Just got back from the Nutritionists. I got blind weighed, and now I'm freaking out completely. Nothing anyone does is right. I just caught my dad putting margarine spread on my sandwich, when he knows I don't eat it. I might have to go up in my meal plan, and I physically can't eat more. I'm just not really coping right now, I'm on the edge of having a breakdown.
I want to know what I weigh, I need to know and now I'm stressing out so much about it. My Dad is slipping in more food that I need, I know he is... He's sneaking around me and it's scaring me. I can't do this at the moment. I don't feel strong enough. I don't want this, any of this. I want my control and I want to do things my way... I know I'm not seeing reasonably but right now nothing anyone is doing is helping me, and all I want to do is cry and give in.
I want to know what I weigh, I need to know and now I'm stressing out so much about it. My Dad is slipping in more food that I need, I know he is... He's sneaking around me and it's scaring me. I can't do this at the moment. I don't feel strong enough. I don't want this, any of this. I want my control and I want to do things my way... I know I'm not seeing reasonably but right now nothing anyone is doing is helping me, and all I want to do is cry and give in.
I'm so sorry.
I hate ED. But I've gotten myself too attached to just give it up.
I hate ED. But I've gotten myself too attached to just give it up.
7 comments:
Please don't be sorry; it isn't your fault ED is freaking you out. I can understand why your dad's actions are a bit unnerving, and I really hope things smooth out. This will pass.
-- Delilah
Have a sit down, one and one talk to your dad. Tell him that his approach is not helping you. Just let him know that you want him to be honest with the food preparation. Tell him that it is hard for you to eat when you know he is adding 'extras' in. Tell him that you understand why he would want to put in 'extras' in your meal, but also let him know that you're not ready for that yet.
Don't give up Eleanor. Don't. You deserve to not give up. You need to soldier on. I know recovery is so so so so so hard, there is gonna be up days + down days BUT you'll eventually get there. You will, life without Ed is worth fighting for. You deserve the very best in life, laughing until your stomach hurts, enjoy food without guilt, smile at yourself when you look in the mirror & etc. Love yourself, your soul honey, nourish it + treasure it!
You are worth it!
p.s.: I love those purple trees!!! I always look at them for a few minutes when I walked past them :D
Glad the bees are not there yet!
Honey, if this were any other girl saying this - what would you say to them? If I said I'd gotten too attached to ED to give it up, what would you say to me?
He's doing it because obviously, he knows you need it. You're going to have to accept and chose between blind weights or knowing.
Please don't give up, it would break my heart.
xxx katie xxx
Lovie,
please stay strong, you are such a wonderful, beautiful, special girl, and you need to fight this, i have felt the way you are feeling soo many times, not knowing my weight always puts me into a panic, the nurse in IP MADE me do it, because she thought it would be better for my mental state and i would eat the meals if i didnt know the # and it helped actually, and i went through my day and no stupid number was in my head to taunt me...but i did see a graph at the end of the week...okay sweetie well, your dad is prob giving/sneaking more food, because you NEED it and you may have lost or mantained your weight? idk...but jsut trust your dad, i know that is so hard, i did the maudsley program when my parents re-fed me when i was 13-16 and it was so hard to give up control, but they know what is best, and no one is out to make you fat, that would never happen, you are just aiming towards a more healthy and a vibrant happier YOU!
xx
love you.
i am always here sweetie
Eliza
sry for the novel ;)
You are strong enough, and don't ever forget it. I used to be so paranoid that my mom would sneak oils and such into my food until one day, I cracked and we had a discussion.
I realized how much she cared about me. Maybe try explaining to your dad that it makes your very anxious and you would really like to know exactly what is in your food.
I'm so glad you were able to go out with your friends the other day as well :) Congrats love!
You truly are a beautiful girl.
xo
Tat
You are way stronger than ED is and will ever be. See things in reality - the food your dad is sneaking in IS food you need. He may not be doing it the right way, but he has good intentions. You will find your way out of this - the key is to maintain positivity and perserverance! Please keep on fighting, going through the struggle and hardships is so worth it. ED is inside of your head, but he doesn't have to control you!
hang in there girly :)
You know what? I remember once when Mum fixed me a PB & J sandwich and I freaked out so badly that they had to call the hospital up. Looking back, I realise it was silly of me because I don't think Mum would actually do something like that knowing that if I found out, I would flip.
Perhaps you can talk to your Dad and ask for him to not sneak in more food than he's supposed to - if he is. There has to be trust in recovery and you have to be able to trust him to do what needs to be done.
Hun, think about it this way: you haven't got attached to ED. ED is the one sticking onto you and refusing to leave. You can do this. Give yourself a chance - give Eleanor a chance!
*hugs*
xx
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