Doubts... That's the understatement of the year.
I don't think I'm going to make it tonight. At today's rehearsal, I completely flipped. I couldn't sing in tune at all, I couldn't hear myself at all, I couldn't keep up at all... I got off stage as soon as it was over and broke down - I was actually sobbing. I felt like crap, I sounded like crap, and I know I'll sound even worse tonight.
I know I'm not helping myself by putting this in words, because that only reinforces the negative thoughts, but I've convinced myself into believing I'm not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing you do is ever good enough, you never will be good enough. Says ED. That's all I heard today.
I was so angry. So angry at myself, and at ED, and at everything. At lunch, I didn't eat what I was supposed to. I had one of those Up-and-Go drinks in my bag that I wasn't going to have, along with the sandwich... But I forced myself into having that Up-and-Go. I forced myself. That was about 3 hours ago, and I still feel ill. ED kicked up a huge fuss - why did you do that! You didn't need it! You're going to get FAT FAT FAT. You are disgusting! A pig! I can already SEE your stomach/thighs/hips getting bigger!
That scared me so much. I thought I'd done the right thing by at least having something for lunch? I know I should've had more, I know that, but I had something I had convinced myself I wasn't going to have. I do feel sick, and ED is still kicking me over it, and it's really just too much.
I don't think I'm going to make it tonight. At today's rehearsal, I completely flipped. I couldn't sing in tune at all, I couldn't hear myself at all, I couldn't keep up at all... I got off stage as soon as it was over and broke down - I was actually sobbing. I felt like crap, I sounded like crap, and I know I'll sound even worse tonight.
I know I'm not helping myself by putting this in words, because that only reinforces the negative thoughts, but I've convinced myself into believing I'm not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing you do is ever good enough, you never will be good enough. Says ED. That's all I heard today.
I was so angry. So angry at myself, and at ED, and at everything. At lunch, I didn't eat what I was supposed to. I had one of those Up-and-Go drinks in my bag that I wasn't going to have, along with the sandwich... But I forced myself into having that Up-and-Go. I forced myself. That was about 3 hours ago, and I still feel ill. ED kicked up a huge fuss - why did you do that! You didn't need it! You're going to get FAT FAT FAT. You are disgusting! A pig! I can already SEE your stomach/thighs/hips getting bigger!
That scared me so much. I thought I'd done the right thing by at least having something for lunch? I know I should've had more, I know that, but I had something I had convinced myself I wasn't going to have. I do feel sick, and ED is still kicking me over it, and it's really just too much.
I tried meditating. I tried, and it didn't work. I'm still trying to get my breath under control. I don't want to break down into tears again. I can't. I have to do this for myself, for my family, for my friends, for the 100+ people in the audience tonight...
But I need to get better, too. And not for anyone else but myself. I can't keep giving into this.
But I need to get better, too. And not for anyone else but myself. I can't keep giving into this.
I'm just... Freaking out so bad, because this is exactly what happened last year, that was why all of this started happening... My restriction of food (although I was unconscious of it at the time), my rapid weight loss... I can't have a repeat again. I can't have a relapse... I feel like that's all I've been doing. Avoiding getting better - doing all that I can to ensure I don't get better. But why? What am I getting out of this? I'm constantly telling myself how much of a failure I am. For the love of GOD! IM NOT A FAILURE. I just... Don't know who I am. You're no one, says ED. Fuck you, ED.
I can't stand being negative. I'm going to cop all the sickness after my meals, I'm going to eat all of my meals, regardless of what ED says. I'm not giving in to this shit any more. I need to be healthy...
But at times like this, I feel like crawling up into a ball and letting ED tell me it's all okay, he'll look after me, he'll make sure I'm not a failure.
I can't stand being negative. I'm going to cop all the sickness after my meals, I'm going to eat all of my meals, regardless of what ED says. I'm not giving in to this shit any more. I need to be healthy...
But at times like this, I feel like crawling up into a ball and letting ED tell me it's all okay, he'll look after me, he'll make sure I'm not a failure.
But just look where that got me.
I am so sorry for the negative post. I just don't know what I'm doing right now - trying to calm down isn't really doing it for me at the moment.
I love you all.
3 comments:
I know this is easier said than done, but keep positive. It's all too easy to listen to ED, he promises such 'wonderful' things, but we really can't anymore. ED tells nothing but lies, you are not a failure, and I have so much faith that you will be wonderful tonight. Believe me, I know what you're going through, because ED has told me some pretty similar things before auditions/rehearsals etc.
All you can really do is keep your head held high, and focus on the fact that you are doing this for yourself.
<3 Love
Amy
Ed whispers the opposite of the truth, you need food and you deserve food. with every step you take away from ed you are stronger not weaker. you are amazing i don't ever forget it
aww lovie, im sorry your feeling like this. but remember: ED lies. you are NOT a failure, and you know this... so dont let him convince you otherwise.
well done for makin yourself have your drink at lunch. i know how hard it can be to force yourself to do what you know is right, even when it seems like the hardest thing in the world.
keep fighting <3
xo hannah
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