Today would had to have been the most exhausting day I've had in a long while. An adventure I wasn't really willing to take part in. Today was what we call "Orientation Day", where the Year 10s go over to Senior College (Year 11 and 12) and experience one of their school days. That meant, spending a day in a school I'm unfamiliar with, amongst hundreds of kids my age I have never seen before. To put it frankly, I was terrified. I'd worked myself into a sweat this morning, deciding what to wear. I kept putting myself down: You look fat in that! Your hair looks so gross today! Look at your face, it's so ugly! And it wouldn't stop. Of all days, ED had to make his presence known today.
I've never felt so intimidated in my life! So many girls, so pretty and slim and 'perfect'. I compared myself to all of them... Well, ED did. She's so much skinnier than you, her legs look so good, but yours don't. She's so much prettier than you, you're nothing compared to her. The comparisons, obviously, were pointless, because of course I'm not going to have the same facial features or figure as the next girl, because we're all unique. ED wouldn't bite that, though. Went off on its own merry way. I felt like I was being picked apart and torn to pieces by every single pair of eyes... I felt like I wasn't good enough for any of these people.
Now, although my day wasn't as great as it could have been, I accomplished something in spite of all ED was saying. I ate my snack, and I ate my lunch. I was considering not eating it, because "my parents would never know", but I ignored ED, and I had that damn sandwich! I knew I needed it, I knew my body needed it. I was feeling extremely headachey; unfortunately I still am now, but I did what was right by my body, and not what was deemed right by ED.
I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. My positivity levels could be higher, but after reading all the beautiful comments from yesterday's post, my heart grew. It's amazing, the power of words.
Today was a big wake-up call. I've got to be healthy to be able to get through next year, because it's going to be hard. I need to be as strong and healthy, both physically and mentally, to cope with the new lifestyle and work load. So in a way, I'm glad I went through with and didnt cop out, like I normally would have. It was a lesson that needed to be learned.
I want to get the most out of life, but to get the most out of life I have to give myself the chance to live.
I am learning to live again.
I'm not going to live a half-life. I only have one chance, so I am going to make the most of the time I have, with the life I have. I will not waste a moment more in darkness when I could be shining with the life I know I can have.
And you can all shine with me.
Love, love, love.
I've never felt so intimidated in my life! So many girls, so pretty and slim and 'perfect'. I compared myself to all of them... Well, ED did. She's so much skinnier than you, her legs look so good, but yours don't. She's so much prettier than you, you're nothing compared to her. The comparisons, obviously, were pointless, because of course I'm not going to have the same facial features or figure as the next girl, because we're all unique. ED wouldn't bite that, though. Went off on its own merry way. I felt like I was being picked apart and torn to pieces by every single pair of eyes... I felt like I wasn't good enough for any of these people.
Now, although my day wasn't as great as it could have been, I accomplished something in spite of all ED was saying. I ate my snack, and I ate my lunch. I was considering not eating it, because "my parents would never know", but I ignored ED, and I had that damn sandwich! I knew I needed it, I knew my body needed it. I was feeling extremely headachey; unfortunately I still am now, but I did what was right by my body, and not what was deemed right by ED.
I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. My positivity levels could be higher, but after reading all the beautiful comments from yesterday's post, my heart grew. It's amazing, the power of words.
Today was a big wake-up call. I've got to be healthy to be able to get through next year, because it's going to be hard. I need to be as strong and healthy, both physically and mentally, to cope with the new lifestyle and work load. So in a way, I'm glad I went through with and didnt cop out, like I normally would have. It was a lesson that needed to be learned.
I want to get the most out of life, but to get the most out of life I have to give myself the chance to live.
I am learning to live again.
I'm not going to live a half-life. I only have one chance, so I am going to make the most of the time I have, with the life I have. I will not waste a moment more in darkness when I could be shining with the life I know I can have.
And you can all shine with me.
Love, love, love.
9 comments:
You're head was telling you she was slimmer, but you would have been much thinner than her!
You're beautiful Eleanor, trust me! If she was prettier than you then I find that hard to believe!
Love you
xxxxx
Its okay. Everyone has bad days! You are a gorgeous girl and nothing can change that[: ED doesnt know what the heck its talking about!
xoxxx,
sophie
www.oatsandchocolate.wordpress.com
You know what is best for you and eating in of utmost importance for everyone but you have to eat more so than other as you are not a healthy young girl and its the only way for you to be healthy again. You did the right thing, i am ever so proud of you.
Love Jessica.
You are so beautiful Eleanor; you turned a day full of negative thoughts into the driving force behind a super-charged motivation towards recovery.
As you continue on this amazing journey, you will learn to love the experience and freedom that comes along with the new school. t will be harder, but you will be stronger and more beautiful than ever. You can accomplish anything my dear!
<3 love
Tat
Orientation days are stressful for everyone... it wouldn't surprise me if most of the people you (or your ED) were envying felt exactly the same way about YOU as you did about them! You should be extremely proud of yourself for doing what was right for you, even if it was difficult. :)
<3 <3
Oy, I never liked going to orientations. I didn't have one for high school, though... just sorta got thrown in there on the first day and that was that. x3
It's wonderful to see that each day, your mind is getting less focused with ED and more on YOU; I can see that you're becoming more rational and make smarter choices. Don't back down! Keep it up! You're doing so well, Eleanor.
Oh shizz. I can't remember if I managed to get my message through but I just wanted to say how immensely proud I am of you and that you are shining brighter and brighter each day! You are an inspiration and a true fighter! *hugs* Keep it up hun! You are so worth the fight!!
xx
we are all different and unique in our way - believe, by the time ED has given up and gone home because you are so damn strong you will embrace your whole self. Not that I can speak from experience, because I too am still struggling, but in the end we'll be so much wiser than we are now! Other girls are just as self-conscious, though you may not know it.
you are amazing and beautiful. As are your wonderful words. Keep all this positivity flowing my love, and continue to fight ED!
xoxo
oh its so so hard :( a trudging journey. but we will get thyrough it.
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