I'm Alive, but Unwell.

It's been two weeks since I last posted.
Yes, I am still alive. But so much has happened in these last two weeks; some good, a lot bad. 

My time away has taught me a lot. It's given me some more independence, but at the same time it's made me realise how strong my eating disorder still is.

I haven't, in fact, lost any weight. On the contrary, I've gained some. But that is where the problem lies.

I know I have talked about this before, and I didn't think so much of it back then. Now, however, I've been shown just how much of a problem it really is.

I have been binge eating.  Every day.
Regardless of how well I eat during the day, I come home, eat dinner, then eat everything in sight. It's happened every single day for two whole weeks - I  am out of control. No one I have told - my therapist and dietitian especially - think it's an issue. BUT IT IS. If it wasn't bothering me so much, I wouldn't be crying about it every night and every morning.

 I don't know what to do about it. I think being at home will ease some stress a little bit, but these problems were happening at home, too. I hate food, and I hate the amount I'm eating - I'm not even hungry when I'm doing it. I just do it to DO it, and that is not healthy. 

I'm lost, girls. I'm lost in this spiral of extreme self-loathing and hatred right now. My body image issuess have hit an all-time high, and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and stop eating altogether. I know that's not an option, but the conflicting thoughts in my head are driving me insane. One side is telling me to EATEATEAT, and the other side is telling me to RESTRITRESTRICTRESTRICT. I don't know what to do. 

I just want all of this to go away.

I don't need another eating disorder.

...And She's Off.

Tomorrow I leave my house, my family, my town; three whole weeks away from everything I need an escape from.

I'm scared. Terrified.

But I'm ready, too. I'm ready for change, ready for a new way of life, ready for freedom.
I am ready to find myself, whoever that may be. And I think I might be ready to embrace that person.

I've steadily gained weight over the past few weeks, and have gotten to a point where I can maintain. I realise that it would be so easy to lose weight while away. But that is not the idea. The idea of my mini-holiday is for me to overcome my fear of weight, numbers, food. That is what I plan on doing, and I will put my absolute all into everything I do.

I want freedom.
I want independence.
I want a life.

With effort, persistence, perseverance and a lot of courage, I will get what I want.

Triumph.

 

I. 

Ate. 

JELLYBEANS.

Body Woes.

I cannot thank you all enough for the advice you have given me and the kindness you have shown me. I don't know how you all do it, but I am grateful. More than grateful. I am blessed, honoured and touched.

Thoughts don't have beginnings. Thoughts don't have endings. Thoughts simply come and go – in thinking about how to write down my feelings I am only lead to disappointment as my thoughts simply don't stay still. They drift in and out, like clouds passing over the blue sky above. Only my thoughts are heavy clouds, threatening rain, and my sky is not the happiest shade of blue but a pale, almost grey hue. Oh, some thoughts are bright and cheerful, such as the thoughts I have of my puppy, or a close friend. But the majority of my sky is dark and grey, heavy and weighed down, tainted.

I thought (here these thoughts come, again) that gaining weight would lead me to be happier and healthier. But the only thing I feel right this very minute is a hatred so deep that I cannot see the bottom of it. It weighs down my heart; my mind is being held hostage by this monstrous eating disorder and the thoughts are the darkest shade of hate.
I can feel myself growing, I can feel my body changing. Should I not be embracing that change? The transition from child to woman, curves and all. Why do I only see a body that is out of proportion? Why do I only see things that I hate? Why can't I love my thighs? Why can't I at least accept that I have heavy-set thighs?
These questions have no answers, and if they do it is one and the same: because the eating disorder is still strong.

Gaining weight is not a failure. The rational side of me knows this. The rational side of me knows that I am so much more than what my eating disorder tells me I am. I am much more than the shape of my body and the space between my thighs (which is steadily disappearing). I am much more than the amount of food I consume or do not consume. I am much more than my facial features, my hair, my skin and my bones.
I am me, Eleanor. But why can't I accept her?

***

I have gained some more weight. With that weight gain has come extremely loud hateful and self-loathing thoughts.
Watching my mother disappear right before my very eyes has made the weight gain hard to come to terms with. Time and time again I have tried to tell her how the weight loss has affected me and strengthened the eating disorder; time and time again I have tried telling her that her tiny, mini-meals make me feel like a glutton; time and time again I have tried telling her what this has all done to me, and time and time again she has not listened. She is stressed. She is depressed. I UNDERSTAND THAT. But it's almost as if she can't understand that her weigh loss has made me stressed and depressed. She is my mother, my role-model, my rock. Losing that makes my fight all the more harder, and I feel like giving in.

Getting away might solve some problems. But I will have to come back. I will be coming back to the same old mess. I want to get away forever.
I'm going to be under constant supervision while I am away. My freedom and independence is minimal. I am pretty much going from one hospital environment to another; my aunty will be supervising my meals, just as Dad did at home.
To be honest, I am terrified of going away. I am terrified of the meals I'll be eating, the amount I'll be eating, the weight I will gain and the way I will look upon returning.
Is this my fear, or is the eating disorder? I can't tell. It's becoming too hard to tell.

***

My thoughts are muddled. But what I am sure of is that the support I receive from you is enough to keep me going.
Thank you.

Mish Mash.

There are no words I can string together that justly express my appreciation and love for you girls. I wish words didn't fail me so, because writing is the one way in which I am able to express my thoughts and feelings. But it just goes to show the power of love and support and friendship. It goes to show how much you all mean to me.

This container of peanut butter was full, four days ago. Today, this container of peanut butter is empty.
Yes. I ate a full jar of peanut butter in less than a week.

This brings up all sorts of emotions, both good and bad. It's put me in a place of confusion. I don't know how to correctly deal with the thoughts in my head, whether to listen to them or to ignore them. The overriding feeling here is guilt, with a side of disgust and horror in the mix.

This empty peanut butter jar symbolises something else, too. It symbolises freedom, in a way. For such a long time, I have been resisting food, resisting recovery, resisting a life outside of my eating disorder. I have conformed to its rules, listened to its every word, made sure to keep a hold of it somehow, in some way. But over the past week something has changed. It's almost as if I have "given up" on my eating disorder and instead I'm eating my way through jars of peanut butter to prove a point: I am over being associated with Anorexia.

But that doesn't stop the fear of me developing the opposite problem, being binge eating. It hasn't just been peanut butter that I've consumed in excess amounts. It's been honey, cereal, milk, dried fruit, nuts… Yes, all of these things are "healthy" and I realise that, but the amount in which these foods are consumed is not healthy.
This is such an awkward topic for me to discuss. But could it just be that my body is finally so over being half starved that it's craving the very thing that keeps a human alive? That's likely. It just doesn't stop me fearing that things could get out of control.

Do any of you have suggestions for me? I'm sick of asking for help, but in times of desperation, it is you who I go to because it is you all that help me through some of my darkest days.

***

Escape.
Escaping from the mother with protruding bones and skinny limbs.
Escaping from the father with a dictatorial approach and a need to keep a hold on his daughter.
Escaping from the place in which my disorder began.
Escaping from the disorder itself.

Am I running away from my problems, instead of dealing with them? That's a question I've yet to answer, though I doubt – like many of my questions – it will be answered.
I have found a place to stay for a little while, away from the mother, the father, the place and (hopefully) the disease. A place in which I have the potential to be the independent woman I was born to be; a place in which I have the chance to explore – not only the surroundings, but the inner corners of my mind; place in which I am able to find myself, my real self, without the association of a disease.
This is a chance for me to be me, and no one but me.
I want to take this chance. I know it comes with risks, I know that being away from home poses the potential for me to slip back, but if I slip back I will be going straight back into hospital. That's not the idea. The idea isn't to go away, escape, and lose all the weight I gained.
No. The idea is for me to go away, to take a break, and to come back refreshed and instilled with peace and a clear direction.

I want to feel like myself again. I want to be able to deal with things without using food as a coping mechanism. I want to be human.
I want to be me.
I want to be free.

Family Ties.

Just as a forewarning, this post is going to be quite emotional, disorganised and desperate cry out for help, advice and support. I apologise in advance for those brave enough to read through the thoughts swimming through the pools of my mind, but at the moment blogging is the only outlet I have and the only thing I can firmly hold on to.

***

What does one do when their rock, their foundation upon which they have built themselves, begins to crumble?
What does one do when the most important person in their life beings to spiral out of control, and become a negative influence?

What does one do when their mother, their best friend, their true life-partner, starts to walk down the same path that they themselves walked down?
What does one do when their mother starts to use the same excuses that they themselves once used?
What does one do when their role-model presents them with the temptation to go back down that path they once walked, the path that they are trying to walk away from?

What do I do when I see my mother losing kilo after kilo, seeing bone after bone appearing, skipping meal after meal and refusing to give in to her obvious signs of hunger? What do I do? How do I deal with this situation? How do I look after her? How do I convince her to change her ways before it becomes too late?

* * *

I am sorry for all of the questions. I am trying my hardest to answer these questions for myself but I keep drawing up blank and empty. Watching my mother drain herself of life is draining me of the willpower I somehow mustered up to getting myself back on track. When I see Mum heading off the tracks, I can't seem to justify me staying on them, either. When I see her skipping meals, I can't seem to justify eating.
Her actions are making it so much harder for me to keep myself doing the right thing. I've lost weight, and it's getting harder and harder to gain it back again when I see her shrinking right in front of me. I know I can't hold her as an excuse, and I am trying not to, but it's also extremely hard to not be swayed into that eating disordered mind-set when it's happening to the person I love the most.

She's seen her daughter fade away. Now the tables have turned.
How is that fair? How can she make me gain weight when she needs to gain weight, too? How can I eat when she doesn't eat? How is that right?
It's not right.

I don't want to feel cold anymore. I don't want to feel sick, empty, simultaneously hungry & bloated. I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to be hurt.
And I don't want my mother to become a disordered eater.

* * *

Our family is splitting up. The details are complicated. Basically:
My Dad is moving out, but he's going to be here during the day to monitor my meals.
He'll just be gone in the morning and before Mum gets home from work in the evening.
I have no change. Change is what I crave. Change is what I need.

I need to escape from this; from all of this. From Mum, from Dad, from this house, from this town. But I have nowhere to go. The only place I can go is back into hospital, and they won't accept me now because my weight isn't critical anymore. The only other alternative is residential treatment, and that costs a fortune, and I would be subjected to people who've had eating disorders for years. That wouldn't be good for me. That isn't really an option.

I guess I'm just… hopeless right now.
Hopelessly looking for answers to questions that don't have answers.
Trying to justify eating and gaining weight in a world that is losing it.

I need a reason.

Coming Clean.

I have so much to lose, so much to throw away.
But for what?
This inner being, this possession, this all-encompassing darkness of the heart, mind and soul – it has taken so much from me already.
It's stripped me bare of happiness, as well as health. The two go hand-in-hand, though: happiness and health.
It's stripped me of opportunities, possibilities, chances to succeed and feel proud.
It's stripped me of the abilities I once possessed. It's stripped me of the joy those abilities brought me.
It's stripped me of love; from friends and family, to my own love. My self-love, self-acceptance, self-appreciation and self-confidence. It's stripped me of the memory of ever feeling those feelings.

But I still have so much to lose.

I have a future ahead of me. That can be lost.
I have a mother, a father, two brothers and a puppy that love me. I have friends close to my heart that love me. I have extended family that love me. All of these people appreciate me, my words, my company and my love. They, too, can be lost.
I have passions, hobbies, abilities, talents. They can be lost.
I have hopes and dreams. They can be lost.

I have a whole life ahead of me that, at the moment, feels empty and bare of all hope. But that life, it is there and it can be lived. And it can also be lost.
I don't want to lose my life, my future, my family and my friends, my passions, desires, hopes and dreams. I don't want to lose the chance to succeed in life; I don't want to lose the chance at actually living life.
Right now, I am not living. I am existing in a barren wasteland, a breeding ground of hate and self-loathing. There is no chance of life in this place. The only way for me to come back into life is to accept that I need help, and to accept that there is more to life than Anorexia. This dark cloud above my head has been there for far too long, raining down on me whenever I even think I see the sun. The help I need is going to protect me from that hard, cold rain. It's going to push those clouds aside and let the sun shine down on me, finally. I'm wasting away here, all by myself in this realm of dark and misery. I need to let in the light. I need a hand to hold onto. I don't want to depend on anyone but right now, I need to. I need to put my life in the hands of those that know how to make the hurt go away.

Ultimately, it all comes down to me and whether or not I accept the hand that's being held out for me.

I think it's time.
It's time to start living. It's time to start participating in life.
It's time to find my place in the world.
It's time to find me.

I have so much to lose.
But I also have so much to gain.
Life.

Clear as Mud.

Uncertainty is the only thing I can be certain of,
The unknown is the only thing I know.
Unfamiliarity is the only thing I am familiar with,
The unexpected is the only thing I can expect.
My lessons have yet to be learned.

I look ahead and see only shadows: shadows of what could be, what may be, what might be. The future is colourless, as it has yet to be painted and shaded in with emotion, experience and knowledge.
I have a head full of nothing, yet I feel as if I already know it all. Or maybe it is a desire to know it all that I am feeling; an endless pit in my brain, never to be completely full. Perhaps that is what all minds are; pits, waiting to be filled to brimming but never quite reaching. Just as the Universe expands, so do our minds and brains. There is always something more to learn, something more to find and discover and become. We are forever unsatisfied, but it is the thrill of perhaps achieving this state of being in which we are finally satisfied that we chase. Like the carrot in front of the donkey to keep it walking, such is the desire to learn more, to reach that ultimate goal - whatever it may be doesn't matter. It's a purpose, a reason.

But what happens if what we are searching for is our purpose? What then? Is our purpose in life to find our purpose? Perplexing; more-so confusing and frustrating as the need to actually have a purpose is growing stronger every day. What point is there in waking up every morning to a day full of nothing, a day in which a purpose is not clear? It is not my purpose to find a purpose – that is an endless cycle. My purpose is not yet clear, but my stubbornness is set in that I will find one. I will find a reason to rise in the morning and go about my day; I will find a reason to smile, to live and to learn. Although passion for learning is purpose enough, there is an unsettling notion that there is more out there.

Will I know when I have found my purpose? What will it feel like? How will I react? Will it be clear? Will I need to dig deeper? Will I be absolutely certain?

But what if there is no such thing as certainty?
What if there is no such thing as the known?
What if it goes beyond familiarity?
What if it cannot be expected?
What if I simply just let things go?

***

A cup of tea sits barely touched beside me. I am not hungry or thirsty for physical things. I am hungry – ravenous, even – for certainty. To know what is to happen, to foresee future events – that would satisfy me and my mental desires.
I just want to know that things will be okay in the end.

She can talk the talk, but can she walk the walk?

Her eyes scanned the menu board, looking for something safe. She knew what she wanted, and what she wanted wasn't enough. She knew that, too. She scanned and scanned, looking from menu board to food bar, then shook her head. Deep down, she knew that she could have opted for an extreme skimpy, poor excuse of a lunch: "I'll have the salad without the dressing, the cheese, and the croutons, please". But she didn't. She also could have gotten an extremely scary, unfamiliar and uncomfortable bowl of food. Yes, she didn't. Instead, her and her mother went off to another possible place to lunch. Equally as scary were those foods, but her eyes met with a food item that she could simply not resist. Carby? Yes. Fatty? Most definitely. Scary? Like you wouldn't believe. But her desire for this slice of fear-on-a-plate made her tummy grumble. And so, Eleanor nodded her head this time and that was that. Lunch was ordered, eaten and most of all, enjoyed.

***

I'm not saying that I don't regret ordering what I did, because a part of me does regret ordering that Zucchini Slice. Floury and pastry filled, oily, egg-y, fatty… Those were only some of the thoughts going through my head as my knife and fork entered the spongy slice. It's safe to say that it was the least safe option. I could've had a sandwich, minus the butter and cheese, or I could've had a wrap, without the mayo, but I didn't. I got exactly what I wanted, and yes, I was overcome with dread, but I ate it. It's in my tummy now, where it belongs.

It's been a long, long time since I've eaten out in my town. The last time I did that, it was a fruit salad, and I tried to tell everyone (as well as myself) that it was a suitable lunch, while everyone else was eating burgers and foot-long subs from Subway. Oh, how times have changed. Today, I went out to lunch with my Mum, after being told countless times by everyone that I need to – excuse the language – pull my finger out of my ass and just do it.

For as long as I can remember I have been floating along, not getting better, but not getting worse. I've just been treading water. But that got me thinking: I'm using all of my energy staying stagnant, in a miserable and unfulfilling place in my life, when I could be using that energy to better myself, my health and my life. Why would I choose to settle for less than what I truly deserve? Hence the advice to pull my finger out.

My therapist has given my many, many methods of coping, of dealing, of moving forward, but I haven't taken any of that advice. I nod my head, I agree, I say "I can do that" – but I never do. I'm a bullshit artist, to put it mildly. I can't fool anyone. I can't fool myself. I'm sick of being in a constant state of fear, and the only way to get rid of that overwhelming feeling is to actually face those fears and eradicate them. Granted, that is easier said than done, but it's not impossible. My therapist herself is proof that there's life beyond an eating disorder and the disordered 'fantasy world'.

I admit it. I'm going to be cocky and egotistical. I did a brave thing today.
and damnit am I proud.

There’s no explanation or forewarning.

Unfamiliarity, uncertainty, hopelessness; overwhelmed with emotion but somehow deadened to all feeling.

When the foundations upon which your whole life was built start to crumble, what are you left with but the pieces of was your everything? What do you do with those pieces? How do you start to build again when you haven't even the strength to lift your head up above the rubble? And why, why do you take on all the responsibility of it?

This is my life at the moment. And it pains me – frustrates and annoys me – to start off a blog post with such depressing words. A black cloud looms above my life, threatening to tumble down with the hardest, heaviest and most destructive rain. It darkens every one of my days – a smile is always regretted, a laugh inconceivable, fun unheard of.

There has been too much going on to even begin to explain where I've been, what I've done, how far I've come or fallen back. There have been ups, downs, weight gains and losses, body image misery, physical strengthening and mental weakening… A barrel full of events and emotions to match every occasion.
There has been a major upheaval of my once comfortable family life. My parents – mother especially – has completely lost her way in the world, and with it her love for my father. My father is trying with all his might to hold on to my mother, and to me, which is suffocating for both her and myself. Dad doesn't know what to do, and in his confusion he is clutching onto the preparation of my food intake with such dependence and obsessiveness that it is having a devastating effect on my love for and my connection with him.

My family is falling apart, and I know within me that when the time comes to choose, my choice will be my mother. For as long as I can remember, I have not had a proper relationship with her. She loves me, and always has, but up until recently we have never shared that special bond I hear so much about. I have that now, as I am growing up and becoming more mature and adult-like. I can't let go of that, and I can't be without her. That choice and decision breaks my heart because I feel like I'm making my Dad out to be a bad person. I hate that I have chosen one parent over the other – what sort of person does that? What sort of person doesn't want both parents when they have the option?

My eating disorder has become so much a part of my life that it's the only thing my Dad associates me with now. He doesn't think I am 'ready' to look after myself, he doesn't think me capable. I need to try. Having to depend on someone to get my food ready for me keeps me ingrained in this disease. The independence I crave has been muffled and shut away from me, because I'm 'not ready'. I will never be ready if I don't have the chance to. I hate being monitored, I hate being dependent, I hate being treated like a disease and not a human. I've come to a point in my life where I feel more adult that child, and more ready to be a part of this world. I want to be my own person in this world. It's the only thing I've got – I am the only person I have, especially now when my parents are both confused and battling with their own problems. I have become their problem; I am involved in this situation because I am emotionally and mentally mature enough to understand, but I will never be emotionally and mentally strong enough to cope with it. I know this is a dangerous time for me because I could easily let my health go the way-side, but I honestly can't deal with that anymore. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to die.

I'm further forward in recovery than I've ever been, yet Dad doesn't seem to think so. I weigh more now than ever before, but that's not enough? I don't know. I don't know anything, to be honest; that uncertainty, unfamiliarity and hopelessness goes deeper than my mind and heart. It is me. And that's something I have to deal with. I can't become someone elses problems. I can't become my own problems. I have to just become, and now of all times is the time to do it. When my parents are both fighting their own personal problems, I have no one I can fully rely on other than myself.

I'm talking myself around in circles. I don't even expect anyone to read this. Sending my thoughts out into the world wide web offers me some sense of relief. It's not my problem anymore, it's in the Universe's hands now.
I need to trust the Universe, if nothing else.

No Excuses.

There are too many possible excuses I could use as to why I have been so absent from my blog as of late. I could say that I've been busy, I could say that I've not had time, I could say that I've been focusing on school work, I could say I've been out there living my life and not felt the need to blog… But they would all be lies.
I have no excuses. I can't even say I've been 'afraid' of blogging, for fear of jinxing my positivity or sounding like a failure. I just… Haven't. And that's that. I haven't blogged because I haven't. That is my excuse.

* * *

She woke up slowly, unaware of the time. Her alarm hadn't been set for almost a week, because there was no point in her getting up at the crack of dawn; she needed the extra hours of sleep and she savoured them. When her mind had fully woken up – or at least, woken up as much as possible in the still early hours of the morning – she was instantly hit by an overwhelming feeling of fear. Laying in her bed, she knew exactly how her day would follow through. She knew the things that would be in it, she knew the course of events, she knew what she'd be eating, who she'd be seeing, what she'd say and how she'd feel. She knew all of this, because that was how each and every one of her days panned out. Her life was a cycle; a never-ending cycle of monotony. She lay in bed, working through her day, dreading it.
And then she got up, to face the same day she'd faced the day before.


* * *

In the two or three weeks that I've been gone, so much has happened. I had one extremely good week in which I felt on top of the world, followed by a crash-and-burn week, in which I lost weight. And now, I am in the recuperation week in which I pick myself up, dust myself off and try to start again. To say I'd been riding an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement; all my life I have had ups and downs, but never before have I experienced the turbulence I have now found myself caught up in. Riding the Recovery Rollercoaster is exhausting, and walking the path to a 'better life' has left me somewhat lost, worn out and ready to plonk my ass down and rest for a while. Realistically I know that if I do rest, it will only be harder to get myself back up and going onward again, so instead of plonking my ass down I am taking it excruciatingly slowly; dragging my feet through the dirt, one after the other, in a pitiful state.

Somewhere during my "Blogger Break" , I got drunk for the first time. Somewhere during my break, I became a girlfriend again. Somewhere during my break, I lost weight, and somewhere during my break I began to gain it back again.
But all throughout this break of mine, I have been struggling to figure out just who I am and who I want to be. I often ask myself where I want to go in life, and the answers are always different. To get anywhere, I have to pass this year at school, which at the moment is looking very unlikely.
I have absolutely no motivation.
I have found myself in this mentality, which may be familiar: If I can't do it perfectly, there's no point doing it at all.
Yes. The "All Or Nothing" mentality. It's poisonous, it's deadly; it's best friends with procrastination.
I have two very unhelpful mentalities in my mind, both of which are hindering my progress both academically and recovery-wise. In other words, I'm in a funk, and I'm starting to drown.

Too much is going on in my head to make sense of. I've tried, and I've failed numerous times. I'm still so resistant to giving up my eating disorder, and that scares me. There is not one good thing I can name about having this ailment, yet I'm holding onto it like a child holds onto its favourite stuffed animal. My eating disorder is so far from a cuddly, comforting stuffed toy but the attachment I have to it makes it seem so. I am terrified of letting go, because I don't know what lies on the other side. I won't know what's on the other side if I don't give myself the chance of finding out!

My rational and irrational minds are raging away inside my head and to be honest, I'm sick of it. I was always sick of it but it's reached breaking point.

I want my life back. Or at least, I want a fresh, new, exciting and positive life.
I still haven't given up. I have latched on to the tiny ray of hope that I've been given by the support I've been shown through the Blog World. And I won't let go.

Symbolism.

It bewilders the mind to think that we have pasts that can't be visited. Photos and stories from loved ones are the only proof of certain events – our memories simply didn't capture and hold onto those moments in time. We have so much behind us, in our pasts, that cannot be recollected, but each and every moment were an integral part of making us who we are now. Our experiences, memorable or not, shaped us, and continue to shape us.
Looking through photo albums of when Eleanor was only a few days old, took me back to a time before I could remember. I felt so much a part of those photos, yet so distant and separate from them. That little, tiny baby, asleep in my mother's arms, was me. The thought has never occurred to me before, and it came to me for reasons unknown. When the brain is new it can't hold onto moments in time because it is so busy focusing on the present moment. It is learning, learning in order to survive - nothing else matters. It is just like when a brain is under-nourished. The only thing the brain can focus on is food, as it is what is necessary for survival. Again, nothing else matters.
When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, the only thing I can remember from that time was the constant thought of food. I don't remember any significant events, only that I was in a depressed state constantly. My mind was on food, or it was on nothing at all.
Not being able to remember past events when I was a newborn baby isn't nearly as terrifying as not being able to recall months of my life when I should've been able to. They are lost moments of time. Looking back on photographs of my childhood fills me with joy and excitement, because it's another story that can be told by my parents, but looking back on photographs of those months of sickness fills me with horror, disgust and sadness. There are no exciting stories to tell in those photos. They only capture a sad, empty and lonely girl – I don't want to remember what it was like in that state of mind, but the fact that I can't makes it all the more worse.

The past is in the past, though, and that is where it will forever stay. I want photos of me to capture happiness, liveliness and a healthy glow. I want to capture moments in time that I want to relive and remember. Life will not wait for me, and photos can only show bits and pieces of memories – instead of living in pictures and words, I want to live in the real world. I want to make my own past one that I'm proud of.

***

On this past Saturday, I spent the night at a friend's house with 3 lovely girls. I was filled with anxiety, annoyance that I had to bring my own food, and excitement all in one. It has been too long since I've done something fun and social, aside from the once-a-week coffee with two girlfriends of mine. I hadn't slept over someone's house since last year, and that thought made me sad. I took a chance, Saturday night, and decided to challenge myself. So what if I had to bring my own food? Those three girls were very understanding and accepting, making me feel welcome and… Normal.

That night, something symbolic happened. I'm ashamed to admit that the hospital band I'd been made to wear while I was away had been on my wrist since my discharge… Until Saturday night.
After watching the girls cook and eat their own dinner, I went into a room to change into my bedclothes. That's when my hospital band snapped off. I looked at it, sitting there in two pieces on the floor, and the only thing that came into my head was:
Freedom.
The breaking of my hospital band signified freedom; freedom from the chains that bind me to my eating disorder.
I had been wearing the band more out of habit than anything, but the fact that I hadn't made the effort to rid myself of it showed that I was unwilling to let go. This was the letting go that I needed, the kick in the pants that I required in order for me to move onward. It's made me realize how much more there is out there than being bound to a sad and lonely existence. Seeing those girls eat what they wanted, when they wanted, just because, gave me the motivation to do what was right for myself and my health. Those girls weren't constantly worried about what they ate, how much they ate; they didn't care about carbs or protein or fat. They simply just ate, because that is normal. I've become so used to this abnormal way of living, constantly thinking about food, the nutritional benefits or lack thereof. Those girls inspired me, and my broken hospital band was a sign. It is a sign that I am ready to move on, and that it is okay to move on.

I can be happy and healthy and whole, just like them.
It will take time, a lot of effort and hard work, and I will need help, but I will get to that place, and when I do, I'll look back and wonder why I ever let myself get so unwell. However, it has made me appreciate the small things in life, and life itself.

I will be free.
I am ready to be free.

It’s Been A Long Time.

I've been writing blog posts in my head all week, but when it comes to actually writing down my thoughts, failure & frustration ensue. So here is my last attempt at writing something literate.

Physically, I am father forward in recovery than I have ever been. Last week, I got over the 'scary' weight I had been avoiding for the entire year I was out of hospital. Last week, I crossed that line, and in doing so I slashed a huge hole in my emotional and mental stability. While everyone around me is proud, happy, elated – I am full of negative thoughts and feelings.

I read somewhere once that recovering from Anorexia is harder than being in Anorexia. It's the moving forward into the unknown, the uncomfortable, the ether otherwise known as life that scares the brain away from moving forward. Being in the throes of Anorexia is a comfort; everything is set out, everything is known, there's no uncertainty. It's a 'safe' place where everything stays the same and everything is seemingly in control. But when you take a step outside of that safety zone, that's when the hurt, the pain and the fear floods the mind, sending it into a downward spiral of negative energy and force.
While I am physically healing and strengthening, mentally I am sinking and weakening. Rationally, I know that this is because I am moving into an unknown place, and the disordered thoughts are trying with all their might to get me back into that safety bracket… But it's a hole. A bottomless hole of despair is not a hole that Eleanor wants to fall back down into. Eleanor wants to wake up in the morning, leap out of bed and smile at the dishevelled reflection in the mirror. Eleanor wants to eat when hungry, stop when full, not worry about how much or how little. Eleanor wants to live.

Being in an Eating Disorder will only lead Eleanor into the realm of Death. It will starve her of happiness, fulfilment, life.

The further along I get, the harder it becomes. There have been countless times where I've just wanted to give up and give in, because the way I know how to cope is 'easier'. That in itself is an unhealthy thought, and I have been trying with all my might to ignore those urges. I don't have any control over my food intake at the moment, which rationally I know is the only way things will improve. Give E.D. an inch and it will take it a mile, as the saying goes.
It's terrifying that these voices are so strong.

Yesterday I was talking to an ex boyfriend of mine about the things that go on inside my head. Externalising the Eating Disorder and viewing it from third person really helped to put things into perspective. Essentially, someone with an eating disorder is slowly killing themselves, existing basically on air and empty promises of happiness. The brain is constantly thinking of food because the body is so starved of it – take a candy away from a child and the child will kick and scream until it gets the candy back. Why would anyone do that to themselves? Stripping away the layers of happiness and joy in their life until they're left with the pieces of a broken body, soul, heart, mind and life? We become susceptible to the monsters that lie beneath the surface and turn to them as a way of putting meaning to a pitiful existence.
Seeing it without being a part of it makes me wonder how I got here in the first place, but also makes me want to be rid of it. That is my motivation. I don't want a pitiful existence. I don't want to die before I've done the things I want to do in life. I want to live happily, and to live happily I must first be physically able to. I need my health in order to live the life I want to live.

This post sounds somewhat positive, which surprised me as the only things in my life as of late have been viewed in a very negative light. But I'm not complaining.
The hard days will get harder, but the good days will get better.
And it will all be worth it in the end.

What A Day.

Ladies, I would like to introduce you all to the boy that stole my heart away.

He loves me like no one else ever has, he makes me feel like I'm the only one that matters. He makes me laugh and smile, putting me on a permanent high. I'm love struck.

I must warn you all now, though, that Green Eyed Monsters may find their way to the surface of your minds…
His name is Albi, and he is my baby boy.

* * *

She woke up like she did any other day: her alarm woke her from a dreamless slumber, just as it did every morning. But little did she know, today wasn't going to be like every other day she'd had so far: full of sadness, tears and monotony. Today would be anything but monotonous, sad and tearful.
As she was preparing herself for any other day, her phone gave off an unexpected ring. She answered it hesitantly.
"Hello?" she said.
"Hi El, it's Ard (my Mum's friend). I was wondering if you'd like to come shopping with me and Little Marissa (her baby) today? I've been home all week bored mindless and I think I've cleaned my bench top 9 times this morning."
At first, Eleanor didn't know what to say. This would throw her out of her normal – otherwise known as boring – routine. But she accepted.

* * *

And so started my day.
I haven't smiled so much in such a long time. I haven't had such amazing conversations in longer than I care to remember. Today, I was busy all day. I went shopping with my Mum's friend, who so happens to have the opposite problem to me. She is an overeater, and has been overweight almost her whole life. She's lost so much weight, and is looking better than she has in as long as I've known her. We talked about the similarities of our conditions, and I learnt so much from her. I learned that it's not just about food, it's about the mind, and the desperate lengths it will go to, to find ways of coping.
I had an amazing morning. But it didn't stop there.

This afternoon, an old boyfriend of mine, who I have had a very sketchy history with, asked me to go out for coffee with him. I accepted, not expecting to come home in a good mood. But I did.
He's always been such an intellectual, and it took today for me to realize just how much I miss the conversations I used to have with him. I talked about my condition, I talked about the thoughts that go on in my head and the fact that I always know that I'm doing something wrong at the time that I'm doing it, but not having control over the actions I follow through with. And he understood. He's an amazing guy, and as much as I was hurt by him, we've both grown on and past our previous life together, and reconnected on a different level. I lost him when I started getting sick. He left. But that's because he didn't know how to handle it, he didn't know what was going on and he didn't know how to do anything about it. That's understandable. It took me a long time to get over that, but I've matured and grown a lot since then.
We talked about how experiences change and make a person who they are. I came to the conclusion and realisation that, if I hadn't gotten this illness, I wouldn't have learned to appreciate life as much as I do now

.I had the most amazing day. I can't do my day justice with words, because it goes beyond explanation. I had a normal day. But it was an amazing day. I learned a lot about myself, and about the people I love and care about.
Today marks an important day in my recovery. My hard work so far has paid off, and maybe tomorrow I'll have an absolute horror of a day, but the fact that I had an amazing day today makes it all worth while. It makes the fight worth fighting. It gives me hope for more amazing days.

Let's learn to appreciate what we do have in life, instead of what the unrealistic wants we have. Let's learn to appreciate ourselves, for who we are and what we have to give to the world.

We're all beautiful. We're all strong. We're all worth fighting for.
We all have lives to live, that can be lived and will be lived.
Our experiences shape who we are, and teach us important life skills & lessons.
Life can be beautiful, if we learn to accept it for what it is.

How?

I'm the shadow behind you, creeping under the door,
I'm the scratch at your window, the dust on the floor.
I'm the clouds in the sky, hiding the sun,
I'm the raging wind, where the storm has begun.

I'm the waves of the ocean, the crash on the rocks,
I'm the howl of the wind, the sound that shocks.
I'm the grey of the sky, the thundering roar,
I'm the sinking ship, the boat with no oar.

I'm the voice with no sound, the lips that don't move,
I'm the worst kind of question, with no answer to choose.
I'm the deafening silence, the constant drone,
I'm the heaviest heart, the one made of stone.

I'm the thoughts at night, that keep you awake,
I'm the stranger in the dark, that stands at your gate.
I'm the waking nightmare, the repeated dream,
I'm the one you detest, I'm the reason you scream.

***

I've been too scared to post. I've been too scared to write down the things that are going on in my life, as if writing it all down will confirm it, making it reality. The sense of control craved in times of confusion is coming back with force, and that need for control is controlling me. It's stopping me from thinking rationally and logically, it's taking away what mental clarity I had.
It's getting harder instead of getting easier. Where's the promised happiness, the sense of freedom? The light at the end of the tunnel?
My light has gone out. I can't see anymore. I can't see anything. I'm surrounded by this haze, this shadow. My vision, my clarity, my thoughts are all blurred; stumbling has become the new means of getting around, and every time I fall down it's harder to get back up.

This is all mentally, of course. Physically, I am on the up, which is why I'm so confused as to the lack of happiness/freedom/peace of mind. The walls of which I had built up as a means of protection, love and support are crumbling around me and on top of me, which has left me aching for the control which allowed me to deal with my troubles before. Before, I had something to hold on to, albeit destructive and unhealthy. It was something. Now I have nothing, except the broken pieces of what was once a loving, wholesome family. My family, my beautiful, strong and supportive family, are breaking apart.

Where was I, while this happened?
I was in my head, listening to the disordered thoughts that told me I was doing the right thing.
I was in hospital, trying to get my life together so I could better cope at home, where I could repair my relationship with my family.
How could I have let this all slip past me… Right before my eyes?

To stop being cryptic; in more or less words my parents, have fallen apart without my knowing. Without their knowing, as far as I'm aware.
The reality only really just hit me a few days ago and I've been struggling to digest it. It all seems so unreal. I've been expecting to wake up, as if it is all just a bad dream, but no matter how many times I pinch myself, I only hurt. I don't wake up in a cold sweat, and sigh in relief knowing that it was all in my head. I can't turn over and go back to sleep. I'm living it, this nightmare. This nightmare is my life, my reality.

I can't really believe I'm sending this out to the internet… It's not as if doing so is going to fix anything. I'm clutching at straws, I guess.

I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the only thing I really had: my family.

I cannot revert to old bad habits. I have to stay strong, not only for myself but for my family.
This isn't an excuse, this isn't a reason to slip back.
This is a reason to keep moving forward.

Oh, God.
Life is full of twists and turns and unexpecteds.

Poetry Speaks.

When words escape me, nothing is more refreshing than using the words of others to depict my emotions.
A thank you to the beautiful woman who sent me through this poem. You're in my thoughts.

Summer: Mountain Top

When I swam through oil-filled waters spat upon this bitter earth
When I saw a mother's crying face at that dying birth
When I walked through icy winds, when I slept on beds of snow
When I felt the leadened hail stone, swam against the ice flow

When thoughts were crucifixes, when nightmares grew from the ground
When screams were entwined in my every word, every sound
When wounds opened and bled salted tears
When every day passed away like it was a year

When lost in leech-filled forests, when I stood alone in storms
When battered and tired from the day I was born
When the darkness enveloped me as the sun had gone away,
I carried on for the reason that I would reach here one day.

I would see spirits playing twister and by the sky streams
I would see layers of my own tears drift past like flocks of dreams
I would see glistening hope in every single teardrop of pain
And I would hear the sound of music in all this falling rain.
-Lemn Sissay

* * *

There is no good without bad, and no bad without good. To see the good, sometimes we must first be exposed to the bad. That way, we really know what there is to appreciate in life.
But no matter how bad things may seem, there is always a glimmer of hope.
This has taken me a long time to realize – it's frustrating to have to have gone through a period of bitterness first to see what there is in my life to appreciate. It's frustrating to have to have gone through a period of bitterness to learn to appreciate my actual life.

But I've been there, I've seen some bad things, and I've done some bad things. And I have come to the conclusion that, although it wasn't a waste of time, it's not worth wasting another minute for.

The battles worth fighting for are the hardest of all.
It gets harder before it gets easier, but I'll run the hard yards if it means coming out into a brighter, sweeter future and life.

 

It's waiting for us. We just have to get there.

Home Coming.

I'm going home tomorrow morning.

That sentence has so many emotions attached to it, of varying degrees. I'm full of excitement, anticipation, hope and happiness. But I'm also full of fear, anxiety, nervousness and complete horror. There's no way I could be in hospital for much longer before going insane, but the prospect of gaining more weight is… Well, weighing my emotions down. I know that it's necessary, but what's waiting for me at home is a family that is just as scared as me about having to deal with the Eating Disorder. It's still strong. Nowhere near as strong as it used to be, granted. But it's still strong, and it will still try to make my life a living Hell. It will try to work against me, it will try to work against my family, my dietician, my therapist. It will try to work against everything I've worked for, and it will try to work against everyone that's working with me.

I'm scared.

I've wanted to go home ever since I got in here, but I never really thought about what it's going to be like at home. I knew that I just wanted to be away from the hospital environment. Were my intentions pure, positive and healthy? Or were there underlying reasons that my eating disordered thoughts tried to sneak in? I can't know that, and maybe I never will, but I now know what is waiting for me at home.
What's waiting for me at home is a family that will do everything they can to get me to a better place in my life.
What's waiting for me at home is a treatment team that will, also, help me to reach a better platform.
What's waiting for me at home is the chance to better my life, myself, for me and for my future.

That's nothing to be afraid of. But I am afraid of hurting my parents. Or rather, I'm afraid that my eating disorder will hurt my parents. I'm afraid of giving up control of food, I'm afraid of food in general. That alone is proof I'm not at a healthy enough place to look after myself.
I just have to accept that.

I have to accept that things will be hard.
I have to accept the help I'm being given.
I have to accept that things will get easier.
I have to accept that it's hard because it.is.worth.it.

I'm going home. And I'm going to make it.

love, love, love.

Growing Up.

With the coming of my new puppy, I have accumulated my own pre-pubescent new puppy fat on my tummy. My once [unhealthily] flat stomach has now got a layer of protection, and then some. Fat protects the organs. You know, those things in your body that KEEP YOU ALIVE? My organs were exposed to damage, and the weight gain has sent the new fat to the parts of my body that need it most.
(I'm sure you're all well aware of this fact; I am merely repeating it to myself so it is easier for me to believe. Repeating positive mantras allows me to believe these things with ease.)

I feel out of proportion, out of shape, untoned, and all the rest, don't get me wrong. But as a wise male friend once said to me: "Guys dig girls with some meat
on their bones!"
My body is soaking up all the nourishment it's getting and doing with it what it needs to in order for me to function properly and healthily. At the moment, there is no point in me worrying about how I look, where the weight is accumulating, etc., etc. At the moment, none of that matters, because I'm not at a healthy place.

It's taken a 3 week hospitalisation for me to realise this. It's taken 3 weeks of absolute HELL to realise that I have a life beyond an eating disorder.
I've gained a little over 4 kilos in 3 weeks, and have not had any physical activity. My body is aching, I am incredibly tired, I'm suffering from caffeine withdrawals, but I'm getting healthier.

My Dad said something to me yesterday that made a lot of sense to me."You're growing back into yourself again."

I'm becoming Eleanor again.

Yes, I may have some puppy fat, but I can now at least share that with my pudgy little pup (that I will be able to see in a week!).
I am being discharged from hospital next Thursday.

And, I am going to continue moving onwards and upwards, growing back into myself.

 

love, love, love.

P.S. The photo of that puppy isn't of my pup, I stole it from the internet. BUT, he will look much like that!
Thank you all so much for the beautiful words. They mean the world to me. You all make me so proud; proud of you and proud of myself.
Thank you.
x

Furry Friend.

I am getting a puppy.

My very own little pride and joy.
This little puppy
will be my companion.
This little puppy will keep me smiling.
This little puppy will be my motivation.
This little puppy will keep me strong.

His name will be Albi,
a little golden labrador.
And he will be mine.

I Miss My Coffee.

…Enough said.

***
Hospital has been taxing, in every aspect.
My muscles are screaming out in agony; they want to be stretched and used like they're meant to.
My mind is being torn in two directions constantly; plagued by a voice that isn't my own, and plagued with a voice that is my own.
My emotions are all over the place; crying has become second nature.

I am in here for at least another two weeks, from what the doctors have said.
I am sick of being in here for many reasons.
No coffee!?

It is too hard to explain everything that's been going on. I gained a lot of weight in 3 days, which spun me out of control for a while. Not outwardly, but it was an internal battle in my mind. I have my Dad here this whole week supporting me and spending time with me, which has made the whole ordeal a little easier to bear with. Being so far away from home has had an immense effect on me, and having Dad here is like a home away from home; he offers comfort, and he offers reason. He talks me out of me emotional hell-holes and brings me back into my logical, rational mind, where I belong.

I don't want to have to be in here anymore.
I can do this at home, and I will to this at home.
There's no 'trying' or 'attempting'. There's no 'wanting' and 'wishing'.
There is only doing.

I will do this.
Once and for all.


love, love, love.