Everywhere & Nowhere. What's new!?

Before I do anything else:
GO AND GET THIS NOW

You will thank me.

Today is/was Saturday. Saturday means Weigh-Day/Nutrition Nightmare/Dietitian Doomsday/Any-other-smart-ass-name-Day. Needless to say, Friday night was a blur of hatehatehateIdon'tneedadietician-she'sstupid-thisispointless-shecan'ttellmewhattodo. You get the picture, right? I've complained about it often enough for it to be obvious how I feel towards this dreaded day and the woman behind it.
I actually feel terrible for making her out to be some form of evil Devil-Woman, because really, she's just doing her job. She's advising me and my parents on what the best plan of action in regards to me restoring health is.

The woman behind it, really, is me. The reason I have to go through this rigmarole is because of me. I'm the cause of the anxiety, I'm the cause of my mother's hostility towards me, I'm the person who's "in the shit". And that, in all honesty, makes me sound like a selfish little brat who thinks of no one but herself.

My mother also thinks that of me. Which hurts more than me calling myself that. (Used to putting down myself? Not good, but true.) Of all things, hurting my parents and jeapodising my relationship with them was the last thing on my mind. Yes, I would wound up in myself and my problems and my struggles and my body and my everything else. So I can see where she's coming from. Every way I turn, I feel guilty, and no matter how I try to explain that I don't mean to be hurting her, she never gets it, or wants to get it. I can't make her understand, and that empty space between her and me has been filling me with this cold and lonely feeling. Pain, guilt, frustration.

Back to my appointment... Well, I was expecting quite a large gain. Recently I've been feeling bigger, and I can't help but think how bad I look.. How much I miss how I looked before. That's sick, I know, and it's something I've been working very hard on changing. But anyway, I thought I'd gained, and with my extra snacking I was convinced I'd at the very least maintained. But whaddya know? I lost weight. I don't honestly know why I was surprised. I've been at school, where without realizing it, I've been much more active. Walking up stairs, walking from class to class, walking to school and home again (albeit a short walk to and from school)... And my friend, K, pointed out to me that in regards to me thinking that I am bigger, it's probably a lot to do with the fact that I've been comparing myself to every.single.girl that walks past me at school these past two weeks. Her logic is flawless.

It's amazing how different a situation, a sentence, an object or a thing can look when you view it from a different perspective. I haven't been putting anything into perspective in these last few weeks - I realize now that that's one of the reasons why I've been struggling so much. I'm looking at things in a negative way, when I could easily be turning my situations into positive things. I always assume the worst will happen.

"It can't last." = "I'm doing it now, and that's all that matters."

"What if I fall behind..." = "If I start falling behind, I've got all the help I need to catch up."
"I will never meet any new people or make any new friends..." = "It's only been two weeks, I've got so much time to make new friends!"

This is my challenge to myself. Instead of viewing everything negatively, I'm going to turn my perspective around, and look at things in a positive way, and if I can't manage that, then I'll take a neutral stance. I will not continue beating myself up over things that either haven't happened yet or have happened and are out of my control.
I lost weight, but that has shown me that those extra snacks haven't made me "magically" put on 10 pounds. Those extra snacks are snacks my body needs as fuel to run as smoothly as possible.

ED, I quit.

I apologise for the all-over-the-place post. I'm not sure where my head is at the moment, but as long as my head's in the general vicinity of my neck/shoulder region, I think I'm doing okay as far as staying together goes.

I love you all. Remember that. We are such amazing creations. Each of us is different, yet we are all similar. We are similiar in that we are all beautiful, in our own unique ways. Be who you are, and don't be afraid of that. Stop and think about the things you say to yourself, the things you say of or about yourself. If they're negative, why? Why can't it be something positive?
My challenge to you is to turn those negative thoughts around. If only one. Change your perspective on your thoughts, yourself, your situations.
I wish you could all see yourselves for the beautiful girls you are.

love, love, love.