Like ripping off a band-aid.

I just "woke up" from taking a much-needed "nap". I put these in quotation marks because I didn't actually wake up because I was never actually asleep. I am not feeling my best at the moment - I came home from school early today because I just couldn't be there. My head was throbbing, I was on the verge of tears all day, I felt like I wanted to disappear. I still feel like I want to disappear.

I wish I was in a better mood. I wish I was in a better place. I wish I could truly grasp onto this amazing thing called "life".

This path, leading to a place full of the most beautiful things,  where smiling isn't frowned upon and laughter is encouraged; where loving is the fuel that keeps the world turning; where feeling happiness is the only feeling felt; where thinking is free and speaking your mind isn't feared; where I can be without pretending, smile without forcing it, accept myself, love myself.

I want to be in that place. But I don't want to have to get there first.

I want to take a hold of the hand being held out for me, instead of avoiding it in fear of it damaging my sense of independence. I want to accept that help, that warm and strong hand, and allow it to lead me along that path to what's called life. But I'm also scared of that help, because it's taking me away from what I know.

The strong part of me tells me that what I know is what's hurting me. What I'm comfortable with is stopping me from happiness. The place I'm in now is a prison, I'm walled in, stuck, alone, neglected.

It's harder for a wound to heal if you don't treat it first. It might close up, but it will leave an ugly scar. Or it might become infected and become more troublesome than it origionally was.

I need to treat my wound if I want it to go away. Yes, the initial treatment is going to hurt, it's going to sting, I'm probably going to cry out in pain and wish I hadn't gone through with it. But after that initial hurt, my wound will start to heal. The pain will dull, the sting will subside, the tears will dry up and eventually, I'll end up blemish/scar/wound free. Who wants an ugly scar? Who wants an infected wound, that could simply have been avoided? Not many, not most.

That's what Anorexia is. It's an open wound, and the longer it's left to fester, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to heal. Accepting treatment might come at a cost, but that's only temporary. I think, deep down, it's worth the initial pain, instead of suffering a long-lasting, possibly never-fully-healed wound. It's worth that initial pain, it is. The more I tell myself, the more easily I'll believe it.

I need this treatment. I need this help. I need guidance, mediation, support, a warm and strong hand to hold on to.

 

I'm sick of this bony, cold, hard hand that's been latched onto mine for however long it's been. I'm sick of this soulless creature trying to suck away mine. I'm sick of my heart being pulled to pieces and coloured black and blue. I'm sick of being void of energy and ability to do the things I want&need to do. I am sick of being sick.

I can't stand hating myself, wishing I was the skin and bones of a ghost of a girl. That thought sickens me above all else - that I wish to be sick, look sick, feel sick. This doesn't make me special. It makes me lifeless.

I know that I am capable of so much and with this overpowering illness, poisoning my mind and thoughts and taking away my better judgement and my rationality, I am never going to be the person I know I'm capable of being.

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I could keep writing word after word after word, in the hope that somehow I'll write myself into an epiphany and leave this shell of a life behind me, but I know that won't happen. This comes from within, and for it to actually do anything I have to take that offered hand and be helped along this path. At the end of that path, my future waits. But until I get there, I have no future. No future worth having, anyway.

I hope this isn't going to cause any of you beautiful girls to think the worse of me. I'm trying, and I know that some days are going to be much harder than others. I'm just having a hard time right now. But you girls help me through. You girls get me by. I don't know where I'd be without you and I don't want to even begin to think about that place. Because I've got you, and that's what matters.

I need to let go of what I've been holding onto, and take a hold of what I know will set me free.

love, love, love.