum a few sachets of this other supplement drink, which just furthered my anger. Then I went outside so Mum could talk to her in private. I didn't htink this was fair. I mean... It's me they're talking about so I should be able to know what they're speaking about. Knowing Mum she was probably getting tips on how to sneak more calories into my food.
On the walk home, I started crying again. I told Mum that I wasn't doing it. I was not having more of that supplement. "You can't make me, she can't make me, so I'm not." ED was taking advantage of the situation. When I got home, I broke down completely. I started sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen, and just melted onto the floor. That's when I heard Mum and Dad talking about me. Apparently. Karen suggested to Mum that I could be making myself throw up my food in an attempt to lose weight. Now, of all things she could've said, she said that. And Mum, I think, believes her. It did more than make me angry. It hurt. It honestly hurt me.
I don't... I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. ED isn't letting me have a break. He's been in my ear all day, telling me ways I could cheat, work my way around things, so I don't gain weight. Telling me I'll get fat, I'll be ugly, huge, disgusting. I don't know where Eleanor is at the moment. She's definitely not at the forefront of my mind right now.
I got on the scales, and watched the numbers tick. Fast, slow, fast, slow, making up its mind. I was trying not to fidget as the screen blurred. The numbers settled, and my heart leaped into my throat as my stomach dropped. "Oh, you've lost weight."
ED screamed in joy, Eleanor screamed in agony. She knew what was coming.
But not a sound came out of my mouth. I was silent. "What do you think about that?" says the Nutritionist in that expecting sort of tone, the one all specialists have. You know, the tone that comes with someone whose eyebrows are arched. "I... Don't know." I managed to say. Because I truly, truly didn't know what to think of that. I was almost too scared to speak. Then the nutritionist said the words I've been dreading to hear. "We're going to have to up your supplement drinks." That's when the tears started. That's when ED came into full blossom. "No. I'm not having more. I'm not." My eyes were full of tears, and I couldn't look at anyone. "I'm afraid you have no choice, Eleanor. You've lost weight." "I'm not having more." It went on like that for a while, and that stupid woman was joking with my Mum, laughing. I've never wanted to run away in my life more than I did then. The feeling of anger was so overwhelming. I couldn't speak. I wouldn't speak. I was so furious. Just... So furious.
She gave Mum a few sachets of this other supplement drink, which just furthered my anger. Then I went outside so Mum could talk to her in private. I didn't htink this was fair. I mean... It's me they're talking about so I should be able to know what they're speaking about. Knowing Mum she was probably getting tips on how to sneak more calories into my food.
On the walk home, I started crying again. I told Mum that I wasn't doing it. I was not having more of that supplement. "You can't make me, she can't make me, so I'm not." ED was taking advantage of the situation. When I got home, I broke down completely. I started sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen, and just melted onto the floor. That's when I heard Mum and Dad talking about me. Apparently. Karen suggested to Mum that I could be making myself throw up my food in an attempt to lose weight. Now, of all things she could've said, she said that. And Mum, I think, believes her. It did more than make me angry. It hurt. It honestly hurt me.
I don't... I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. ED isn't letting me have a break. He's been in my ear all day, telling me ways I could cheat, work my way around things, so I don't gain weight. Telling me I'll get fat, I'll be ugly, huge, disgusting. I don't know where Eleanor is at the moment. She's definitely not at the forefront of my mind right now.
I really am sorry I'm so negative at the moment. I just... I needed to let it out. I still need to let it out. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm worried. I'm a mess. I'm confused. So, so confused.
Thank you so much for your support. It overwhelmed me this morning. I needed all the encouragement I could get before my nutritionist appointment, and I broke into smiles. Smiles I needed. I tried to keep your beautiful words in my mind when I was there, and I've read them over and over once I'd calmed down enough. I can't say how much I appreciate you all. Nothing I say would do you all justice. So I give you my love.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Love, love, love.
10 comments:
You may think Eleanor is lost, but I know she isn't. I see her through this post. You were so honest with yourself and were happy to look at the situation from an outsider's perspective. That's CRUCIAL to recovery-- you should be proud.
I know you feel, though (trust me, I just went through a similar experience this past week). But YOU (Eleanor) need to remember what your body needs. And remember to trust your team-- though it may not always seem like it, they DO know what's best.
You're right, today can be a struggle but tomorrow IS a new day.
Sweet dreams,
bec xo
This sounds too much like my week! My parents were like 'how could you have lost a kilogram in a week?' and I was like 'I honestly, don't know!' so then it's 'oh, have you been vomiting?' and it's like 'NO!'
ED has taught other people to be suspicious of us as it has taught us to be suspicious of other people.
xx
trust me, you won't blow up like a balloon!
oh eleanor how horrible! i HATE it when people start lies about us. that karen sounds like a freakin idiot.
no one believes me at the moment either. they all just think im cutting out more and more foods to "gain ultimate control" -(as mum put it). WTF. i wish they would understand. my tummy hurts from eating foods because my gut is so damaged. they don't know anything about it, and refuse to learn. because what they think is easier to believe.
it makes me more determined to get well though, and show them all. i hope this situation can make you determined too.
easier said than done when you feel so alone though eh :(
love xoxo
lovie,
:( i am so sorry about the N and that appointmetn, i know exactly how that is...i was the same, in IP when i got upped a supplement, or lost weight i would be so upset, noncompliant and refuse to drink it...and once when i lost, the nurse made me write a letter telling why it was bad that i lost and what i will do better next time etc urrg okay that was so annoying! but lovie, as much as your ED is screaming that you dont need that supplemtnet and its unnecessary, that is NOT true, you need it my love, it is your medicine and i know it seems like the N and maybe your mom and dad are out to get you, out to make you "fat"...which is impossible!! it is all your ED telling you this...Eleanor deserves to be happy and healthy, and food even a supplement is safe, because you are in need of it so much! ugh i wish i could come give you a hug sweetie, i know there is nothing i can say to help you or make it easier b/c i know the feeling so well of just feeling like people are making me do this etc, and i get so spiteful and i resort to "i'll show you!!" and i wont have that X!!! :/...but you are SO strong, your writting and comments are just amazing, and you have so much strengh, and i know that you can do this! i have SO much faith it you, and it makes me so happy when you are happy, :) becuase you are such a special girly.
love you to the moon and back!
and blowing you a kiss from NY to Australia.
xx
Eliza
I'm so sorry your appointment didn't turn out... I know you will pull through this rough time; You are so strong and beautiful - ED doesn't stand a chance.
I know exactly how your feel about the situation with your mom - when I first started eating again, my mom was so impatient with the fact that I wasn't gaining weight. She thought I was throwing up everything. I felt so hurt and betrayed, like she had absolutely no faith or trust in me.
After we taked about it, I realized that she was just really concerned and jumped to the wrong conclusions. It can be so hard, but we have to realize that non-eating disordered people just can't understand and that's not their fault.
Don't let this crush you my dear, take this added supplement as an extra battle weapon that will leave ED in a crumpled heap. You can do this!
xox
Tat
oh eleanor i am so sorry you're feeling this way. i'm sending every ounce of support possible. i know its tough, but try to trust your nutritionist, your mom and her do not want to hurt you they honestly want to help you, i know its hard to see right now.
sorry to hear people are suggesting to your mom that you are throwing up, try to explain rationally to your mom that it simply isn't true.
try to stick to your meal plan dear :)
hope today is better!
xoxo
dont make this a stumbling block, but use it as a stepping stone to move forward. precious girl, be strong. muacks. i love you, just for who you are. and im sure everyone else does. they dont look at the numbers to determine their love for you. keep on going!
=)
Aww my darling girl, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug <3
I know exactly how you're feeling now - such conflicting emotions. And I understand your frustration at your N and Mum talking in private... this used to drive me INSANE.
Just keep reminding yourself what your end goal is... happiness and freedom. This is what you deserve, my love, and nothing less. The supplements are only tools in reaching that place. I know right now that won't help, but try and let Eleanor's rational voice shine through.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm always here <3
Loads of love
Hannahbanana xo
you are so much loved, dear Eleanor. Dont fall into Eds grasp. I know I KNOW how hart it is.. My sister always tells me she wishes there was a "damn switch in my mind that she could turn off Ed".. she actually mention Hypnotherapy to me.. could it work? No clue. OH How I wish we could all be free of this disease. this cruel illness.
Smile today love.
and bring sunshine with you tomorrow.. everyday. You deserve warmth. happiness. peace of self and joy.
Hey hun. You know what? You have the choice to decide what it is YOU want. You can choose ED or you can choose Eleanor to listen to. Sure, ED may be screaming its head off right now but when you start sounding Eleanor out, she will become stronger and more confident!
If your parents do actually believe the nutritionist, I can only suggest that you have a sit-down with them and talk. Be honest. Tell them about your struggles but also, tell them about the things you are definitely not doing in an attempt to dodge recovery. I'm sure they will appreciate that as parents and will also place more trust in your desire to be well again.
Good luck sweetie. You are worth the fight!!
xx
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