Uncertainty.

I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the support and kindness I've been shown. I know I say this a lot, but it never ceases to surprise me, blow me away and bring me to tears (happy tears, happy tears!) Thank you, every one of you - without your words I wouldn't be where I am now.

♥

When I think about where I am now... I don't actually know how to describe it. To be completely honest, I don't exactly know where I am. I'm floating somewhere around the middle - on a very choppy sea of emotions. One minute the ship (me) will be on top of a wave, high up in the air, and the next minute it'll plummet down into the dark depths of the ocean. Then it'll even out... And do it all again. A rollercoaster. There's no end to the metaphores so I'll stop with that. What I'm trying to say is: I never know what to expect from myself. I wake up every morning dreading my day, because I am unsure of everything. Not just how I'm feeling or how I will feel, but what I'll do, what I'll wear, what I'll eat, what I wont eat... So much uncertainty. The uncertainty doesn't stop there, either. I'm never sure if I want to get better, or if I want to just stay where I am. The pro's and the con's list comes out... But even then, I always find  ways to trick myself out of making a decision. The mind is an extremely complex thing - I can't even figure my own mind out.
I want to organise it. Put certain things into certain places. Like how I'm going to organise, sort out, throw away and tidy my desk. I'll put the things I want to keep in one pile, the thigns I want to toss in another, then sort through the stuff I do want to keep and put them into certain places. I wish I could do that with my mind, as well as my desk. But I'm a hoarder. I can't let go of things easily. It's the same with this Disordered Eating and Thinking. I'm keeping it around because I can't bear to part with it.
Do I have a reason for keeping it around? Nope. None.
Do I need it? Nu-uh.
Why can't I let go of it, then? Beats me.
See my dillema? My inability to throw physical possessions away has transfered itself into my mind, into an inability of get rid of psychological things, too. Memories, emotions... Mental possessions. I don't want to want to hold onto ED. If that makes sense. I don't want to need ED. I'm not benefiting from it in any way. I'm only fighting with myself and fighting against the help I'm getting.

Tonight I'm going out for dinner with a group of my friends. We're saying goodbye to one of our "group" members. He's leaving tomorrow night, which is really sad, because I was only just starting to get to know him. But going out to eat is not something I do. It's not something I am comfortable with yet. I'm eating my dinner before going out... So I'll just be sitting at a table full of my friends eating. I always feel so awkward and... Abnormal. But ED delights in this. Look at what they're eating! You know you want it... You know you could just ask to taste it... But you can't! You can't, because you'll get fat! You're disgusting for wanting to try it, you fat, fat idiot. You don't deserve anything! It goes on and on and on. To make it worse, we're going out afterwards for gelati. I've never had gelati before, but I've seen the place where we're going. I'm not... Sure. Part of me wants to just have some, to be normal, to join in and just... DO IT. But ED keeps taunting me... Read above. A really prominent part of me wants to challenge myself, to challenge ED. But after being weighed, everything I put in my mouth I feel guilty about. ED screams, I scream on the inside, I cry. It's not a very nice relationship I have with myself.
Hey. You know what? I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to worry myself over it. If I feel like a gelati, I'm going to fricken have a gelati! And ED can't do a damn thing about it. But we will see, when the time comes. But the time isn't now, so it doesn't have to be of concern.

In some ways, I feel like I've progressed. But in other ways, I feel like I've regressed. As I said before, I'm uncertain about everything. There's no one answer. If I think I've made a decision, I'll second guess it, and question it, and then I wont end up making a decision at all.

I've got my fingers crossed for a good night, tonight. And a better day tomorrow. A day without uncertainty and stress and anxiety and pressure and all the rest.
I need to relax.

Love, love, love.
♥ ♥ ♥