My ears are literally bleeding from band practice this morning. Drums, guitar, bass, my awful voice screeching at me from behind where the speaker is. I was surrounded by noise, noise, noise. Right up in my face. It goes to show how long it's been since I've played with a band. I miss it, sure. But it was a huge shock, being in that environment again. I love it, performing, singing, watching musicians in their zone, doing their thing... But I was so out of it, this morning.
I'm still in a bit of a daze - I've had my Sustagen-ed coffee, and my morning snack, so I'm not so lightheaded, but I still don't feel normal. I feel like... I've been missing out. Really, I feel like I have denied myself of life.
The lovely Nat said something that really hit home in a comment, about "meal times not being negotiable". It really rings true. I've been cheating myself, by throwing food away, sneaking it away... Denying myself the nutrients I need to be healthy. So I can HAVE a life again. By negotiating my meal times - by cheating - I'm not cheating anyone else but myself. I'm not damaging and hurting anyone else but myself. By cheating, I'm denying myself of life. I want to live! I wont let ED have this hold over me. I just wish it was that easy. But like that old, pain-in-the-ass-but-true saying goes "Easier said than done". Sigh.
I'm going to do something productive today. I really don't want my Dad to help me with my homework, but I cant keep avoiding these English assignments (there's not one, but three. Yep. Three). Avoiding them isn't going to make them disappear.
And what would you know, I just found a way to apply that to ED! Avoiding ED isn't going to make it disappear. Avoiding food isn't going to make ED disappear, it's going to make me disappear. And I don't want to. I want to live a long and happy and fulfilling life. ED can go and screw off - but for that to happen, I need to DEAL with the problem, not push it to the back of my mind (or in my English assignments cases, pushing it to the back of my very full desk). I can't run away from it, by forgetting about it. It's always there, and it always will be there until I get rid of it. And yes, we ALL know what has to be done to get rid of it. ED, I mean... And homework too, I suppose. It has to be dealt with.
So! With some positivity at the moment, from you lovely, supportive, inspiring girls, I'm going to go and deal with my issues. THAT MEANS YOU, ED!
...And you too, homework.
And what would you know, I just found a way to apply that to ED! Avoiding ED isn't going to make it disappear. Avoiding food isn't going to make ED disappear, it's going to make me disappear. And I don't want to. I want to live a long and happy and fulfilling life. ED can go and screw off - but for that to happen, I need to DEAL with the problem, not push it to the back of my mind (or in my English assignments cases, pushing it to the back of my very full desk). I can't run away from it, by forgetting about it. It's always there, and it always will be there until I get rid of it. And yes, we ALL know what has to be done to get rid of it. ED, I mean... And homework too, I suppose. It has to be dealt with.
So! With some positivity at the moment, from you lovely, supportive, inspiring girls, I'm going to go and deal with my issues. THAT MEANS YOU, ED!
...And you too, homework.
5 comments:
keep your head held high. YOU are capable of a positive healthy life girl. Nat is right. you are stripping yourself of nutrients, family, life.. by pushing yourself away from people, hiding food, etc.. your not hurting anyone but YOU :(
i know its a tough thing to say.. and is all definatly easier said that done.. i sturggle every day too :(
we can do this. love yourself.
great blog :)
your right with meals time having to happen, we can't let ourselves make any excuses because once he starts taking hold its harder to stop ed again. keep your head held high and remember your wonderful
Keep positive, you're absolutely right about avoiding ED, things will only get worse if you do.
I'm here to support you 100%, remember that.
:)
Love you.
<3
skipping meals won't keep ED quiet, I know, every now and again I do hide/skip meals and it only makes it louder,
hiding isn't going to help, you gotta face those issues...and the homework too!
xx
Im really glad to hear that you have put a positive spin on the recognition of your struggles.
No one said this was gonna be easy, and your doing a wonderful job at being truly honest with yourself. Lord knows recovery is easier said than done. I know you can do it :) WE can do it!
xo
Tat
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